So, I can’t keep my hands still. Why is that? I have been writing like crazy. I am not manic. I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…
But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…
I’m happy. I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall. I’m so….
So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
So, I can’t stand fighting. So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting. And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.
I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days. Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy. And they don’t talk to me after that…
I’m sick of people. I’m depressed and I just want to cry. I hate life right now.
Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting. I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing. So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.
First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden. It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender. Secondly, I have been trying out new religions… I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.
So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well. I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now. The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard. I had to take a mental health leave from college, but… I don’t regret it. I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.
I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single. My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me. I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more. I’m learning to love myself. The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…
Anyways, let’s have a discussion. It can be about anything. Leave some suggestions for this blog down below. I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it. Or, I could even do a challenge. Let me know!
What do you get when you have a person like me, a person like my boyfriend, and both of us have some degree of bipolar disorder? You get me, or the person like me, falling in love.
Now, I don’t know if it’s the Abilify talking, but in case you don’t follow my other blog, I am really, really, insanely in love. Everything is reminding me of him. I’ve been counting down the days, weeks, and hours until I see him again. I mean, he’s a really awesome person. He said he wouldn’t leave me, no matter how mentally messed up I become. My disorder matters to him, but it doesn’t define how he treats me. Let me tell you, it’s really nice to have someone say that. Not many people would stay and help me like this.
He is way less severe than I am when it comes to mental health. He needs only .5 mgs of Risperidal while I’m on 3 mgs and it’s not working. He only needs a psychiatrist to give him meds, and I need a therapist and a psychiatrist. He’s never hurt himself, and he’s never hallucinated. So… I’m worse than him, but he’s very sweet and loving. He understands. I’m blessed to have him in my life.
The point is, I don’t know what’s gonna happen here. I’ve got schizoaffective disorder, and I’m in love. That’s going to be one hell of a combination. But, as long as we have feelings for each other, things should be alright.
Alright, so here’s what I know about bipolar disorder: it can be accompanied with ADD/ADHD. So, I looked at the symptoms out of curiosity, and I’ve noticed I do have a lot more traits with ADHD than I thought. It is also possible for me to have ADHD. My sibling has it as well, so it could be hereditary…
I don’t know. This may be a reason why I’m having mood swings, zoning out easily, etc. If so, it sucks. But we’ll see what happens to me then.
Normally, I wouldn’t post anything like this, but a famous YouTuber, Markiplier, does these fundraisers. He plays for charities, and what really caught my attention is that he is fundraising for research on depression and bipolar disorder. When I heard this, a huge grin grew on my face.
You can check him out on Twitch.tv this Saturday, and if you tune in, even for a couple of minutes, I’m sure there will be some money that donates. I’m spreading word about this because there needs to be more research done on these 2 disorders. Also, check out his latest video. He really does get the struggle that those with mental illnesses go through. But yeah, just wanted to let everyone know.
So, I’ve given up on the 31 days of Bipolar because it was getting boring. But anyways, let’s talk about how I feel as of right now.
I’m only on 5 mgs of Abilify, and I feel amazing. My depression went away, and I’m getting my energy back right now. Like, I’m not kidding, I feel like I can do yoga and enjoy it. I feel like drawing and writing would be enjoyable right about now. So, right now, my motivation is back. That was the thing that was concerning me the most. I also realized that this is making my sexual orientation change.
You see, I thought I was an asexual, but in all honesty, it was because I just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing due to my depression. Now, since my depression is decreasing, my actual SO is coming apparent to me. I didn’t know that. But now… I am comfortable with myself.
I’m going to see if there’s anything else that pops up with this medication.