I shouldn’t have mentioned her.

I’m serious, ever since I talked about Dani, I am obsessed with losing weight. I weighed myself 4 times within 24 hours and I’m not eating normally.  I’m lying my way out of eating all that much, and part of me hates it.  Part of me really hates it, but part of me feels so alive.

I’m more determined to eat about no more than 600 calories, which suddenly seems like a lot.  I’m just kind of happily fed up with myself, but I think I should talk about these behaviors with my therapist when I see her again.  Or maybe I’ll keep this a secret.  It’s not interfering with my life, which is something a disorder is supposed to do, so I think I’m golden.  Since I’m obese, it’d look like normal weight loss.

But… I don’t know what to do. I know you guys will tell me to eat, but it’s hard when you don’t like eating or are actually afraid of calories.  I don’t know what to do.

Thoughts Dump

I’ve noticed something. My weight has gone down by 3 pounds. (Yes, I weighed myself just now.) I’ve been eating healthy foods for about 4 days, and I’ve completely cut out fast food and junk food for about a week.

At around the same time, I have decreased my Risperdal, and the result of that is weight loss.  So, I’m not sure if this is the Risperdal or my healthy eating venture.  Regardless, I’m happy with the results, and I can’t wait to lose some weight!

In other news, my boyfriend is the sweetest thing in the whole wide world.  He’s counting down the hours until we see each other again. I can’t really post 3 weeks from now because I’m going to be getting a volunteer position, and then that weekend, I’m gonna be seeing him.  And I want to tell him I love him. Still, it’s hard for me to express my emotions aloud, and people will overhear. I suppose that I’ll wait to tell him until later this year.

I have reason to believe that I might be a demiboy.  The only thing is that I like girl’s clothing.  I would love to wear dresses and skirts, but I feel like I’m a guy. It’s not that strong of a feeling, with means I’m not transgender.  It’s halfway to transgender. I don’t get sad about my female anatomy, I’m just alright with having a body.  It’s hard to explain.

About Danielle, “fondly” Known as Dani

There’s one major hallucination that I forgot to mention entirely.  Her name’s Danielle, but I call her Dani.  The thing about her is that she has this alter ego that she calls Cyra.  So, she also goes by Cyra.  When she says Cyra, it means that she’s very provocative, and at that point, she tries to influence me to do the same. But anyways, let’s get to the description, which, unlike the others, she appears to be condensed down to the looks of a celebrity.

Short blonde hair, wide blue eyes, and she’s rather short.  I can’t describe her that well, but I know of a celebrity that looks exactly like her: Lily Loveless.


It’s freaky how she resembles Dani, but that’s totally fine. What’s not fine is that she is the one that told me not to eat.  She still tells me not to eat, but it’s because she gets a certain idea in my head that I can’t resist because of my impulse control issues, and I go along with it for a few days.  Because of her, I’m becoming obsessed with my weight. I want to stop posting and weigh myself right now because of her.

She was the most vivid visual hallucination that I had.  I swore, I could touch her, and she looked as real as a person you’d see on the street.  I must say, though, she was mean/sarcastic, but she does have a conscience.  That puts her right in the middle of Thayer and Tristan.

So, yeah, I’m going to stop talking about her, and it’s because I’m starting to want to act on weighing myself and stuff.

Hallucinations and Such.

So, I have to admit, I’ve been hallucinating recently, though it’s more of my eyes playing tricks on me.  For example, I’m taking an Ethics class, and I was in the middle of a testing situation, and what happened is that the word changed. Then I looked again, and it was supposed to be the word that it was supposed to be.

Though, it’s only been a little less than a week since I’ve cut my risperidal in half, my hallucinations are more than auditory; there’s visual things going on as well.  I saw this commercial today, and then Tristan appeared in it.  He looked like he was in pain.  He didn’t say anything to me, but he looked as though he had just finished crying.  It didn’t bother me, but I wonder why he was seen.  I wonder why he was like that and not like himself.  I want to ask questions, and I have, but Thayer or Tristan haven’t answered.

But I have a feeling it’s okay.

I think Tristan’s attitude has changed, but I shouldn’t make assumptions about the worst hallucination of them all.

More about Tristan. {Trigger Warning}

I’d like to say that Tristan is related to Thayer, but I’m not sure if it’s true.  I’ve never asked Thayer before.  They look similar — chocolate-colored eyes, thick black hair, the tan complexion, but there are some differences.  Tristan has a more feminine face, and he has shoulder-length hair; sometimes, he ties it up into a ponytail.  He’s also shorter than Thayer and more of my height, which is 5’9″.  His voice is like mine as well, but it’s a higher register for a male.  I would say Tristan is about 20.

Tristan was scaring me in the past.  He urged me to self-harm by talking, and when I self-harmed by slitting my thigh deeper than I wanted to, he would congratulate me, and then he would leave me alone for a couple of days (a week if I was lucky).  He would yell at me, calling me stupid, worthless, a fat disgrace…  Any hurtful thing you could think of, he would call me that.  He was like every single person that bullied me into one being.  It was bad.

