At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids. I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer. This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then. I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7. It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.
I used to self harm at the age of 10. I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right. I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class. I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.
When I was 15, it was a rough time. I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting. She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder. So I did. I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011. I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction. I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.
At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t. This was when I started having a mixed episode. It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things. That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.
I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand. I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent. I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer. In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack. So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…
So, I went and I got help. I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences. He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone. It was the first anti-psychotic I was on. It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.
A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream. I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing. It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time. I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…
Well, kind of. I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright. As long as I’m not driving. Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time. Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.