Hey, so I had therapy today, and I must say, the session got really intense. I didn’t like it, but I guess there was something that needed to be said. I really don’t trust people and I’m one of the most independent people I know. My therapist said I was filled with pride and that it was admirable.
However, she tried to get to the root of why I didn’t trust people, and I didn’t want to tell her. I just didn’t see the need to. She also said that I seemed to need to have a control of some situations, and it bothered me.
I mean, me? Controlling? I’m not controlling. I’m anxious, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m all of that controlling. I just don’t like being put in situations, so I avoid them at the most. I don’t open up to people because “I am afraid of being let down.” No, I’m afraid of them being the kind of person that gossips about me. So, I avoid talking to people.
She also said that I am experiencing an increased amount of depression right now. She made me promise that I would do something loving to myself tonight, and I don’t know what to do. After today’s therapy session, I feel like more of a monster than anything. I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t even know if I should be loved, and that’s why I don’t know if I should have a boyfriend right now. Or ever, to be honest.
But yeah, I feel beyond crappy right now. I feel like today’s session really did set me off in ways that it shouldn’t have.
Today is going to be a depressing post, so please bear with me.
I’ve hurt myself for the 3rd time within a week. I feel like crap and the only thing that helps me is showering and cutting. I completely ignored my boyfriend’s texts tonight, and I still feel awful for breaking something out of rage.
My mom is noticing something is wrong with me because I can’t bring myself to smile tonight. I feel awful.
I just want to cry and hurt myself again. I thought the meds were supposed to cure me…
So, I was sitting through abnormal psychology, and I was learning about different approaches to therapy. Needless to say, I understand my therapist better. She works in the realm of the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It’s basically talk about things, think about things and learn how to correct some harmful behaviors. It’s helped me a lot over the year, and I think it’s rather effective.
However, there’s a little bit of humanistic tendencies. It means she echos what I say at times, and then I can think about it, verify or deny the thought, or expand the thought. It’s also when she empathizes with me, and I like that quality. Just to know that what I’m going through is something others understand/go through is helpful.
Anyways, in other news, I feel like there is a possibility that I’m misdiagnosed. It’s because the nurse that I had was terrible at his job. He could’ve said I have bipolar disorder when I really have something else. I want to get another disorder screening done so that I can see if anything has changed from my original diagnosis (depression). If I do have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, or borderline personality disorder, I suppose that it’s alright with me. It’ll be a little harder to take it if I have one of the last 2.
The scariest thing is that this person has lied in the documentation of my records, so that means that he has technically committed a crime. This is why I want to go through another test. I never trusted this guy, and I don’t now.
But yeah, that’s what’s happened today.
Ok, I thought this was something that was untrue and I laughed it off, but apparently it’s true. My anxiety is showing through recent events.
First, my mother got hurt, and I couldn’t help but make sure she was alright. I told her to “be careful” about 20 times, and I’m not really exaggerating. Then, my sibling had to get their wisdom teeth extracted, and I’m doing the same thing again. I have to make sure he’s alright.
Some people would say that I’m caring, but I’m afraid they aren’t alright and that they might get sicker. Maybe this is because I don’t want them to die. I know, it’s sounding irrational, but I do not handle death well, and seeing anyone uncomfortable is freaking me out. It’s not because of blood or them being in pain, it’s something else that I can’t seem to put my finger on.
I need to work on this with my therapist, and thank God I see her this Thursday. But, part of me is hesitant to bring this up. Once again, I don’t know why… I’m just realizing that I’m becoming a nervous wreck.
I had a panic attack at church today. (Yes, I have to go to church, but I find that some of the sermons help me as well.) You want to know why?
My boyfriend’s brother (mind you, the both of them live about 2 hours away) had appeared in the church I attend. I assumed that he brought my boyfriend along. Then, I panicked because of my relapses (I relapsed again, but it wasn’t all that bad), then I realized I had no control over the situation… So I entered a state of panic and like I smothered myself in the crowd of people that was there.
So, what really kind of set me off was being guilty that I cut and that my boyfriend could have possibly been there. I’m still really anxious, and I’m still freaking out about it, but considering I’ve taken my anxiety meds today and doubled them because I needed it, I’m not supposed to freak out.
It’s scaring me now, and I don’t know what to do. I also figured that I was hallucinating again, and it was just all me. I’m not sure if I’m going insane, but I’m really scared. I don’t know.
So, here’s a warning: if you are not open-minded to religion or spirituality, I highly suggest you skip over this post. It may be touchy for some people as well. I am not trying to push my religion on anyone. I’m just blogging about it because I can.
There. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I suppose I can talk about my religion and why it was so hard to find it.
I was a Christian, and what really bothered me was that I felt guilty all of the time. I felt guilty for experimenting with religions like Buddhism, and I always cried a whole lot. It’s because of that guilt that I called myself a Christian. I felt anxious because I had to go to church and that made me feel even more worthless. Needless to say, this whole religion did nothing but strike fear in me. It didn’t help my depression and it didn’t help my anxiety.
Now, I experimented with Wicca, which is a branch of Paganism. I loved that religion. I suppose that it helped my mental state of psychosis really well. I meditated, which helped my anxiety and depression. I felt a certain connection with it. It’s hard to explain… But I really did like it.
Actually, I like it so much that I’m switching to it. I think it’s a wise decision, in my opinion. Religion is supposed to better you, not make you feel worthless inside.
Alright, so 2 days ago, I was sad. Yesterday, I was nervous and tensed up in public. This morning, I was anxious, and now, I feel fine. This is something that is really new and I’ve noticed that they’re a little more severe than what I’m used to. I still feel empty, but it wasn’t as bad as a couple of days ago.
This is totally not bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is about mania and depression… It’s not about anxiety or emptiness. It’s not about being unable to make up your mind and being extremely impulsive, even when your meds are working efficiently. It’s scaring me.
So, if this isn’t bipolar disorder, then what is it?