I hate my impulses.
They make me fat.
They make me regret things.

My impulses are like sins.
You want to stop doing it,
But it’s all you know and you keep going.

My impulses hurt me.
They tell me to bleed,
And they tell me to eat.

And I scream out
Where is my magic pill
that keeps me from being ill?

No one responds,
So I sit here with these damned impulses.

Since at first I didn’t succeed….

I’m trying, trying again.

My mom seriously doesn’t want me on lithium, and that’s alright with me. Why is it suddenly alright with me? I have a plan B up my sleeve, and it may make everything a lot better.  So here’s plan B:

I am alright with my manic episodes.  I’m spending money, but after a while, the buying thing loses its interest.  I’m not buying meaningless things either.  These are for the hobbies such as comic books, trading cards… So what I’m proposing to my psychiatrist is to be put on an antidepressant along with abilify.  Why is that?  Because I get suicidal at times.  I can handle my mania, I’d be able to handle my depression.  Happy mom, happy Kayden.  It’d all balance out in my mind.

Now, I think that would be alright.  I’d have to hear my psychiatrist out, but I think it’d be the best because my mom still believes in her little mind that I have depression and anxiety, and it’s not schizoaffective or bipolar disorder or whatever. Let’s play my mom’s game, and when I move in a couple of years, I will be able to finally try lithium, unless this plan goes better than I thought it will.  That’s always a possibility.  I have no issue with that.

Let’s just see what his thoughts are on this.

A Psychological Take on Frozen

Hey, so I was listening to the Frozen soundtrack today (I know, I’m a little kid inside) and I thought about the song “For the First Time in Forever.”  In case you haven’t heart it, you can find it here.

So, I realized that Anna, the ginger, younger sister, has something that reminds me of mania.  There’s this “Oh my gosh, the world is a great place and I get to do this, this, this this, and this” vibe from her.  She seems rather hyper, and her thoughts are all over the place. She has this delusion that the first guy she meets is going to be “the one.”

Elsa, on the other hand, is the depressive side of bipolar disorder.  “Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show.”  Sounds like someone masking their depression, doesn’t it?  Then she goes and says, “Make one wrong move and everyone will know.”  That makes someone think of the negative thinking that goes with the depression.

Then there’s this part where both females say the exact same thing, showing how depression and mania can have the same sentence structure, but have a different outlook.  When you’re manic, everything’s great (depending if you’re that hyper happy or agitated happy; I’m usually the hyper happy) and you just want to sing and dance and love everyone.  When you’re depressed, you dread things, and it’s hard to be positive.

So, yeah, this came to me while I was listening to the song, and that’s what it makes it more… Relatable.  I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I might do this with other songs.

I want to not exist anymore.

My mom went back on her word and got one of her pharmacist friends to back her up. She even wanted to talk about cutting my risperidone.  Oh, and by the way, she’s concerned about my depression and anxiety and ignores my mania. I’m just so done with her.

Maybe I’ll attempt suicide. You know, not fully commit suicide, but attempt it so that she’ll see that I need lithium. This whole thing is breaking my heart in so many ways… That would be ideal, but I’m not going to do it.

I’m just going to give her the silent treatment until I pick up my lithium and take it, like the fucking grown adult I am. And if not, then I’ll try the depakote again. This time, I’d be well equipped to deal with the anxiety.

I don’t fucking care, I want to be normal.

How Nice.

My moods have stabilized again, and it’s nice to have them back under control.  I know it’s not going to last quite a while, but hey, it’s something.

I’m going out with my family to eat, and where we’re going is supposed to be a really good place.  It’s a diner, and I’ve always wanted to eat at a diner.  Maybe I can take some mental notes about the experiences I’ll have there so I can incorporate it into a story.

My boyfriend was so caring to me yesterday.  I told him I was down, and he went out of his way (well through texting; it’s a long-distance relationship) to talk to me and to comfort me the best he could.  He ended up making me happy again, and I was able to be okay for the rest of the day.

I was borderline manic before I went to bed.  Some probably would call it “hypomanic.” (I don’t know if it’s bipolar disorder, so I am not going to label it definitely as such.)  I was in a good mood, and I felt like having a great time.

Today, though, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be agitated or anxious.  Maybe I’ll be suicidal again, or maybe I’ll be that extremely energetic girl I was after my finals were over.

See, the thing is, I have no problem with my schizophrenia right now… Except for an occasional whisper or such, but it’s well managed.  My bipolar disorder, however…  It’s seeming to be more severe. It’s not well managed since the decrease of the risperidone.  My anxiety is coming back, little by little, and my moods, they aren’t handled like they were when I was on the risperidone.  It scares me.

I need my psychiatrist to listen to me, and I want him to fix this.  Unfortunately, it’s about 5 days away that I see him, so I have to continue with this hell until he finds another alternative.

