A New Passion for Life.

So, I can’t keep my hands still.  Why is that?  I have been writing like crazy.  I am not manic.  I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…

But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…

I’m happy.  I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall.  I’m so….

Happy.

Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

I Now Hate My Job + More Ramblings

I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama.  I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.”  Whatever.  I just hate this guy.  Let’s call him A.  A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor.  He also talks with an 18-year-old.  And they’re friends.  Which is odd.  But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this….  “job,” if you could call it that.

My blood sugar is high again.  I hate having diabetes.  I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything.  I want to starve and puke and stuff like that.  I’m still in a dark place right now.  I don’t wanna eat.  I just want to lose weight.

I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder.  That way, they know how to handle me.

Seriously….

Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.

The Nurse Lied to Me + More.

How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?

I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me…  She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart.  She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that.  Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.

In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A.  I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up.  We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised.  Still, I really wish that I could talk to A.  Haha….

He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen.  Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours.  Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!

 

I am borderline psychotic.

I can feel myself trying to slip, but the abilify is making it to where I can’t slip.  I’m not hallucinating anymore, and I do think it was a withdrawal symptom.  I was hearing things and now I’m not.  I’m not seeing things.  I’m taking painkillers to keep the headache away because it’s too unbearable without the meds.

I’ve been relaxing and thinking.  I think I’m going to write my boyfriend a lengthy letter telling him how much he means to me.  I sometimes forget that he said that he’d be with me, no matter how mentally unstable I’d end up.  He’s very supportive and he has a big heart, and that’s why I fell for him.

Anyways, I’m at a place to where I want to do something nice and loving for people.  I think it’s the best time and I’ve reached a nirvana of some sort.  Maybe it’s the borderline psychotic thing I’m having, but I feel more peaceful.  I feel at ease after what happened this morning.  I love this feeling.  I love it to bits.