I Now Hate My Job + More Ramblings

I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama.  I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.”  Whatever.  I just hate this guy.  Let’s call him A.  A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor.  He also talks with an 18-year-old.  And they’re friends.  Which is odd.  But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this….  “job,” if you could call it that.

My blood sugar is high again.  I hate having diabetes.  I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything.  I want to starve and puke and stuff like that.  I’m still in a dark place right now.  I don’t wanna eat.  I just want to lose weight.

I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder.  That way, they know how to handle me.

Seriously….

Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.

Anxiety and Sharing with the Class.

I have been going through a lot of anxiety lately.  Anxiety about my weight, midterm exams, eating, fighting between family members, the death…  And quite frankly, I’ve been having panic attacks.  Thank goodness I was able to disguise them (I am really good at hiding negative emotions; “bottling them up,” as you may like to call them).  So, these panic attacks happen for about 15 minutes or longer, and I told my therapist about it.  She thinks that if I find hobbies to help me manage this anxiety, then we may have a solution: healthy coping 101.  I don’t doubt that, but I can’t help but wonder if it runs deeper than that.

Anyways, I was lost and I didn’t know what to do for a project to do in my photography class, and I decided to do something that showcases my bipolar disorder.  I kid you not, I decided to tell others that I’m bipolar.  I figured that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I wanted to practice telling others that I have this mental disorder (aka, my boyfriend).  The reaction I got was that the whole room went dead silent.  That was kind of discouraging at first, but people were supportive.  My professor even suggested that I keep a picture journal of my experiences of being bipolar (well, schizoaffective).  I think I might do that and start some sort of photo journal and let that come to life for me.  It’d be kind of fun, actually.

Speaking of journal, I bought a new one today.  It has no lines in it, so I plan on writing stuff in there and keeping a record of the days I find important, information that I think is neat like astrology or herbal remedies, and pictures that mean the world to me.  It’s not exactly a journal, but it’s not exactly a book of shadows either.  I guess it’s my spin on keeping a journal.

But yeah, that’s all I can say today.  I think it’s because I’m getting much more manageable with these symptoms, and I like where I’m at right now.  Except for my anti-anxiety med.  That one makes me tired.