Am I Controlling?

Hey, so I had therapy today, and I must say, the session got really intense.  I didn’t like it, but I guess there was something that needed to be said.  I really don’t trust people and I’m one of the most independent people I know.  My therapist said I was filled with pride and that it was admirable.

However, she tried to get to the root of why I didn’t trust people, and I didn’t want to tell her.  I just didn’t see the need to.  She also said that I seemed to need to have a control of some situations, and it bothered me.

I mean, me?  Controlling?  I’m not controlling.  I’m anxious, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m all of that controlling.  I just don’t like being put in situations, so I avoid them at the most.  I don’t open up to people because “I am afraid of being let down.”  No, I’m afraid of them being the kind of person that gossips about me.  So, I avoid talking to people.

She also said that I am experiencing an increased amount of depression right now.  She made me promise that I would do something loving to myself tonight, and I don’t know what to do.  After today’s therapy session, I feel like more of a monster than anything.  I don’t know how to love myself.  I don’t even know if I should be loved, and that’s why I don’t know if I should have a boyfriend right now.  Or ever, to be honest.

But yeah, I feel beyond crappy right now.  I feel like today’s session really did set me off in ways that it shouldn’t have.

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2 thoughts on “Am I Controlling?

  1. I struggle hugely with questions about control. I don’t see myself as controlling either but my therapist has pointed out an apparent desire to control on a number of occasions and I even accuse myself of it sometimes. I absolutely hate the thought part of me might want to control her – but the fact I hate that thought so much, is probably meaningful in itself…not sure in what way it’s meaningful though! I have a feeling it will take a whole to get to the bottom of….therapy can be so tough and so challenging….take care!

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    • Yeah, that’s what I feel like. I have to dig through a bunch of stuff in order to find out why I feel like I need to control. It can be really hard, but I know you can do it! I can do it too. Let’s get through this together, shall we?

      Liked by 1 person

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