I want to not exist anymore.

My mom went back on her word and got one of her pharmacist friends to back her up. She even wanted to talk about cutting my risperidone.  Oh, and by the way, she’s concerned about my depression and anxiety and ignores my mania. I’m just so done with her.

Maybe I’ll attempt suicide. You know, not fully commit suicide, but attempt it so that she’ll see that I need lithium. This whole thing is breaking my heart in so many ways… That would be ideal, but I’m not going to do it.

I’m just going to give her the silent treatment until I pick up my lithium and take it, like the fucking grown adult I am. And if not, then I’ll try the depakote again. This time, I’d be well equipped to deal with the anxiety.

I don’t fucking care, I want to be normal.


They’re stressing me out and I’ve noticed that I’m starting to have some hallucinations again.  They’re faint whispers and peculiar odors,  but that’s all so far.  I think one of the voices I heard was Thayer, but I’m not sure as to what he was saying, other than he’s back.

He has a soft whisper, in case you couldn’t tell.  He’s the only hallucination I can deal with right now, and I’m terrified that Tristan is going to come back and say a lot of nasty things towards me.  I want to see my doctor.  I don’t know if it’s stress or if it’s because my medication is lowered.  Either way, I think I might need to schedule an appointment for me next week.  I’d hate to do it, but I need to do it.

I just don’t want a repeat of last summer, and I want to break down crying, but I’m in public.  I don’t know. It’s scaring me though.


My moods are still up in the air.  I’m still angry sometimes, sad sometimes, and anxious at times.  They’re all caused by something.  I don’t know what’s happening, but I know that taking Risperidone in the morning as well as the evening is helping me.

I’m thinking about quitting my fast food job, and getting one in a store setting. The fast food industry isn’t for me, and it’s almost given me three panic attacks within a month’s time.  Between the bullying and the panic attacks, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.  It’s too stressful.

I’m going to see what a diet does for me, and I’m going to see if it helps improve my depressive state.  I heard that some foods can improve your overall well-being, so…

That’s about all. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m feeling really depressed today, and not wanting to go to work is causing it.

Work is Depressing Me.

I want to quit working.  I was doing so good, but as always, someone had to go and ruin the experience for me.  She’s a bully, and she treats me different than anyone else.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m one of those people that are an “Obvious Christian” — you know, I don’t normally swear, drink, smoke… That kind of thing — or if it’s because I act proper.  (Let’s just say that the place I work involves people being illiterate and such.)

She yelled at me and treated me with disrespect.  I don’t know why, but she did.  It affected me yesterday (You know, my mood changes rapidly) and today.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to go to school.  I didn’t want to live, really.  With my sibling and my mother arguing, that made me feel a lot worse than when I did.  I want to cry so bad, but where do you go and cry when you have to listen to important lectures…?

I think I want to search for another job.  I don’t like working fast food anyways.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s too stressful, and I almost had panic attacks at times.  I need something slower and more routine-oriented than fast food.  I’ve only had this job for a month, and I need to move on.

Update as of April 18th 2015

I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t care as much.

I’m pissed with my “friends,” so I blocked them on social media.  I haven’t talked to them since God knows how long.  I’m thinking about writing poetry about them, because after all, so many people love my poetry when it involves personal pain.  I’ve been thinking about smoking and have had dreams about it, even though I haven’t picked a cigarette up to smoke it.

The only reason I’ve attended church is to socialize.  That’s where I can find my real friends and my boyfriend.  It stinks, but I’ve lost my connection with God.  You know, I don’t mean a hallucination telling me what to do.  I mean, I’ve lost my spiritual connection, and because of that, I’m tempted to go back to paganism and into a Buddhist philosophy.  People at church wouldn’t know the difference anyways.

I feel like the only person that isn’t against me in this world is my boyfriend.  He’s really supportive, and he’s pretty nice.  I fall in love with him more and more every single day.  I’m just scared of losing him.  If I lose him, then I have no reason to live, and then I’ll be suicidal and may attempt or succeed in my attempt.

The resperidone decrease isn’t so bad so far.  It’s been about a week, and I haven’t had any headaches.  I’m taking .5 milligrams in the day, and .5 at night.  The only complaint I have about it is that I can’t tell if I’m hungry.  Yesterday, I went through the day with just a banana and a small serving of peaches, but up until after my shift at work, when I ate some fish.   But other than that, my moods have gotten better.  I know that sometimes, the meds take a while to work, but I feel like it’s working already.

I feel no motivation for school.  I hate it and its environment all of the sudden.  All I feel is loneliness, and that’s all I think I can feel there.  I just don’t like school.  My grades are slipping because of my mental health, and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know?  It’s my fault that I’m not turning in assignments, and it’s my fault that there’s no one that understands me.  I know that’s not true, but I believe them to be true.

That’s all I can write about.  Maybe I’ll just treat myself with some love today.  That’s all I can do, right?

Untitled Poetry

I want to turn my brain off right now.
I’m either emotionless or overly-emotional.
I get so happy, then sad, then angry…

I want to turn my brain off.
I’m tired of hearing and seeing things.
I’m tired of thinking things that aren’t true.

