Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

I Now Hate My Job + More Ramblings

I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama.  I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.”  Whatever.  I just hate this guy.  Let’s call him A.  A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor.  He also talks with an 18-year-old.  And they’re friends.  Which is odd.  But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this….  “job,” if you could call it that.

My blood sugar is high again.  I hate having diabetes.  I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything.  I want to starve and puke and stuff like that.  I’m still in a dark place right now.  I don’t wanna eat.  I just want to lose weight.

I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder.  That way, they know how to handle me.

Seriously….

Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.

The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

I Restrict By Accident.

Yes, I know what you’re saying.  You might think that it’s impossible.  It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt.  That was eaten at 9:30 this morning.  I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied.  So, I feel like I restrict.

The sad part is that I like to do that.  I like to forget and I love to have salads.  All the time.  Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee.  Sometimes, with tea.  But that’s something I love to do…

Is that bad?

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!

 

Surprise!

So, I found something out.   Hallucinations don’t go away at the snap of a finger.  I haven’t been taking my anxiety med like I’m supposed to and it’s making me hallucinate a tiny bit more than usual.  I heard some voices becoming jumbled, and I couldn’t really make out what they were saying.  It was just so fast and I couldn’t make sense of it.

Then, when I tried going to sleep last night, it was like there was a light shining in my face and it bothered me for about 10 minutes.  I’m serious, this is completely freaking me out.  The thing about it is that there’s a commenting voice inside of my head, and it’s been talking about people I’ve come into contact with.  I’ve heard it say better things this time, but it’s still there.

So what does that mean for me…?  It means that the Risperidal may not be working as effectively.  It may mean that my symptoms are getting worse.  It might mean that I’m going to be officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder once I tell the psychiatrist this.  It could mean that I’m entering another state of psychosis.  But the thing is that I feel pretty much empty, and one minute I hate people, and the next minute, I love them.

I mean, it’s possible to have more than 1 thing wrong with me, and I keep coming back to hypothesizing on 2 disorders: schizoaffective and Borderline Personality.  And I hate saying that because in the past, I was right about being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  I don’t want to be right again.  I really, really don’t.  I want to be diagnosed with bipolar and that’s it.  Still, there’s a part of me that says otherwise.

I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

Day 2 of Abilify

So, I’ve given up on the 31 days of Bipolar because it was getting boring. But anyways, let’s talk about how I feel as of right now.

I’m only on 5 mgs of Abilify, and I feel amazing.  My depression went away, and I’m getting my energy back right now.  Like, I’m not kidding, I feel like I can do yoga and enjoy it.  I feel like drawing and writing would be enjoyable right about now.  So, right now, my motivation is back.  That was the thing that was concerning me the most.  I also realized that this is making my sexual orientation change.

You see, I thought I was an asexual, but in all honesty, it was because I just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing due to my depression.  Now, since my depression is decreasing, my actual SO is coming apparent to me. I didn’t know that.  But now… I am comfortable with myself.

I’m going to see if there’s anything else that pops up with this medication.

I’m giving up with myself. {Trigger Warning}

Today is going to be a depressing post, so please bear with me.

I’ve hurt myself for the 3rd time within a week. I feel like crap and the only thing that helps me is showering and cutting. I completely ignored my boyfriend’s texts tonight, and I still feel awful for breaking something out of rage.

My mom is noticing something is wrong with me because I can’t bring myself to smile tonight. I feel awful.

I just want to cry and hurt myself again. I thought the meds were supposed to cure me…