My mom doesn’t want me to get better.

That’s the only reason I have as to why my mom doesn’t want me taking lithium. So, I’m not worth the meds, and I shouldn’t be stable, and I should just die. That’s what my mom’s actions are saying to me right now.

“There’s too many side effects.” Well, it might just be the thing that calms me down. It might be the thing that makes me normal. God, how I want to be normal.

But I’m crying and upset, and no one really cares, and I’m sure as hell not telling my boyfriend. He would probably take my mom’s side on this.  But the point is that it was my choice to take lithium, and now my mom is butting in on my appointments and my decisions, and my choices don’t matter anymore.

This is seriously making me want to relapse, and I hate it.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Psych Class + Ethics Class = Ugh. { Trigger Warning }

I was in psychology class today, and I learned about the various forms of bipolar disorder.  I also learned a tiny bit about schizophrenia, but we just only scratched the surface.  According to the behavior that my teacher had talked about today, I have characteristics of Bipolar I.  I’m not kidding, I spent a whole lot of money when I was diagnosed, and if I could, I would’ve drank alcohol and done other reckless things.  Like, the biggest thing for me would be impulses.  I am impulsive, and I admit that.

I also found out that I suffered from a mixed episode when I was in high school.  I hated myself, and I wanted to die, but at the same time, I was so energetic and it was scary.  I remember being very bubbly after showing friends my wrist from self-harming, and they said I needed help.  I didn’t care though.  It made me happy.

Come to think of it, before I developed schizophrenia, I went through mixed episodes when I hurt myself.  Those were scary times, and I don’t want to remember them.

Speaking of schizophrenia, it was brought up in my ethics class.  The teacher was very uninformed about hallucinations, or at least in my opinion.  He used an example of a purple elephant…

But not many people would see a purple elephant.  There’s far more disturbing things that you could see.  For example, a person getting their head cut off.  Or, at the very least, a hallucination torturing you because you have, oh, I don’t know, blonde hair or something.  I mean, I felt a little heated after the class talked about it in mixture with Utilitarianism, so I literally bit my tongue to prevent myself from talking.

Other than both of my disorders being brought up along with my reflection, I’m ok.  I mean, my head is hurting once more, thanks to the withdrawal symptoms.  I’ll have to get used to it until I’m off the risperidone.  I hope that’ll be soon.

Abilify & Risperidone

I had a massive headache from a withdrawal from the risperidone.  Oh, god that sucked.  I’m not a person to complain about pain, but that hurt me so much.  Like, it was a 10 on a scale of 1-5.  The risperidone also started getting out of my system, and that was hell.  I was out of it all day, but now, I feel much better.  I can also tell the abilify is working.  I’m not hallucinating at all.

I went to the doctor today, and I told him I was on abilify.  He assumed I had Major Depressive Disorder.  It’s because I don’t “look” like a schizoaffective human being; I just strike him as depressive.  This is what I hate about stigma.  Stop assuming people’s disorders by just a look…

But yeah, that’s literally all that’s going on with me mentally. It’s weird not having much to talk about, and I feel like I’m neglecting you guys. D:

Aww, well…

I am borderline psychotic.

I can feel myself trying to slip, but the abilify is making it to where I can’t slip.  I’m not hallucinating anymore, and I do think it was a withdrawal symptom.  I was hearing things and now I’m not.  I’m not seeing things.  I’m taking painkillers to keep the headache away because it’s too unbearable without the meds.

I’ve been relaxing and thinking.  I think I’m going to write my boyfriend a lengthy letter telling him how much he means to me.  I sometimes forget that he said that he’d be with me, no matter how mentally unstable I’d end up.  He’s very supportive and he has a big heart, and that’s why I fell for him.

Anyways, I’m at a place to where I want to do something nice and loving for people.  I think it’s the best time and I’ve reached a nirvana of some sort.  Maybe it’s the borderline psychotic thing I’m having, but I feel more peaceful.  I feel at ease after what happened this morning.  I love this feeling.  I love it to bits.

Details, details.

I was on my phone and I couldn’t write a lot because my phone was a dingle-muffin (welcome to my new method of swearing).  So, I decided to make a post explaining in detail what happened at the psychiatrist’s office today.  It was something that was a lot of information, but I needed to hear some things.

