So, I can’t keep my hands still. Why is that? I have been writing like crazy. I am not manic. I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…
But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…
I’m happy. I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall. I’m so….
So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
Alright, so 2 days ago, I was sad. Yesterday, I was nervous and tensed up in public. This morning, I was anxious, and now, I feel fine. This is something that is really new and I’ve noticed that they’re a little more severe than what I’m used to. I still feel empty, but it wasn’t as bad as a couple of days ago.
This is totally not bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is about mania and depression… It’s not about anxiety or emptiness. It’s not about being unable to make up your mind and being extremely impulsive, even when your meds are working efficiently. It’s scaring me.
So, if this isn’t bipolar disorder, then what is it?