Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!


A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Just a little note.

I’ve decided to talk about my hallucinations a little more. The reason is because I might have to deal with them more since my risperidal is cut in half. I figure that I won’t be terrified of them if I talk about them, especially Tristan and Danielle.

It seems sudden, but I think I’m going to describe them and talk about their personalities and such. It’s still odd how the characters I created are now hallucinations, but you know what?  That’s totally fine. At least I know them for the most part.

A Support Group.

No, we don’t have a name.  We are not DBT or CBT-based.  We are just teenagers and a couple of young adults that have mental disorders, and believe it or not, we met in a church setting.  We have a lot of diagnoses in the bunch, ranging from ADHD to Bipolar Disorder (which is common in the group) to DID/Multiple Personality Disorder.

Sometimes at a meal, we sit down, catch up with each other, and talk about the tough parts of having a certain disorder.  I feel like it’s a good thing that we joke around and that we have fun.  We go and we have so many inside jokes.

It’s a really good thing that we have each other.  We were once called the outcasts at church gatherings because we didn’t know what to do or where to go; we didn’t know who would accept us for all of us.  It started about 3 years ago with my boyfriend and I.  We met, and we bonded with each other, and we became each other’s support.  In 2012, the group doubled to 4, and that’s when we had someone with depression come in.  We also had someone with multiple personalities join our group, and that’s when we accepted all of them.  It was also the first time we talked about mental illness, and we found out it was a rather comfortable subject.

In 2013, I met a girl who was diagnosed with depression as well, and she was one of the most amazing people I’d ever met.  She’s like a daughter to me, and there’s an ongoing joke that she is my daughter.  I don’t mind it though.

Then, last year, the group grew to more than double the people we had in 2012, so we have about 10, 11 people in the group now.  I’m proud to say that they’re my group and I can have nothing but joy when I’m with them.  But, yeah, just some positive vibes today.

I’m tired of being negative.

Leibster Award Time!

I’ve been meaning to do this, but I’ve been forgetting it.  Anywho, this is the second award that I’ve been nominated for, and this is making me feel special.  So, a big thank you to bipolarlifebalance for being so kind to nominate me. You’re awesome!


  1. What was the last lie you told?

I think the last lie I’ve told someone is that I’m happy when I’m really not.  It’s complicated.

2. Who is your favourite super hero?

Superhero! Oh my gosh.  I had to think about this one because there are 2 Marvel superheroes that come to mind: Iron Man and Spider-Man. I mean, come on, Peter Parker is a cutie pie, and Tony Stark has a sass level of 10,000.  But, if I had to pick one, I’d pick Iron Man because of the complexity of his character.

3. What was the first book to have a lasting impact on you?

I had to take a day or so to think about this question.  I was a bookworm when I was younger, and I’m trying to get back into reading, but it’s hard with college work piling on.  I do think it was one of 3 books: A Reader’s Digest book, a Magic Tree House book, or Twilight.  Now, the Reader’s Digest book was surprisingly my first book that I read.  I was deaf when I was a toddler, so I taught myself to read lips and words.  I remember sitting there watching how someone’s lips formed on a television and what the word was supposed to be.  So, I read at the age of 3 this huge Reader’s Digest book, and my grandmother freaked out because I read so flawlessly.

I used to be into these Magic Tree House books, and it gave me a sense of adventure.  When I was 3, I would read them and look forward to reading about Jack and Annie traveling to a jungle or on the Titanic.  It made my love of reading grow and that was when I was at the height of my reading binges.

Twilight.  The dreaded Twilight Series.  That was the first book that I read that had vampires in it.  Ever since then, I read a lot of books about vampires, and I love the aesthetic of these vampires.  There’s usually a flaw within them, but I like said flaws, even if a Cullen does sparkle in the sun.  This series is important because it sparked the love of the alternative mindset and the alternative lifestyle onto me.  It’s weird, really.

4. What do you see when you look out your bedroom window?

I see a neighbor’s house, a stop sign, an intersection…. And a whole lot of snow.  I’m in the New England part of the US and we’ve been dealing with cold weather and a lot of snow, so that explains it.