Right now, I’m currently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder NOS and something called undifferentiated schizophrenia.  Thanks to my rad research skills, I decided to look it up and give a definition with you guys.  It’s when someone experiences some of the symptoms of schizophrenia, like hallucinations and disorganized speaking in my case, but they do not meet the criteria of an actual schizophrenic category.  Now… Let’s get to the Schizoaffective part of things.

I’ve heard that Schizoaffective Disorder occurs when someone has both traits of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but doesn’t meet the criteria for both of them.  I was also told by my psychiatrist that “schizoaffective” was a very good description of what my diagnosis was.

Now that I found out I’ve got schizoaffective disorder, I’m considering getting my tubes tied or something like that.  I don’t want my offspring having schizoaffective disorder, and I sure don’t want them to go through the hell I once went through.  I’ve been considering this for a long time, and I really want to do this.  I know I’m only 19, but this is for the best.  Besides, I want a couple of dogs as my children.

As for the medicine, I’m scared.  If he’s cutting the Risperidal in half, then that means that I could very well hallucinate. I could see Thayer again, which I don’t mind him, but the other hallucinations — Danielle, the Evil Boyfriend, and Tristan — are going to be trouble if they pop up again.  I’ve been hearing Thayer already, but I’ve heard him only for one day. Still, I’m scared.  I’m really, really scared.

The thing I’m a little nervous about is that I have to tell my boyfriend that I have schizophrenic traits, and though he knows I hallucinated in the past, he doesn’t know that I’ve been formally diagnosed with schizophrenia. So, I’ve gotten better on trusting him and knowing he wouldn’t leave me when things get tough.  Still, I’m wondering what he’ll say in response.  He might want to just hug me.  It’s not my fault my brain is like that; the doctor said so.

I just can’t believe I’m schizophrenic.  I mean, my grandfather was one, and I thought that there was only a 12% chance that I would be schizophrenic as well.  I guess I got that 12% gene in me.  And it’s hard.  It’s really hard.  I have to hide my mental health from my family.  Once they hear the “Schizo” part, they’ll think that I’ll jump off a second story balcony and run and scream that people are out to get me (That happened to my grandfather, by the way).  I don’t think people understand how horrid it is when you have some schizophrenic traits. You see and hear things that you don’t want to see and hear.  You have some trouble getting out words.  (It would be apparent if you heard me talk; I tend to type a lot better.)  Sometimes, you get paranoid delusions….

It’s not fun.

But let me stop babbling.  I just wanted to get some things off of my chest.

Abilify – 2 Weeks After Starting

So, it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve started taking Abilify, and I must say that this medication is powerful for me.  I am more outgoing — according to the Myers-Briggs Personalities, I went from an INFJ to an ENFJ.  That means I’m naturally more outgoing than I previously was.  (Oh, and before I forget, ENFJ personalities are, how you say, controlling.)

I switched back to Christianity and realized that Wicca was an impulsive thing to go after, and the religion should not be taken lightly.  I am happy to say that I’m a Christian again, and I felt more compelled to talk to others in church, therefore making me feel like I belong in there.

I am pretty sure that Abilify is making my sleep more regular than before.  I can’t sleep over 10 hours, so that’s handy.  I can also sleep deeper and can sleep with dreams right now.  Like, the last time I dreamed was… what, months ago…?  Now I’m having a dream every night, and it’s so good.  They’re mostly positive dreams as well.

I do not feel empty anymore.  I feel fabulous and happy.  I have had a couple of times where I was sad, and I think those mood swings had to do with some other biological things (hint, hint).  I still feel emotions rather deeply, and it stinks.  Maybe it could be fixed with a higher dose, but I’m not sure.

The Risperidal’s effect is fading off, and that means that some hallucinations are coming back: the commenting voice, the sound I hear when I’m in the shower…  Those are the only things I seem to be hearing now.  I think the Abilify is making up for what the Risperidal isn’t doing.

So, at this point in life, I have schizoaffective disorder, and my symptoms are under control for the most part.  I think that this is alright for the meantime.  My appointment is tomorrow, and I think that he may bump up the Abilify while decrease my Risperidal.  Here comes the scariest part of transitioning meds.  I have to prepare myself…