Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

I Now Hate My Job + More Ramblings

I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama.  I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.”  Whatever.  I just hate this guy.  Let’s call him A.  A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor.  He also talks with an 18-year-old.  And they’re friends.  Which is odd.  But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this….  “job,” if you could call it that.

My blood sugar is high again.  I hate having diabetes.  I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything.  I want to starve and puke and stuff like that.  I’m still in a dark place right now.  I don’t wanna eat.  I just want to lose weight.

I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder.  That way, they know how to handle me.

Seriously….

Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.

The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

I Restrict By Accident.

Yes, I know what you’re saying.  You might think that it’s impossible.  It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt.  That was eaten at 9:30 this morning.  I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied.  So, I feel like I restrict.

The sad part is that I like to do that.  I like to forget and I love to have salads.  All the time.  Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee.  Sometimes, with tea.  But that’s something I love to do…

Is that bad?

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Another Theory.

Alright, so here’s what I know about bipolar disorder: it can be accompanied with ADD/ADHD. So, I looked at the symptoms out of curiosity, and I’ve noticed I do have a lot more traits with ADHD than I thought. It is also possible for me to have ADHD. My sibling has it as well, so it could be hereditary…

I don’t know. This may be a reason why I’m having mood swings, zoning out easily, etc. If so, it sucks. But we’ll see what happens to me then.

Famous YouTuber Raises Money

Normally, I wouldn’t post anything like this, but a famous YouTuber, Markiplier, does these fundraisers. He plays for charities, and what really caught my attention is that he is fundraising for research on depression and bipolar disorder. When I heard this, a huge grin grew on my face.

You can check him out on Twitch.tv this Saturday, and if you tune in, even for a couple of minutes, I’m sure there will be some money that donates. I’m spreading word about this because there needs to be more research done on these 2 disorders. Also, check out his latest video. He really does get the struggle that those with mental illnesses go through. But yeah, just wanted to let everyone know.

My family depresses me.

My family isn’t really such a family to me.  They bully me at times, and they ignore me at other times.  Take last Wednesday for example.

Even though I’m Native American, my genetics played out to where I look like I’m of Asian decent.  I admit, I do look like I am Asian, but my family pointed it out and kept pointing it out.  It lowered my self-esteem, made me feel really conscious of myself.  This hasn’t been the first time that they’ve teased me.  My mother called me fat on multiple occasions.  Even when I was little.

I told her that I wanted to be an ice skater, and she said I would break the ice and that I’d better lose weight.  She made me see a therapist about my weight when I was only 6. She put me in a weight loss class for obese children when I was 7 or 8.  And all I keep hearing in my mind is that I’m huge, I’m fat, and I’ll always be fat.  So all of the bullying from my mom really scarred me.  Don’t forget that my words aren’t important.  She ignores me the most, and I wait like an idiot in hopes she’ll listen to me.

My sibling has Aspergers.  He is unmedicated, and he’s taken some anger out on me.  He’s told me he hates me on multiple occasions.  He flat out ignores me and would rather play video games than talk to me.  All I really want is a brother, but my brother is only one by blood.

My aunt is very judgmental.  She finds race to be a determining factor in dating.  She also doesn’t like LGBT people.  I happen to be LGBT.  She doesn’t know it, but I am genderfluid and I’m bisexual. (In case you didn’t know, my sexuality changed; I was asexual because I was depressed.)  I had on a sports bra and my hair was cut short because I like my hair short.  It was a day where I felt like a guy, so I was just expressing myself.  She said I looked like a lesbian who was trying to be a guy.  And that hurt me so much.  I almost cried in front of her.  What’s worse?  My grandmother defended her.  I felt like I was alone and no one accepted me.

I’m just tired of my family.  I’m so depressed here. I want to just get a job and save up for an apartment so my boyfriend could live with me.  He’d never hurt me like they do.  At least I know he’d care for me a lot more than these “family members.”  I’m just done with them.

Empty threats and more.

I feel like I’m such a monster.  I had a twitter… Emphasis on had.  It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel.  Always.  So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today.  And you know, they ignored me.  So, I got mad…  And they ignored me.  So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying.  They couldn’t have replied fast enough.

They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts.  I feel like they deserve that.  They won’t text me, though.  I’m sure of that.  They’re too fucking busy talking to each other.  Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend.  I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.

So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost.  I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut.  But I have to hold in my emotions.

My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now.  She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there.  I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization.  It’d scare me and cause me anxiety.  I just don’t know.  Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.

I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it.  Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty.  No one else has…

Adjustments.

So I’m back with an update from my appointment earlier today. I am not sure if my diagnosis switched to schizoaffective disorder, but the doctor did know that I suffered from hallucinations and depression.  That may leave him with enough to diagnose me with schizoaffective, but I’m not sure if he would do it on the first day we met.

Unlike the nurse I saw, this doctor was very nice and professional.  He asked me more about my past and what I experienced in detail.  He decided to do something with my medication, which was unexpected in the way he approached it.

My risperidal is giving me a larger chest and causing me to be unable to lose weight, and it’s not helping my depression. So, my instructions are to start a new prescription, which is supposed to help me get a better grip on my depression.  It’s Abilify. It’s also a mood stabilizer, and it has less health risks, so no more twitching, bigger boobs, or weight gain. The trick with this is that I have to take Abilify with the Risperidal.  If, for some reason, it doesn’t work, I wouldn’t be left with nasty hallucinations.  If it does work, I’m going to decrease my Risperidal until it’s no more.  Then I can work on adjusting the Abilify.

Since insurance can be a bitch when it comes to approving this drug, I was given some samples.  I have to see him 2 weeks from now to see if my depression stays the same or improves. If it works, he’ll tell the insurance it works and that I’m on it, and that way, they can’t fight it.

Abilify will be the 3rd mood stabilizer that I’d been placed on within a year, and I’m kind of happy that I’m trying something different.  I feel more optimistic about this stabilizer than anyone I’ve been on, really. Of course, I’m scared the hallucinations will come back, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.  I’m tired of not being normal, you know? I want to be able to have a stable relationship with someone, and I want to genuinely smile.  I want to be able to get rid of my negative thoughts. I want to be able to do things that I can’t do. I just want to be normal already.

So, I hope Abilify does that for me.  And if it doesn’t then I have to try something else.