I realized something.

I shut a lot of people out when I’m depressed.  I don’t tell my boyfriend when I’m sad, and I make sure to fake a smile for my mom every once in a while.  My sibling and grandparent don’t know that I’m like this regardless, and I always seem to update my Facebook in a cheery manner.

The only ones I let in are you guys.  Maybe it’s just easier for me to write out my emotions or something, I don’t know.

It’s getting hard to type or speak or communicate in general, so I should shut up and watch a movie I like.

Grieving and Cyberbullying.

So, I should get this off of my chest.  Someone I knew died today.  It hurts me because he was a loving and caring person and he had the whole world ahead of him.  He was only 21.

If I were off of my medication, I would say that it’s my fault, that I should’ve helped him, even though he was states away.  I’d be crying all day, and it would’ve hurt me.  I barely knew the guy, but I would internalize my sadness and become extremely depressed.  But I still feel sad, and I think that the abilify has helped me so much with my depression; I don’t feel sad enough to really cry, but I’m grieving in a way that’s appropriate for this situation.  I barely knew him = not crying, but sad.

In other news, I have a person that created a twitter just to harass me.  I feel so flattered, you don’t even know.  I was wondering when I’d get one of those trolls.  Now that I got one, I feel like I won an Oscar.  I’m officially an important blog and I don’t care if he said I diagnosed myself.

So, to the person who tried to bully me: I have documentation to prove my theory of being schizoaffective, you imbecile.  I mean, you should also know that everyone is different when it comes to medication.  Therefore, you should stop trying to make it look like I’m claiming to be condescending.  Oh, and by the way, my posts are all over the place because I’m disorganized.  That’s what schizophrenia does to you.  You probably didn’t know that, you little shit.  You’re not bothering me.  You’re just amusing to me.  You amuse me with some stupidity.  So, with that in mind, have a nice day.

As to the people that support me: You guys are like a family to me.  You were there where no one else would listen to me, and you were there when I started to see and hear things.  You were there through all of the meds and diagnoses.  I really love you all, and if I was ever rude to you during those times, I am totally sorry.  I was under so much stress and delusions…

Anyways, that’s it for this post.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Abilify – 2 Weeks After Starting

So, it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve started taking Abilify, and I must say that this medication is powerful for me.  I am more outgoing — according to the Myers-Briggs Personalities, I went from an INFJ to an ENFJ.  That means I’m naturally more outgoing than I previously was.  (Oh, and before I forget, ENFJ personalities are, how you say, controlling.)

I switched back to Christianity and realized that Wicca was an impulsive thing to go after, and the religion should not be taken lightly.  I am happy to say that I’m a Christian again, and I felt more compelled to talk to others in church, therefore making me feel like I belong in there.

I am pretty sure that Abilify is making my sleep more regular than before.  I can’t sleep over 10 hours, so that’s handy.  I can also sleep deeper and can sleep with dreams right now.  Like, the last time I dreamed was… what, months ago…?  Now I’m having a dream every night, and it’s so good.  They’re mostly positive dreams as well.

I do not feel empty anymore.  I feel fabulous and happy.  I have had a couple of times where I was sad, and I think those mood swings had to do with some other biological things (hint, hint).  I still feel emotions rather deeply, and it stinks.  Maybe it could be fixed with a higher dose, but I’m not sure.

The Risperidal’s effect is fading off, and that means that some hallucinations are coming back: the commenting voice, the sound I hear when I’m in the shower…  Those are the only things I seem to be hearing now.  I think the Abilify is making up for what the Risperidal isn’t doing.

So, at this point in life, I have schizoaffective disorder, and my symptoms are under control for the most part.  I think that this is alright for the meantime.  My appointment is tomorrow, and I think that he may bump up the Abilify while decrease my Risperidal.  Here comes the scariest part of transitioning meds.  I have to prepare myself…

My family depresses me.

My family isn’t really such a family to me.  They bully me at times, and they ignore me at other times.  Take last Wednesday for example.

Even though I’m Native American, my genetics played out to where I look like I’m of Asian decent.  I admit, I do look like I am Asian, but my family pointed it out and kept pointing it out.  It lowered my self-esteem, made me feel really conscious of myself.  This hasn’t been the first time that they’ve teased me.  My mother called me fat on multiple occasions.  Even when I was little.

I told her that I wanted to be an ice skater, and she said I would break the ice and that I’d better lose weight.  She made me see a therapist about my weight when I was only 6. She put me in a weight loss class for obese children when I was 7 or 8.  And all I keep hearing in my mind is that I’m huge, I’m fat, and I’ll always be fat.  So all of the bullying from my mom really scarred me.  Don’t forget that my words aren’t important.  She ignores me the most, and I wait like an idiot in hopes she’ll listen to me.

My sibling has Aspergers.  He is unmedicated, and he’s taken some anger out on me.  He’s told me he hates me on multiple occasions.  He flat out ignores me and would rather play video games than talk to me.  All I really want is a brother, but my brother is only one by blood.