I want to turn my brain off for a moment.
I am tired of the ups and downs.
I just want to be normal.


Today’s appointment…

…Went better than I thought it would.  I saw my psychiatrist, and he was thrilled that I lost 6 pounds, have a job, and have no need to take insulin anymore.  He called them “major improvements.”

I told him about my symptoms of Saturday and how they involved anger, anxiety, and extreme suicidal thoughts.  He wants to switch up my decreased version of risperidone: one .5 tablet twice a day.   I can see it in his expression that he was curious about another diagnosis that I recently learned about in class.  I’m not going to say it because it’s possible that I don’t have it.  Still, I could tell that he is curious about it.

He wanted to relieve my symptoms, and he contemplated putting me on Lithium, which I’ve only heard a handful of times from a blogger’s URL and an Evanescence song.  He also considered putting me on an antidepressant, but the Abilify takes care of my depression as is.  It’d also make me gain lots of weight, and considering I just lost 6 pounds and I’m still overweight, that would be bad.

So, he stuck with risperidone instead, and he didn’t mind doing that.

At this point, I don’t care if he diagnoses me with anything else.  I don’t care, and it’s because I’m just myself.  If seeing things and having radical mood swings is me, then I’m not going to change myself or wish that I was someone else because of it.  I was made this way, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.

Update – March 27th 2015

It’s been a while, at least to me.  I’ve been doing good and I’ve seen to recover from that weight thing by myself.  I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of days, and I’m not as obsessive as it when I wanted to lose weight.  I want to lose it in a healthy way.

As for mental health things, I’m suddenly dealing with a lot of anxiety.  When my boyfriend said something about video chatting, I started shaking and couldn’t breathe.  I know this could be a side effect of Abilify, and I hope it could be treated with something more than a pill as needed (they make me tired and I can’t deal with it).

I’ve had no hallucinations so far, and that’s a great thing.  I also found out that I can adopt if my schizoaffective disorder is under control.  I would love to adopt a bouncing baby boy, and I have some names picked out for him.  I also might adopt a little girl as well, but I’ve got to be in check with my symptoms.

I’ve got my first job, and I’m really stoked about that.  I don’t think it’d be much stress, regardless of the fact that it’s fast food related.  I believe I’m going to be a cashier, and I’m totally fine with it.  I’m nervous because orientation is Monday.  I get to see who I’m working with, so that will be interesting.

But these are things that have been happening, and I’m happy where I am right now.  If you told me a year ago that things would be alright, I wouldn’t believe you.  But… I’m happy. Very happy.

Thoughts of a healing Schizoaffective – Hallucinations

So I was reading Schizo Serenity’s post and she was discussing how her medicine may take away one of her hallucinations and she would miss him if he went away.  It made me think of something that I’m going through.

I’ve been on 15 mgs of Abilify for about 3 weeks right now, and it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Thayer.  Actually, the only things I hear are sound effect noises, and I hate to say it, but it’s lonely without Thayer.

I miss him teasing me about me and my boyfriend.  I miss him saying inappropriate things and making me laugh.  He was like the big brother I’ve never had, and now I can’t hear him.  So, I’m not going to lie, it stinks.  He really did help me out when I was hallucinating, and to lose him is kind of like losing a great friend.  Scratch that:

He was a great friend.

He knew me better than I knew myself.  So yeah, the point is, if I want to become better, I will have to accept the fact that he’s gone and I can’t hear him anymore.  I can only draw him if I want to see him.  He’s not real anymore.  He’s just a character.

And that is what hurts the most.

Anxiety and Sharing with the Class.

I have been going through a lot of anxiety lately.  Anxiety about my weight, midterm exams, eating, fighting between family members, the death…  And quite frankly, I’ve been having panic attacks.  Thank goodness I was able to disguise them (I am really good at hiding negative emotions; “bottling them up,” as you may like to call them).  So, these panic attacks happen for about 15 minutes or longer, and I told my therapist about it.  She thinks that if I find hobbies to help me manage this anxiety, then we may have a solution: healthy coping 101.  I don’t doubt that, but I can’t help but wonder if it runs deeper than that.

Anyways, I was lost and I didn’t know what to do for a project to do in my photography class, and I decided to do something that showcases my bipolar disorder.  I kid you not, I decided to tell others that I’m bipolar.  I figured that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I wanted to practice telling others that I have this mental disorder (aka, my boyfriend).  The reaction I got was that the whole room went dead silent.  That was kind of discouraging at first, but people were supportive.  My professor even suggested that I keep a picture journal of my experiences of being bipolar (well, schizoaffective).  I think I might do that and start some sort of photo journal and let that come to life for me.  It’d be kind of fun, actually.

Speaking of journal, I bought a new one today.  It has no lines in it, so I plan on writing stuff in there and keeping a record of the days I find important, information that I think is neat like astrology or herbal remedies, and pictures that mean the world to me.  It’s not exactly a journal, but it’s not exactly a book of shadows either.  I guess it’s my spin on keeping a journal.

But yeah, that’s all I can say today.  I think it’s because I’m getting much more manageable with these symptoms, and I like where I’m at right now.  Except for my anti-anxiety med.  That one makes me tired.