I talked about Dani, and she was this hallucination that told me not to eat. She called me fat and ugly just for eating, and I hated it. She made me afraid of calories to the point where I’d cry at meal times, especially at school. I heard a voice telling me not to eat, but she was different. It wasn’t Dani at all.
I had this dream — or maybe it was something to where I thought it was a dream and she was talking to me — that a new, blonde, tall girl had walked into my life. Her name is Anna. She is popular, and her zodiac sign is a Leo. I believe the voice belongs to her.
I was getting ready to prepare my breakfast, and I hear this girl saying, “Don’t eat.” When I asked her why, she said that I’ll burn more calories doing so. She also told me to drink water so that I don’t feel hungry. I know this is bad, but I’m not alone anymore. It’s a relief to me that someone is talking to me. I don’t like the message that she’s sending me, but hey, it’s something.
I just don’t know how to tell someone this. I want to tell my psychiatrist, but he’s going to think I’m more insane. So, I don’t wanna talk to him. If I tell my therapist, she’s going to drill me with questions.
So… I’m stuck.
I’m serious, ever since I talked about Dani, I am obsessed with losing weight. I weighed myself 4 times within 24 hours and I’m not eating normally. I’m lying my way out of eating all that much, and part of me hates it. Part of me really hates it, but part of me feels so alive.
I’m more determined to eat about no more than 600 calories, which suddenly seems like a lot. I’m just kind of happily fed up with myself, but I think I should talk about these behaviors with my therapist when I see her again. Or maybe I’ll keep this a secret. It’s not interfering with my life, which is something a disorder is supposed to do, so I think I’m golden. Since I’m obese, it’d look like normal weight loss.
But… I don’t know what to do. I know you guys will tell me to eat, but it’s hard when you don’t like eating or are actually afraid of calories. I don’t know what to do.
There’s one major hallucination that I forgot to mention entirely. Her name’s Danielle, but I call her Dani. The thing about her is that she has this alter ego that she calls Cyra. So, she also goes by Cyra. When she says Cyra, it means that she’s very provocative, and at that point, she tries to influence me to do the same. But anyways, let’s get to the description, which, unlike the others, she appears to be condensed down to the looks of a celebrity.
Short blonde hair, wide blue eyes, and she’s rather short. I can’t describe her that well, but I know of a celebrity that looks exactly like her: Lily Loveless.
It’s freaky how she resembles Dani, but that’s totally fine. What’s not fine is that she is the one that told me not to eat. She still tells me not to eat, but it’s because she gets a certain idea in my head that I can’t resist because of my impulse control issues, and I go along with it for a few days. Because of her, I’m becoming obsessed with my weight. I want to stop posting and weigh myself right now because of her.
She was the most vivid visual hallucination that I had. I swore, I could touch her, and she looked as real as a person you’d see on the street. I must say, though, she was mean/sarcastic, but she does have a conscience. That puts her right in the middle of Thayer and Tristan.
So, yeah, I’m going to stop talking about her, and it’s because I’m starting to want to act on weighing myself and stuff.