My aunt is very judgmental.  She finds race to be a determining factor in dating.  She also doesn’t like LGBT people.  I happen to be LGBT.  She doesn’t know it, but I am genderfluid and I’m bisexual. (In case you didn’t know, my sexuality changed; I was asexual because I was depressed.)  I had on a sports bra and my hair was cut short because I like my hair short.  It was a day where I felt like a guy, so I was just expressing myself.  She said I looked like a lesbian who was trying to be a guy.  And that hurt me so much.  I almost cried in front of her.  What’s worse?  My grandmother defended her.  I felt like I was alone and no one accepted me.

I’m just tired of my family.  I’m so depressed here. I want to just get a job and save up for an apartment so my boyfriend could live with me.  He’d never hurt me like they do.  At least I know he’d care for me a lot more than these “family members.”  I’m just done with them.

Empty threats and more.

I feel like I’m such a monster.  I had a twitter… Emphasis on had.  It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel.  Always.  So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today.  And you know, they ignored me.  So, I got mad…  And they ignored me.  So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying.  They couldn’t have replied fast enough.

They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts.  I feel like they deserve that.  They won’t text me, though.  I’m sure of that.  They’re too fucking busy talking to each other.  Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend.  I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.

So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost.  I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut.  But I have to hold in my emotions.

My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now.  She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there.  I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization.  It’d scare me and cause me anxiety.  I just don’t know.  Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.

I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it.  Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty.  No one else has…


So I’m back with an update from my appointment earlier today. I am not sure if my diagnosis switched to schizoaffective disorder, but the doctor did know that I suffered from hallucinations and depression.  That may leave him with enough to diagnose me with schizoaffective, but I’m not sure if he would do it on the first day we met.

Unlike the nurse I saw, this doctor was very nice and professional.  He asked me more about my past and what I experienced in detail.  He decided to do something with my medication, which was unexpected in the way he approached it.

My risperidal is giving me a larger chest and causing me to be unable to lose weight, and it’s not helping my depression. So, my instructions are to start a new prescription, which is supposed to help me get a better grip on my depression.  It’s Abilify. It’s also a mood stabilizer, and it has less health risks, so no more twitching, bigger boobs, or weight gain. The trick with this is that I have to take Abilify with the Risperidal.  If, for some reason, it doesn’t work, I wouldn’t be left with nasty hallucinations.  If it does work, I’m going to decrease my Risperidal until it’s no more.  Then I can work on adjusting the Abilify.

Since insurance can be a bitch when it comes to approving this drug, I was given some samples.  I have to see him 2 weeks from now to see if my depression stays the same or improves. If it works, he’ll tell the insurance it works and that I’m on it, and that way, they can’t fight it.

Abilify will be the 3rd mood stabilizer that I’d been placed on within a year, and I’m kind of happy that I’m trying something different.  I feel more optimistic about this stabilizer than anyone I’ve been on, really. Of course, I’m scared the hallucinations will come back, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.  I’m tired of not being normal, you know? I want to be able to have a stable relationship with someone, and I want to genuinely smile.  I want to be able to get rid of my negative thoughts. I want to be able to do things that I can’t do. I just want to be normal already.

So, I hope Abilify does that for me.  And if it doesn’t then I have to try something else.

My Depression Is Rising Again.

I feel really, really depressed. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. People assume that I’m being antisocial and stuff, and that’s fine with me. I can survive by myself here.  It’s much better than being out in public and having to fake a smile.

I had a meltdown because I can’t seem to find a job. I need a job to make it through school, and I don’t have one yet. I’m freaking out and I’m stressed. And now my mom knows that I’m depressed. That sucks.

I just want to skip right to Wednesday. I need some pills to make me feel better. I’ve tried other techniques, but they’re not helping. I need an antidepressant or something…

31 Days of Bipolar – Days 16 & 17

I’m just going to jump right into it today.

16. If you could plan the best possible treatment strategy for your bipolar self, what would it look like?

The only thing I would change from my whole schedule is to see a therapist once a week rather than bi-weekly. The reason for that is so that I can talk about things that happened in the past. I would like to do that, but I’d have to get more comfortable with the therapist, you know? But seeing someone once a month for medication is doing it just fine. Maybe some DBT would be good as well, but once again, I wouldn’t want to push myself to do things that may be uncomfortable.

17. If bipolar was a real thing or being, what would it look, sound and behave like?

I would like to put it in this context, and I hope I’m not offending anyone like this:

I imagine it as a person with 2 personalities.  The main host is depressive, lethargic, and they would cry all the time. They’d sound whiny, though sometimes grumpy due to aggression, and that would be weird.  They’d have no friends, and they’d spend a long amount of time in their bed.

On the other side, there’d be a personality that is the life of the party. They make friends easily.  They’d love drugs and they would sound more seductive than the other personality would.  They’d spend lots of money, and people would love them regardless.  They may get impulsive at times, but that’s okay.

That’s how I picture bipolar disorder.

Something Personal. { Trigger Warning }

I’m starting to open up about some pretty deep things, and I think that I’m ready to talk about some things that really need to be put out there.  I don’t want to bottle anything up; I’m getting over that initial fear of sharing.  So, I wanted to say something that no one knows about. I want to talk about it because I’ve been thinking about it more and more, and I want to find some sort of peace with it. So, I’m going to share right now.

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