The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

Five Nights at Freddy’s and Mental Health?

I was thinking to myself about schizophrenia and how people see and hear things, the paranoia behind the disorder, and other things like that. Then I shifted my thoughts on how to describe this mental disorder to someone who doesn’t Know about how this feels. I came up with the game Five Nights at Freddy’s. 

For the uninformed, Five Nights at Freddy’s (henceforth called FNAF) is a Game that is popular because it invokes fear. You have to survive 5 whole nights with possessed animatronics such as Chicka the chicken, Freddy Fazbear, and Bonnie the bunny. You must close a door whenever they appear, and that uses energy. You are limited to a certain amount of energy per night. There’s FNAF 2 and 3, but for now, let’s focus on the first game. 

This game will make you jump and scream. You’ll panic and think that these animatronics will hurt you. You hear things. You think they’re in a room, and you feel so confident in that answer even when they’re in another room. You get paranoid thoughts. You have false (though not extreme) beliefs. 

When you move to the 3rd installment of the game, you hallucinate, and the hallucinations cause the player of the game to jump. They freak out and it’s because the hallucinations try to hurt you and you can’t seem to escape them. 

This is how I view schizophrenia: a big game of FNAF. (This is my opinion of course. Just thought I’d share.)

Another Hallucination? (Trigger Warning)

I talked about Dani, and she was this hallucination that told me not to eat. She called me fat and ugly just for eating, and I hated it. She made me afraid of calories to the point where I’d cry at meal times, especially at school. I heard a voice telling me not to eat, but she was different. It wasn’t Dani at all. 

I had this dream — or maybe it was something to where I thought it was a dream and she was talking to me — that a new, blonde, tall girl had walked into my life. Her name is Anna. She is popular, and her zodiac sign is a Leo. I believe the voice belongs to her. 

I was getting ready to prepare my breakfast, and I hear this girl saying, “Don’t eat.” When I asked her why, she said that I’ll burn more calories doing so. She also told me to drink water so that I don’t feel hungry. I know this is bad, but I’m not alone anymore. It’s a relief to me that someone is talking to me. I don’t like the message that she’s sending me, but hey, it’s something. 

I just don’t know how to tell someone this. I want to tell my psychiatrist, but he’s going to think I’m more insane. So, I don’t wanna talk to him. If I tell my therapist, she’s going to drill me with questions. 

So… I’m stuck. 

Twitter and other news.

I set up a twitter in case you guys want to contact me in another way, and I think I might make a facebook as well. You can find my twitter here, and I’ll post about life and stuff regularly.  It’s not all going to be about mental health. I may post about my boyfriend, or I might show my face.  I used to have a blog on here, whose username escapes me, and I know at least 1 person will recognize me.

I don’t mind that though.  It’s because I feel safe here and I trust you all with my secrets. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t tell you guys about my schizoaffective disorder, eating habits, and other things.

In other news, I am going out of town in 2 weeks.  I haven’t drastically hallucinated and I only heard 1 voice so far after getting switched off of the 3 mgs of risperidone to 1.5 mgs.  The abilify is working so good, and I’m glad I found a drug that does it all.  What does this have to do with going out of town?  I’m seeing my boyfriend, and usually, I hallucinate around him, especially when I leave him.  I want to see if the abilify has helped that.

I’m really excited about seeing my boyfriend though.  My heart skips beats just thinking about that.  I’ve decided to tell him about my schizoaffective disorder through the letter I wrote him.  I’m convinced he wouldn’t mind, but I also want to know how this changes our relationship.  Maybe it won’t.  I wouldn’t know.  I have to wait and see.

I don’t know what else to write about, so here’s what I’m thinking about doing: I’m thinking about taking questions about schizoaffective disorder.  Ask me about my moods, thoughts, paranoid delusions (trust me, I’ve had some), hallucinations, etc. I have nothing to hide, and I want to do this so that people can learn schizophrenia and bipolar disorder isn’t all bad. That’s just how I am.

So, that’s about all I have for you guys today. Sorry, I’m not all that exciting right now.  The worst is over, and I’m so relieved that it is.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Psych Class + Ethics Class = Ugh. { Trigger Warning }

I was in psychology class today, and I learned about the various forms of bipolar disorder.  I also learned a tiny bit about schizophrenia, but we just only scratched the surface.  According to the behavior that my teacher had talked about today, I have characteristics of Bipolar I.  I’m not kidding, I spent a whole lot of money when I was diagnosed, and if I could, I would’ve drank alcohol and done other reckless things.  Like, the biggest thing for me would be impulses.  I am impulsive, and I admit that.

I also found out that I suffered from a mixed episode when I was in high school.  I hated myself, and I wanted to die, but at the same time, I was so energetic and it was scary.  I remember being very bubbly after showing friends my wrist from self-harming, and they said I needed help.  I didn’t care though.  It made me happy.

Come to think of it, before I developed schizophrenia, I went through mixed episodes when I hurt myself.  Those were scary times, and I don’t want to remember them.

