But I don’t care…. I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion. I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist. I’m going to become a Mormon. I’m going to live my life. No one is going to hold me back.
Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Seriously….
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
Yes, I know what you’re saying. You might think that it’s impossible. It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt. That was eaten at 9:30 this morning. I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied. So, I feel like I restrict.
The sad part is that I like to do that. I like to forget and I love to have salads. All the time. Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee. Sometimes, with tea. But that’s something I love to do…
Is that bad?
At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids. I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer. This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then. I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7. It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.
I used to self harm at the age of 10. I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right. I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class. I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.
When I was 15, it was a rough time. I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting. She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder. So I did. I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011. I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction. I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.
At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t. This was when I started having a mixed episode. It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things. That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.
I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand. I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent. I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer. In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack. So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…
So, I went and I got help. I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences. He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone. It was the first anti-psychotic I was on. It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.
A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream. I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing. It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time. I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…
Well, kind of. I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright. As long as I’m not driving. Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time. Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.
Alright, so here’s what I know about bipolar disorder: it can be accompanied with ADD/ADHD. So, I looked at the symptoms out of curiosity, and I’ve noticed I do have a lot more traits with ADHD than I thought. It is also possible for me to have ADHD. My sibling has it as well, so it could be hereditary…
I don’t know. This may be a reason why I’m having mood swings, zoning out easily, etc. If so, it sucks. But we’ll see what happens to me then.
Normally, I wouldn’t post anything like this, but a famous YouTuber, Markiplier, does these fundraisers. He plays for charities, and what really caught my attention is that he is fundraising for research on depression and bipolar disorder. When I heard this, a huge grin grew on my face.
You can check him out on Twitch.tv this Saturday, and if you tune in, even for a couple of minutes, I’m sure there will be some money that donates. I’m spreading word about this because there needs to be more research done on these 2 disorders. Also, check out his latest video. He really does get the struggle that those with mental illnesses go through. But yeah, just wanted to let everyone know.
