So, I found something out. Hallucinations don’t go away at the snap of a finger. I haven’t been taking my anxiety med like I’m supposed to and it’s making me hallucinate a tiny bit more than usual. I heard some voices becoming jumbled, and I couldn’t really make out what they were saying. It was just so fast and I couldn’t make sense of it.
Then, when I tried going to sleep last night, it was like there was a light shining in my face and it bothered me for about 10 minutes. I’m serious, this is completely freaking me out. The thing about it is that there’s a commenting voice inside of my head, and it’s been talking about people I’ve come into contact with. I’ve heard it say better things this time, but it’s still there.
So what does that mean for me…? It means that the Risperidal may not be working as effectively. It may mean that my symptoms are getting worse. It might mean that I’m going to be officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder once I tell the psychiatrist this. It could mean that I’m entering another state of psychosis. But the thing is that I feel pretty much empty, and one minute I hate people, and the next minute, I love them.
I mean, it’s possible to have more than 1 thing wrong with me, and I keep coming back to hypothesizing on 2 disorders: schizoaffective and Borderline Personality. And I hate saying that because in the past, I was right about being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. I don’t want to be right again. I really, really don’t. I want to be diagnosed with bipolar and that’s it. Still, there’s a part of me that says otherwise.
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
So, I was sitting through abnormal psychology, and I was learning about different approaches to therapy. Needless to say, I understand my therapist better. She works in the realm of the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It’s basically talk about things, think about things and learn how to correct some harmful behaviors. It’s helped me a lot over the year, and I think it’s rather effective.
However, there’s a little bit of humanistic tendencies. It means she echos what I say at times, and then I can think about it, verify or deny the thought, or expand the thought. It’s also when she empathizes with me, and I like that quality. Just to know that what I’m going through is something others understand/go through is helpful.
Anyways, in other news, I feel like there is a possibility that I’m misdiagnosed. It’s because the nurse that I had was terrible at his job. He could’ve said I have bipolar disorder when I really have something else. I want to get another disorder screening done so that I can see if anything has changed from my original diagnosis (depression). If I do have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, or borderline personality disorder, I suppose that it’s alright with me. It’ll be a little harder to take it if I have one of the last 2.
The scariest thing is that this person has lied in the documentation of my records, so that means that he has technically committed a crime. This is why I want to go through another test. I never trusted this guy, and I don’t now.
But yeah, that’s what’s happened today.
Hi, guys. I’ve been researching a little bit, and I’ve just found something out about anxiety.
I am thinking that I was not in psychosis all along. Apparently, anxiety can make a person hallucinate and then they can have other psychotic symptoms. So, the anti-anxiety med that I have eases my anxiety. That’s what it’s supposed to do, right? What if my anxiety is the reason I hallucinate?
I have also noticed that I have some tendencies that those with borderline personality disorder have. I’ve taken this 40-question test that compares my answers to the DSM-4 criteria. I have 7/9 of the symptoms, and there was some other things measured; they said that it supported that I have it…
But my point is that I’m going to bring this up to my doctor. (It feels so weird not having a nurse for meds anymore.) When I do, I hope that he listens to me. I just need someone to listen to me.