Speaking of schizophrenia, it was brought up in my ethics class.  The teacher was very uninformed about hallucinations, or at least in my opinion.  He used an example of a purple elephant…

But not many people would see a purple elephant.  There’s far more disturbing things that you could see.  For example, a person getting their head cut off.  Or, at the very least, a hallucination torturing you because you have, oh, I don’t know, blonde hair or something.  I mean, I felt a little heated after the class talked about it in mixture with Utilitarianism, so I literally bit my tongue to prevent myself from talking.

Other than both of my disorders being brought up along with my reflection, I’m ok.  I mean, my head is hurting once more, thanks to the withdrawal symptoms.  I’ll have to get used to it until I’m off the risperidone.  I hope that’ll be soon.

I am borderline psychotic.

I can feel myself trying to slip, but the abilify is making it to where I can’t slip.  I’m not hallucinating anymore, and I do think it was a withdrawal symptom.  I was hearing things and now I’m not.  I’m not seeing things.  I’m taking painkillers to keep the headache away because it’s too unbearable without the meds.

I’ve been relaxing and thinking.  I think I’m going to write my boyfriend a lengthy letter telling him how much he means to me.  I sometimes forget that he said that he’d be with me, no matter how mentally unstable I’d end up.  He’s very supportive and he has a big heart, and that’s why I fell for him.

Anyways, I’m at a place to where I want to do something nice and loving for people.  I think it’s the best time and I’ve reached a nirvana of some sort.  Maybe it’s the borderline psychotic thing I’m having, but I feel more peaceful.  I feel at ease after what happened this morning.  I love this feeling.  I love it to bits.

About Danielle, “fondly” Known as Dani

There’s one major hallucination that I forgot to mention entirely.  Her name’s Danielle, but I call her Dani.  The thing about her is that she has this alter ego that she calls Cyra.  So, she also goes by Cyra.  When she says Cyra, it means that she’s very provocative, and at that point, she tries to influence me to do the same. But anyways, let’s get to the description, which, unlike the others, she appears to be condensed down to the looks of a celebrity.

Short blonde hair, wide blue eyes, and she’s rather short.  I can’t describe her that well, but I know of a celebrity that looks exactly like her: Lily Loveless.


It’s freaky how she resembles Dani, but that’s totally fine. What’s not fine is that she is the one that told me not to eat.  She still tells me not to eat, but it’s because she gets a certain idea in my head that I can’t resist because of my impulse control issues, and I go along with it for a few days.  Because of her, I’m becoming obsessed with my weight. I want to stop posting and weigh myself right now because of her.

She was the most vivid visual hallucination that I had.  I swore, I could touch her, and she looked as real as a person you’d see on the street.  I must say, though, she was mean/sarcastic, but she does have a conscience.  That puts her right in the middle of Thayer and Tristan.

So, yeah, I’m going to stop talking about her, and it’s because I’m starting to want to act on weighing myself and stuff.

Hallucinations and Such.

So, I have to admit, I’ve been hallucinating recently, though it’s more of my eyes playing tricks on me.  For example, I’m taking an Ethics class, and I was in the middle of a testing situation, and what happened is that the word changed. Then I looked again, and it was supposed to be the word that it was supposed to be.

Though, it’s only been a little less than a week since I’ve cut my risperidal in half, my hallucinations are more than auditory; there’s visual things going on as well.  I saw this commercial today, and then Tristan appeared in it.  He looked like he was in pain.  He didn’t say anything to me, but he looked as though he had just finished crying.  It didn’t bother me, but I wonder why he was seen.  I wonder why he was like that and not like himself.  I want to ask questions, and I have, but Thayer or Tristan haven’t answered.

But I have a feeling it’s okay.

I think Tristan’s attitude has changed, but I shouldn’t make assumptions about the worst hallucination of them all.

More about Tristan. {Trigger Warning}

I’d like to say that Tristan is related to Thayer, but I’m not sure if it’s true.  I’ve never asked Thayer before.  They look similar — chocolate-colored eyes, thick black hair, the tan complexion, but there are some differences.  Tristan has a more feminine face, and he has shoulder-length hair; sometimes, he ties it up into a ponytail.  He’s also shorter than Thayer and more of my height, which is 5’9″.  His voice is like mine as well, but it’s a higher register for a male.  I would say Tristan is about 20.

Tristan was scaring me in the past.  He urged me to self-harm by talking, and when I self-harmed by slitting my thigh deeper than I wanted to, he would congratulate me, and then he would leave me alone for a couple of days (a week if I was lucky).  He would yell at me, calling me stupid, worthless, a fat disgrace…  Any hurtful thing you could think of, he would call me that.  He was like every single person that bullied me into one being.  It was bad.

One day with medication, he left.  His last words came to me when I cut my deepest and when I got my first scars from hurting myself.  He told me that he “was proud of me.”  He wanted me to hurt myself.  If he could, he probably would’ve pushed me to suicide.  That was how strong he was.  He was extremely abusive towards me, and that’s what made me scared.

So you see, I hope Tristan doesn’t come back.