5. What was your goal in creating your blog?

I once saw Jackie, a YouTuber I’m subscribed to, and she basically said that more people with schizoaffective disorder need to speak their mind and raise awareness for the illness.  In January, I was told that I might be schizoaffective, and that was when I was like “I need to raise awareness about this illness.”  So, my goal for this blog is to show that a.) Schizoaffective people aren’t that different from others and b.) to connect with others that may have this disorder so that I could have a support group of some kind.

6. What has surprised you most about having your blog?

I expected to have a couple of blogs following me, but now I have 39 wonderful followers looking forward to my post.  All of them deal with some sort of mental illness, and they’ve helped comfort me when I wasn’t at my best. (Still not at my best, but you know what I mean.)  I didn’t expect all of this support from you guys, to be honest.  It warms my heart.

7. Do you have a best friend? What’s their name?

I do have a best friend.  He’s my boyfriend.  I’d rather not post his real name on here for privacy’s sake, so we can call him… James.  Look at me, being creative and using his common middle name.  I’m such a rebel.

8. Who is your Hollywood crush?

Alright, let’s get this straight.  If you told me British or Korean crush, I wouldn’t hesitate on it, but since it’s American, I am stumped.  I think I’d have to go with Jennifer Lawrence.  She’s really pretty and I love her personality.  Ooh, or Katy Perry.  Those 2 are my favorite, to be honest.

9. If you could choose to be famous OR successful…which would you choose?

I would like to be famous.  The reason is because people would look up to me, and I’d be able to try making a difference in the world.  I’d like to help make people’s day and to talk to them and stuff.  I don’t know, it just sounds like it would be more fun.

10. How do you feel about answering questions like these?

I feel pretty okay with it, but I wouldn’t like to do it too often.  It can get boring, you know…?

I Nominate…



Lazarus and Lithium

I know, I know, I’m supposed to nominate 5 people, but I usually pick 3-5 people that I find interesting and want to know more about.

My Questions

  1. What’s the one song you can’t live without?
  2. Do you have a bad habit? If so, name it.
  3. If you were a color, which hue would you be?
  4. If you could bring a fictional character to life, which one would you pick?
  5. Can you live without technology?
  6. What’s your dream guy/girl/significant other like?
  7. What’s the worst food you’ve had? Describe its taste.
  8. What’s your main hobby?
  9. Do you have any of the stereotypes associated with your zodiac sign?
  10. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal when you were younger?

Just as a note, follow my guideline.  Thank the person that nominated you and answer your questions.  Nominate 5-10 blogs that have less than 200 followers, and link them.  Write 10-11 questions for them to answer, and you’re done.

31 Days of Bipolar – 14 & 15

So, here’s today’s  installment. You know, the installment that is supposed to happen today. This one is all about the past and the future. I’m hoping I don’t get too emotional when it comes to this. Anywho, here’s number 14.

14. What would you say to your younger self if you could?

Oh, gosh, that would be the destroyed 15/16 year old me.  Man, I have to say, I was beyond manic and depressive at that point. I’d have a lot to say to 15/16 year old me.

I’d probably say that harming myself isn’t the answer and it could leave scars, and I’d know that when I was older.  I’d say that some friends aren’t worth the pain, to try and find someone that would love younger me for younger me.  I would tell my younger self to never let go of that scared-looking boy she’d (well at the time, she) see in the corner because that would be her best friend. I’d also say that boys are so not the answer when it comes to happiness, and that the simple things in life can be all you need. I’d say that she needs help and there’s no shame in getting some. I’d tell her to fight for herself – her views, her thoughts, her smiles and everything in between.

I’d tell my younger self that she should question herself and not to be afraid of being LGBT. It’s not as bad as she would think.  I’d tell her to explore religions and not to give in to what her family thinks.  I’d tell her that there’s a point in time where death would hit her again, and I’d tell her that it’s not her fault.  I’d tell her that she was born to be different. I’d hold her and tell her that it’s okay to be different and it’s alright if people don’t understand you because there’d be one person that would in the future.

Gosh, that was hard to type out.