One day with medication, he left.  His last words came to me when I cut my deepest and when I got my first scars from hurting myself.  He told me that he “was proud of me.”  He wanted me to hurt myself.  If he could, he probably would’ve pushed me to suicide.  That was how strong he was.  He was extremely abusive towards me, and that’s what made me scared.

So you see, I hope Tristan doesn’t come back.

Just a little note.

I’ve decided to talk about my hallucinations a little more. The reason is because I might have to deal with them more since my risperidal is cut in half. I figure that I won’t be terrified of them if I talk about them, especially Tristan and Danielle.

It seems sudden, but I think I’m going to describe them and talk about their personalities and such. It’s still odd how the characters I created are now hallucinations, but you know what?  That’s totally fine. At least I know them for the most part.

More About Thayer.

I can picture Thayer right in front of me.  He’s a little over 6 feet tall, and he’s about 185 pounds, maybe a little thinner.  I don’t know; I don’t have a good estimate of weight on him.  He has a strong jawline, and he’s got this large, round eyes that are chocolate-colored.  His nose isn’t all that big, and his lips are smooth and thin.  Thayer has a tan complexion, and he has raven-colored hair.  His eyebrows are thick and bushy and he has a deep voice.  The weird part is that it sounds like a male version of my voice, but I don’t mind.

Thayer talks to me, especially in my mind.  He’ll have his input, and he’ll let me respond.  We end up having a conversation at some point, and that’s fine with me.  He’s one of my best friends, and we never argue.  We just talk, and he helps me see the things in life that no one else does.  He teases me sometimes, especially when I talk to my boyfriend.  He thinks we’re cute together.

There has been a time where all of the other hallucinations tried to influence me.  I remember Thayer sitting in front of me and aiding me in making sure I took care of myself.  He made sure I showered, ate, and he was my sanity at one point.  He was the best thing about hallucinating.

He’s still with me.  Otherwise, I’d be a little more lonely than I am now.

I’m scared. {Trigger Warning}

I was passing by a hospital — a psychiatric hospital, as a matter of fact.  I saw the adult inpatient building, and I felt rather uncomfortable.  What really triggered some negative feelings is that I saw people in there.  I saw a male, sitting there by the window.  He had short brown hair, and he was rather pale.  He looked bored in there.

And then I thought, “What if that becomes me?”

I’m terrified of possibly going into the mental ward.  I wouldn’t know what to do.  I’d probably be labeled as a threat to myself, maybe others as well.  I wouldn’t have any friends there, and I’d be all alone.  I’d probably stop eating or act out in ways to see if people did care about me.  I’m not the best person to hang around when I’m psychotic.  I’d do risky things that I normally wouldn’t do — smoke, drink, party, find some random guy to have sex with — though I couldn’t do them when living with family. (I guess my family is good for something, huh?)

Needless to say, I almost cried at that moment.  My reality has changed, and I don’t like it. I pushed so hard for this diagnosis, and I just really want it taken away.  It’s not fun. I’m so scared that things will happen because of a delusion or a hallucination.  What if I hurt my boyfriend because I think he’s the evil hallucination?  What if Tristan tells me to cut too deep and I need stitches and some time in a mental hospital?  I’m just beyond scared right now, and the diagnosis of schizophrenia is not helping.

I think I’ll sit back and just watch a whole bunch of YouTube videos that might make me laugh.  I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel like being happy today.

Paranoid or no?

I suddenly don’t feel safe on this blog. I feel like someone is going to come and yell at me or hate me or something. I don’t know. I just suddenly want to stop because of that.

Religion is driving me nuts.

I’m annoyed with my mind when it comes to religion.  I want to be Pagan, but I also want to be Christian. I can’t tell you why.

I’ve tried to be religious lately, but something in me wants to defy Christianity.  I want to be freed, and then when I get to Paganism, it doesn’t feel right. I’m getting annoyed and it’s not just an impulse.  I guess I want the best of both religions, and that means one of 3 things:

  1. Remain Christian, but dabble into the occult; witchcraft is against what Christianity stands for, so I would be constantly sinning.
  2. Switch to Paganism, and keep some of my Christian walk with it.  The beauty about this way is that I can craft my own path that’s unique to just me.
  3. Combine Paganism and Christianity; I’d use Mary for the Goddess and Jesus for the God aspect.  Although this one is doable, there’d be a LOT of blurred lines. I don’t even come from a Catholic background, so Mary would be a new idea to me.  I wouldn’t know how that goes.

This is confusing to me.  I need to decide which one to try… The first one makes me feel like a hypocrite.  Plus someone had done witchcraft while in the church at one point, and they got kicked out.  I don’t do witchcraft…. Though herbology and that kind of stuff captures my attention more than spells.

I may be looking at the 2nd or 3rd idea a lot more and see what happens.