I decided to make another component to my blog for MHAW 2015.  I’m bored out of my mind, and I wanted to bust a lot of myths so that there’s no stigma related to schizophrenia in the presence of my blog.  So, let’s begin, shall we?

Myth 1: Schizophrenia = Multiple Personality Disorder/ Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Nope. Schizophrenia means “Split Mind.”  Yes, I know, now you think that it does equal MPD/DID for this reason. It does not.  Its literal meaning actually refers to the psychosis part of the illness. It’s a split from reality, and has nothing to do with MPD/DID.

Myth 2: Most people with schizophrenia are violent.

Once again, that is incorrect.  Those with schizophrenia are as violent as, say, someone with depression or bipolar disorder.  Not many of them are violent, and when they are, it’s usually because they’re afraid someone may hurt them (paranoid delusions, anyone?) so they may strike at them.  But, like I said, not many people with schizophrenia aren’t violent.

Myth 3: Schizophrenia is caused by bad parenting.

Oh, my gosh.  My mom was the best parent ever, and I still ended up with schizophrenia.  Anyways, it’s been proven that schizophrenia has a lot to do with genetics.  If I’m not mistaken, identical twins have a 60%-80% chance of having it if one of those twins has already got the illness.  So, it’s genetic, people. Genetic.

Myth  4: People with schizophrenia are stupid.

Did you have to phrase it like this?  No, not all people with schizophrenia have a lower IQ.  I have an IQ of 130, and I still have it.  Actually, mental illnesses have been linked with more intelligence.  That’s not at all saying that all people with schizophrenia have a higher IQ either.  I mean… It depends on nature and nurture.

Myth 5: You can’t hold a job if you’re schizophrenic.

Hello. Hi. Yes. I have a job.  In case you couldn’t tell, I have schizophrenia.  You just need to know that if you can manage and handle your symptoms with meds, therapy, and the like, you can do anything.  Just a friendly reminder.

These were pulled from WebMD, and if you want to read their responses, just click here.  Tomorrow, I think I’m going to talk about Bipolar Disorder or just Major Depressive Disorder.  Toodles.

Learning How to Cope & More.

I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse days as well.  I guess I need to learn how to cope with things in general.  I should cope with anxiety, but instead of just sitting here with my crocheting things (that’s how I cope with anxiety), I’m watching a Korean Drama.

I’m finding new ways to cope, and I have it down to these activities:

  • Journalling, which is something I do when I’m depressed or bored.
  • Watching Netflix (Apparently, it helps me keep my mind off of things)
  • Crocheting, which helps me work out my anxiety.

I also saw someone cook when they’re stressed, anxious, sad, or just happy.  I want to learn how to cook amazing recipes, so I may try some cooking in the future and see if that calms me down.

I think that I’m getting better.  I’ve just stumbled a little in the past days.  But you know what?  I want someone out there to read this blog and I want them to say that I showed them what recovery looks like.

As for the future of this blog, I will still talk about mental health.  I’ll talk about my experience and past a lot more to further myself in therapy.  I might talk about other disorders if people would like that.  I don’t mind.  I’ve known someone with bulimia; I’ve known others with DID.  I’ve known people that have more than one disorder.  I’m willing to talk about my experience with them, with their names changed of course.  (It’s going to be for educational purposes only, not a gossip thing going on.) Or maybe I’ll make this a personal blog as well and delete my other blog.  I’m not sure.  Time will tell.

That’s all I feel like writing today.  I’m just giving you guys a heads-up.

P.S. I am going to see my boyfriend today and throughout the whole weekend.  I’ve decided to tell him that I’m schizoaffective in May.  The reason why is because I brought it up to him in the past, and he said that no matter how mentally disorganized I am, he will still accept me and he cares.  I think he’s alright with it, but still, I’m gonna bring it up at a later date.

Twitter and other news.

I set up a twitter in case you guys want to contact me in another way, and I think I might make a facebook as well. You can find my twitter here, and I’ll post about life and stuff regularly.  It’s not all going to be about mental health. I may post about my boyfriend, or I might show my face.  I used to have a blog on here, whose username escapes me, and I know at least 1 person will recognize me.

I don’t mind that though.  It’s because I feel safe here and I trust you all with my secrets. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t tell you guys about my schizoaffective disorder, eating habits, and other things.

In other news, I am going out of town in 2 weeks.  I haven’t drastically hallucinated and I only heard 1 voice so far after getting switched off of the 3 mgs of risperidone to 1.5 mgs.  The abilify is working so good, and I’m glad I found a drug that does it all.  What does this have to do with going out of town?  I’m seeing my boyfriend, and usually, I hallucinate around him, especially when I leave him.  I want to see if the abilify has helped that.