15. What would you ask your future self if you could?

Oh, now here comes the interesting things.  I’m going to be assuming I ask 25/26 year-old me.  I’d ask future me if I married my boyfriend yet, seeing as though everyone is expecting me to marry him. (We’re very close, and it’s gotten to the point to where everyone statewide in a church congregation assumes we’re going to get married and have kids. Yeah, the pressure is real.) I’d also ask if they’d moved down to where he is.

I’d ask if they’d found any friends yet or if they found a job. I’d ask if they found any new coping techniques.  I’d ask if they had cut yet, and if the answer’s no, I’d give future me a fist bump. I’d like to know if future me had gotten any tattoos, and if so, what they were and where they were. I’d ask them if they got any new hobbies…

There’s a lot of things I’d love to ask future me. This post is not enough for me to type every single question I have for future me, so I’m going to end it right there.

This was entertaining, and this was something that kind of made me break out of my shell. I’m not doing this for a loooong time.

Versatile Blogger Nomination!


So, I was nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award! I don’t normally do things like this, but I figured I could do it. It was easy enough, so here I am.

So, I’m supposed to nominate like 15 people, but I don’t have many favorite blogs on here. Since one of the sweetest people on here handed me the challenge, it kind of limited me. I don’t follow a whole lot of people on here as is, so, I’m only nominating 2 people:

Blahpolar – I really love reading your comments by the way (I feel like you get me on so many levels)

And Lauren Hayley – Such a positive person to read about.

So, without further ado, I’m supposed to say 7 things about myself.

  1. I classify myself as genderfluid, switching between demigirl and demiboy.
  2. I have a habit of collecting odd-colored lipstick. I have orange, 2 shades of blue, black, silver, and gold so far. I want a lavender next.
  3. If I could go and get any college degree, it would be a bachelor’s degree in Theology. I love learning about religion.
  4. I once starved for 30 hours because I was participating in a fundraiser for Haiti.
  5. I was almost in a polyamorous relationship, but passed it up because I would’ve gotten jealous easily.
  6. If I could, I would get a couple of sleeve tattoos that says “every rose has its thorns.”
  7.  I know a lot about alternative fashions, from lolita to grunge. It’s pretty interesting, actually.

Things I Haven’t Talked About

Hey, so I thought I’d enter in a 3rd blog.  I’m pretty hypomanic since school started, and this is kind of good in my opinion. That way, I can get some writing done.  Anyways, I was reading about mental illness, and I thought that I’d share some things that I have noticed in the past, have gotten slightly better, but is still there.  I have no idea if it’s something else, but I am willing to document and see.

Fear of Abandonment

I am afraid that every person I know in life is going to abandon me at some point. When I found out I may be schizoaffective, I took it really hard. It’s because I pictured my boyfriend and my family just up and abandoning me. I still feel as though they’ll leave if it comes out, which is why I’m keeping this between me and my therapist as of right now.

Identity Disturbance

Half of the time, I question my sexuality.  Am I really an asexual person or am I bisexual? Perhaps I’m pansexual. All I know is that I’m something other than straight. Maybe I want to be a nurse. Nope. Now I want to be a psychology major. Maybe a human services major will suit me more.  The list goes on and on. I don’t know how to react to these thoughts, but I’m kind of wondering if it is something else.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Ever since I’ve gotten bumped up to 2 milligrams of Risperidal, I felt like myself… Except I found out quickly that myself involved some form of emptiness. Sometimes, I’ll laugh… Out of emptiness.  I’ll cry… And feel empty.  I’ll feel anxious… but empty. It’s weird.

Antisocial Behavior/Favorite person 1 minute, hate them the next?

Now, this is something.  I try to avoid people as much as possible.  When I do have to talk, I tend to enjoy it a lot.  Once you get me talking, it’s like you can’t make me stop. But, for the most part, I’ve limited contact to my immediate family and a couple of friends, 3 at the most. Even then, I don’t feel like engaging with them unless they engage with me. If they don’t engage with me, and then they go and talk to another person, I feel left out.  Then I say that I don’t need them and that they’re not worth my time.  It’s really hard to explain.

These are things that I’m noticing as well, but I’m not sure if these are crucial for my switch in diagnosis. Maybe someone else with schizoaffective disorder can relate to this.  If they can’t, then that may mean something for my diagnosis…