A New Passion for Life.

So, I can’t keep my hands still.  Why is that?  I have been writing like crazy.  I am not manic.  I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…

But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…

I’m happy.  I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall.  I’m so….

Happy.

Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

The Nurse Lied to Me + More.

How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?

I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me…  She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart.  She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that.  Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.

In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A.  I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up.  We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised.  Still, I really wish that I could talk to A.  Haha….

He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen.  Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours.  Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.

Thoughts of a healing Schizoaffective – Hallucinations

So I was reading Schizo Serenity’s post and she was discussing how her medicine may take away one of her hallucinations and she would miss him if he went away.  It made me think of something that I’m going through.

I’ve been on 15 mgs of Abilify for about 3 weeks right now, and it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Thayer.  Actually, the only things I hear are sound effect noises, and I hate to say it, but it’s lonely without Thayer.

I miss him teasing me about me and my boyfriend.  I miss him saying inappropriate things and making me laugh.  He was like the big brother I’ve never had, and now I can’t hear him.  So, I’m not going to lie, it stinks.  He really did help me out when I was hallucinating, and to lose him is kind of like losing a great friend.  Scratch that:

He was a great friend.

He knew me better than I knew myself.  So yeah, the point is, if I want to become better, I will have to accept the fact that he’s gone and I can’t hear him anymore.  I can only draw him if I want to see him.  He’s not real anymore.  He’s just a character.

And that is what hurts the most.