I’m really excited about seeing my boyfriend though.  My heart skips beats just thinking about that.  I’ve decided to tell him about my schizoaffective disorder through the letter I wrote him.  I’m convinced he wouldn’t mind, but I also want to know how this changes our relationship.  Maybe it won’t.  I wouldn’t know.  I have to wait and see.

I don’t know what else to write about, so here’s what I’m thinking about doing: I’m thinking about taking questions about schizoaffective disorder.  Ask me about my moods, thoughts, paranoid delusions (trust me, I’ve had some), hallucinations, etc. I have nothing to hide, and I want to do this so that people can learn schizophrenia and bipolar disorder isn’t all bad. That’s just how I am.

So, that’s about all I have for you guys today. Sorry, I’m not all that exciting right now.  The worst is over, and I’m so relieved that it is.

Networking?

I’m thinking about making a twitter dedicated to mental health as well, and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in a schizoaffective person tweeting and talking about how my life is and stuff.  I mean, it all depends if people would like to follow me.

Edit:

Maybe I would go and expand on facebook as well.  I could create an account and I could raise awareness of schizoaffective disorder that way.  I already have a wattpad account that I plan to utilize for the sake of schizoaffective.  I’m just in the mood to let people know that this exists.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Abilify – 2 Weeks After Starting

So, it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve started taking Abilify, and I must say that this medication is powerful for me.  I am more outgoing — according to the Myers-Briggs Personalities, I went from an INFJ to an ENFJ.  That means I’m naturally more outgoing than I previously was.  (Oh, and before I forget, ENFJ personalities are, how you say, controlling.)

I switched back to Christianity and realized that Wicca was an impulsive thing to go after, and the religion should not be taken lightly.  I am happy to say that I’m a Christian again, and I felt more compelled to talk to others in church, therefore making me feel like I belong in there.

I am pretty sure that Abilify is making my sleep more regular than before.  I can’t sleep over 10 hours, so that’s handy.  I can also sleep deeper and can sleep with dreams right now.  Like, the last time I dreamed was… what, months ago…?  Now I’m having a dream every night, and it’s so good.  They’re mostly positive dreams as well.

I do not feel empty anymore.  I feel fabulous and happy.  I have had a couple of times where I was sad, and I think those mood swings had to do with some other biological things (hint, hint).  I still feel emotions rather deeply, and it stinks.  Maybe it could be fixed with a higher dose, but I’m not sure.

The Risperidal’s effect is fading off, and that means that some hallucinations are coming back: the commenting voice, the sound I hear when I’m in the shower…  Those are the only things I seem to be hearing now.  I think the Abilify is making up for what the Risperidal isn’t doing.

So, at this point in life, I have schizoaffective disorder, and my symptoms are under control for the most part.  I think that this is alright for the meantime.  My appointment is tomorrow, and I think that he may bump up the Abilify while decrease my Risperidal.  Here comes the scariest part of transitioning meds.  I have to prepare myself…

“Cutting is about control.”

When I first heard this come out of my teacher’s mouth, the first thought I had was “what is this guy talking about?  It’s not about control!  It’s about coping with the situation that is triggering you!”  Then I thought about myself.

When something doesn’t seem to go my way, I think of cutting as a way to cope.  Then again, I remember the second time I self-harmed.  What scared me is that it was all about control.  I wanted to have something controlled in my life.  What was worse?  I flaunted the cuts on my wrist around and found I could control the amount of attention I brought onto myself.  That was all about manipulation, and I had fun doing that.

I’ve come to realize that I do have a problem with control.  I have to have control of the situation.  I have to have control to some extent over my friend(s) (if I had any) so that they won’t turn their backs on me.  I have to have control when I talk to someone.  I have to have control when I’m in therapy.  I always, always have to have control.  And now, with my professor bringing this sentence up, I’m pretty sure that cutting for me is subconsciously about control.

I admit, I am a control freak, but I don’t know how to stop controlling things.  I don’t know. I mean, my therapist even said it sounds like I have to be in control.  Part of it may stem from my anxiety and being hurt in the past, but I need to find out how to let it go.  I would like to talk about it in therapy, but I know I’d shut down.  It’s a hard topic for me to talk to someone about.  Maybe I can talk to my boyfriend about it, and I don’t think he’d mind me saying something like that.   Though, I don’t know how he’d react.  Maybe it would be a good reaction, as in a “let me help you” kind of way or if he would say, “no, you’re totally fine and you’re not controlling at all.”

Or maybe you guys can help me on this.  I know it’s kind of weird to ask you guys, but I need someone who struggles with this as well.  Perhaps we can keep tabs on each other through social media (I can set up a secret account on Facebook and maybe we can chat on there) or some other means like email.  Regardless, I really do need some help.