Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

I Now Hate My Job + More Ramblings

I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama.  I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.”  Whatever.  I just hate this guy.  Let’s call him A.  A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor.  He also talks with an 18-year-old.  And they’re friends.  Which is odd.  But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this….  “job,” if you could call it that.

My blood sugar is high again.  I hate having diabetes.  I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything.  I want to starve and puke and stuff like that.  I’m still in a dark place right now.  I don’t wanna eat.  I just want to lose weight.

I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder.  That way, they know how to handle me.

Seriously….

Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.

The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

The Nurse Lied to Me + More.

How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?

I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me…  She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart.  She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that.  Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.

In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A.  I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up.  We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised.  Still, I really wish that I could talk to A.  Haha….

He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen.  Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours.  Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!

 

I want to not exist anymore.

My mom went back on her word and got one of her pharmacist friends to back her up. She even wanted to talk about cutting my risperidone.  Oh, and by the way, she’s concerned about my depression and anxiety and ignores my mania. I’m just so done with her.

Maybe I’ll attempt suicide. You know, not fully commit suicide, but attempt it so that she’ll see that I need lithium. This whole thing is breaking my heart in so many ways… That would be ideal, but I’m not going to do it.

I’m just going to give her the silent treatment until I pick up my lithium and take it, like the fucking grown adult I am. And if not, then I’ll try the depakote again. This time, I’d be well equipped to deal with the anxiety.

I don’t fucking care, I want to be normal.

Work is Depressing Me.

I want to quit working.  I was doing so good, but as always, someone had to go and ruin the experience for me.  She’s a bully, and she treats me different than anyone else.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m one of those people that are an “Obvious Christian” — you know, I don’t normally swear, drink, smoke… That kind of thing — or if it’s because I act proper.  (Let’s just say that the place I work involves people being illiterate and such.)

She yelled at me and treated me with disrespect.  I don’t know why, but she did.  It affected me yesterday (You know, my mood changes rapidly) and today.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to go to school.  I didn’t want to live, really.  With my sibling and my mother arguing, that made me feel a lot worse than when I did.  I want to cry so bad, but where do you go and cry when you have to listen to important lectures…?

I think I want to search for another job.  I don’t like working fast food anyways.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s too stressful, and I almost had panic attacks at times.  I need something slower and more routine-oriented than fast food.  I’ve only had this job for a month, and I need to move on.

Update as of April 18th 2015

I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t care as much.

I’m pissed with my “friends,” so I blocked them on social media.  I haven’t talked to them since God knows how long.  I’m thinking about writing poetry about them, because after all, so many people love my poetry when it involves personal pain.  I’ve been thinking about smoking and have had dreams about it, even though I haven’t picked a cigarette up to smoke it.

The only reason I’ve attended church is to socialize.  That’s where I can find my real friends and my boyfriend.  It stinks, but I’ve lost my connection with God.  You know, I don’t mean a hallucination telling me what to do.  I mean, I’ve lost my spiritual connection, and because of that, I’m tempted to go back to paganism and into a Buddhist philosophy.  People at church wouldn’t know the difference anyways.

I feel like the only person that isn’t against me in this world is my boyfriend.  He’s really supportive, and he’s pretty nice.  I fall in love with him more and more every single day.  I’m just scared of losing him.  If I lose him, then I have no reason to live, and then I’ll be suicidal and may attempt or succeed in my attempt.

The resperidone decrease isn’t so bad so far.  It’s been about a week, and I haven’t had any headaches.  I’m taking .5 milligrams in the day, and .5 at night.  The only complaint I have about it is that I can’t tell if I’m hungry.  Yesterday, I went through the day with just a banana and a small serving of peaches, but up until after my shift at work, when I ate some fish.   But other than that, my moods have gotten better.  I know that sometimes, the meds take a while to work, but I feel like it’s working already.

I feel no motivation for school.  I hate it and its environment all of the sudden.  All I feel is loneliness, and that’s all I think I can feel there.  I just don’t like school.  My grades are slipping because of my mental health, and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know?  It’s my fault that I’m not turning in assignments, and it’s my fault that there’s no one that understands me.  I know that’s not true, but I believe them to be true.

That’s all I can write about.  Maybe I’ll just treat myself with some love today.  That’s all I can do, right?

Today’s appointment…

…Went better than I thought it would.  I saw my psychiatrist, and he was thrilled that I lost 6 pounds, have a job, and have no need to take insulin anymore.  He called them “major improvements.”

I told him about my symptoms of Saturday and how they involved anger, anxiety, and extreme suicidal thoughts.  He wants to switch up my decreased version of risperidone: one .5 tablet twice a day.   I can see it in his expression that he was curious about another diagnosis that I recently learned about in class.  I’m not going to say it because it’s possible that I don’t have it.  Still, I could tell that he is curious about it.

He wanted to relieve my symptoms, and he contemplated putting me on Lithium, which I’ve only heard a handful of times from a blogger’s URL and an Evanescence song.  He also considered putting me on an antidepressant, but the Abilify takes care of my depression as is.  It’d also make me gain lots of weight, and considering I just lost 6 pounds and I’m still overweight, that would be bad.

So, he stuck with risperidone instead, and he didn’t mind doing that.

At this point, I don’t care if he diagnoses me with anything else.  I don’t care, and it’s because I’m just myself.  If seeing things and having radical mood swings is me, then I’m not going to change myself or wish that I was someone else because of it.  I was made this way, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.