So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
So, I can’t stand fighting. So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting. And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.
I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days. Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy. And they don’t talk to me after that…
I’m sick of people. I’m depressed and I just want to cry. I hate life right now.
How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?
I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me… She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart. She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that. Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.
In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A. I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up. We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised. Still, I really wish that I could talk to A. Haha….
He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen. Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours. Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.
Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting. I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing. So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.
First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden. It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender. Secondly, I have been trying out new religions… I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.
So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well. I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now. The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard. I had to take a mental health leave from college, but… I don’t regret it. I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.
I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single. My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me. I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more. I’m learning to love myself. The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…
Anyways, let’s have a discussion. It can be about anything. Leave some suggestions for this blog down below. I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it. Or, I could even do a challenge. Let me know!
…Went better than I thought it would. I saw my psychiatrist, and he was thrilled that I lost 6 pounds, have a job, and have no need to take insulin anymore. He called them “major improvements.”
I told him about my symptoms of Saturday and how they involved anger, anxiety, and extreme suicidal thoughts. He wants to switch up my decreased version of risperidone: one .5 tablet twice a day. I can see it in his expression that he was curious about another diagnosis that I recently learned about in class. I’m not going to say it because it’s possible that I don’t have it. Still, I could tell that he is curious about it.
He wanted to relieve my symptoms, and he contemplated putting me on Lithium, which I’ve only heard a handful of times from a blogger’s URL and an Evanescence song. He also considered putting me on an antidepressant, but the Abilify takes care of my depression as is. It’d also make me gain lots of weight, and considering I just lost 6 pounds and I’m still overweight, that would be bad.
So, he stuck with risperidone instead, and he didn’t mind doing that.
At this point, I don’t care if he diagnoses me with anything else. I don’t care, and it’s because I’m just myself. If seeing things and having radical mood swings is me, then I’m not going to change myself or wish that I was someone else because of it. I was made this way, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.
I was thinking to myself about schizophrenia and how people see and hear things, the paranoia behind the disorder, and other things like that. Then I shifted my thoughts on how to describe this mental disorder to someone who doesn’t Know about how this feels. I came up with the game Five Nights at Freddy’s.
For the uninformed, Five Nights at Freddy’s (henceforth called FNAF) is a Game that is popular because it invokes fear. You have to survive 5 whole nights with possessed animatronics such as Chicka the chicken, Freddy Fazbear, and Bonnie the bunny. You must close a door whenever they appear, and that uses energy. You are limited to a certain amount of energy per night. There’s FNAF 2 and 3, but for now, let’s focus on the first game.
This game will make you jump and scream. You’ll panic and think that these animatronics will hurt you. You hear things. You think they’re in a room, and you feel so confident in that answer even when they’re in another room. You get paranoid thoughts. You have false (though not extreme) beliefs.
When you move to the 3rd installment of the game, you hallucinate, and the hallucinations cause the player of the game to jump. They freak out and it’s because the hallucinations try to hurt you and you can’t seem to escape them.
This is how I view schizophrenia: a big game of FNAF. (This is my opinion of course. Just thought I’d share.)
So I was reading Schizo Serenity’s post and she was discussing how her medicine may take away one of her hallucinations and she would miss him if he went away. It made me think of something that I’m going through.
I’ve been on 15 mgs of Abilify for about 3 weeks right now, and it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Thayer. Actually, the only things I hear are sound effect noises, and I hate to say it, but it’s lonely without Thayer.
I miss him teasing me about me and my boyfriend. I miss him saying inappropriate things and making me laugh. He was like the big brother I’ve never had, and now I can’t hear him. So, I’m not going to lie, it stinks. He really did help me out when I was hallucinating, and to lose him is kind of like losing a great friend. Scratch that:
He was a great friend.
He knew me better than I knew myself. So yeah, the point is, if I want to become better, I will have to accept the fact that he’s gone and I can’t hear him anymore. I can only draw him if I want to see him. He’s not real anymore. He’s just a character.
And that is what hurts the most.
I have been going through a lot of anxiety lately. Anxiety about my weight, midterm exams, eating, fighting between family members, the death… And quite frankly, I’ve been having panic attacks. Thank goodness I was able to disguise them (I am really good at hiding negative emotions; “bottling them up,” as you may like to call them). So, these panic attacks happen for about 15 minutes or longer, and I told my therapist about it. She thinks that if I find hobbies to help me manage this anxiety, then we may have a solution: healthy coping 101. I don’t doubt that, but I can’t help but wonder if it runs deeper than that.
Anyways, I was lost and I didn’t know what to do for a project to do in my photography class, and I decided to do something that showcases my bipolar disorder. I kid you not, I decided to tell others that I’m bipolar. I figured that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I wanted to practice telling others that I have this mental disorder (aka, my boyfriend). The reaction I got was that the whole room went dead silent. That was kind of discouraging at first, but people were supportive. My professor even suggested that I keep a picture journal of my experiences of being bipolar (well, schizoaffective). I think I might do that and start some sort of photo journal and let that come to life for me. It’d be kind of fun, actually.
Speaking of journal, I bought a new one today. It has no lines in it, so I plan on writing stuff in there and keeping a record of the days I find important, information that I think is neat like astrology or herbal remedies, and pictures that mean the world to me. It’s not exactly a journal, but it’s not exactly a book of shadows either. I guess it’s my spin on keeping a journal.
But yeah, that’s all I can say today. I think it’s because I’m getting much more manageable with these symptoms, and I like where I’m at right now. Except for my anti-anxiety med. That one makes me tired.