He seemed like he wanted to put me on Lithium, which I wouldn’t mind so I could sing Evanescence’s Lithium.  Ok, all joking aside, I really would like to try lithium.  If he’s going to take me off of the risperidone, he needs to put me on some other medicine that’s going to take care of everything.  But who am I to tell a doctor with lots of experience that I want to try something?  Then again, I have a right to tell him because it’s my body…

I don’t know.  It’s just a thought.  What are your thoughts on this? Let me know so that I can examine all possibilities.

Hahaha. This is going to be fun.

I have officially entered my manic phase, just in time for finals week.  How do I know this?  I can’t concentrate unless I write all of the fucking time, I randomly dance a lot, even when there is no music, I skipped a class to hang out with a friend (I was extremely talkative)…

This is all because my risperidone has been lowered.  I’m not as bad as I was, but that’s because the abilify is keeping me in check.

So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to write a lot.  I’m going to listen to music to slow down my mind, and I’m going to try not to eat a lot.  As weird as the last one sounds, I eat a lot during my manic phases and gain a lot of weight then.  It’s been happening since I was little, so I suppose that’s normal for me.

I love staying up at night, and when I write, I end up becoming so tired in the morning because I stay up.  I can function with little sleep, but then I yawn a lot and stuff.  It gets annoying, but you know.

Another weird thing: I tend to gravitate towards a lot of church activities when I’m manic.  I love church more than I normally do then.  It’s weird.  Maybe it’s because I can channel my energy into something productive for me.

AAAAND, I’m babbling on and on.
I’m going to shut up now.

World Bipolar Day!

Hey, so it’s been brought to my attention that it’s World Bipolar Day, and I think I’m going to do this questionnaire that I found on a follower’s site.  So, without further ado, here we go.

1. What does bipolar disorder mean to you?

Bipolar disorder means that you are a creative individual that has ups and downs that are more extreme than others.  That’s all it means to me, to be honest.

2. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder? 

It was one big blur of emotions.  I was boy-crazy, extremely high with the mania and extremely low with the depression.  There was a time where I was seriously contemplating suicide, but I obviously never did it. I had no support system, so I was basically on my own at that point.  I was a poor judge of character and situations.  I thought I could do anything or nothing; there was no in between.  That’s all I remember.

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?

I was 18 when I was diagnosed, but didn’t find out until near my 19th birthday. (Stupid nurse with his stupid brain.)

4. How do you manage your symptoms?

I try keeping a schedule now that I’ve learned that it’s a treatment to help bipolar disorder. It seems to be working, and I like keeping a schedule.  I also take abilify. It’s proven to not only help my psychotic symptoms, but it helps manage my ups and downs.

5. What is life like for you now?

Life is grand! I have the most amazing boyfriend that supports me and isn’t afraid of my illness (probably have stated this before, but he is also bipolar) and everything has settled down.  I can function without being boy-crazy.  I can think.  I can feel emotions and then let them go.  There’s so many things that are a positive to my life.

6. Has having bipolar disorder affected your friendships, personal life, or professional life?

Yes, it has, but it’s done that for the better.  I told my friends about it, and they’ve pulled me aside and said “I have that too.” We’ve bonded over having bipolar disorder, and we’ve confirmed that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s like going to the doctor for having a broken arm: there’s some wounds that need healing and you need some attention brought to that injury and you need to fix it.  It’s also affected my schoolwork, and that makes me work well under pressure.  When it was midterm week, I was manic.  I aced everything given at me, and it was a wonderful feeling.  It’s like I can “throw myself” into manic episodes and it can be handy.

7. How do you think society treats people with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder?

To put it in a blunt way, society treats those with mental disorders like crap. (I censored myself there, but you get the point.)  They expect us to lose our tempers rather quickly and they think we’ll throw things at people and can’t control our emotions.  It stinks.  I don’t like it, and I really don’t think other people like it.

8. Have you ever felt discriminated against or looked poorly on because of bipolar disorder?

Yes, I believe I do.  My mother refuses to believe that I have bipolar disorder because I don’t “act bipolar.”  I need a mood stabilizer (she’ll agree to that) but I “am not bipolar.”  I am kind of looked down upon and had to lie to various doctors because I can’t say the B-Word in front of my mom.

It’s a bummer, but I can manage.

9. Do you have any words of advice for people in the world suffering with bipolar disorder, or other mental illness?

I know this sounds cliche, but stay strong.  It’s hard. God knows I’ve been there, and I’ve self-harmed, I’ve hated myself, I’ve bashed myself… But I stayed strong.

Look at where I am today.  Everything is right with my world, and you know what?  You could be the same way in 5 years. You don’t know.  I have the scars to prove that I’ve struggled, but who doesn’t in this lifetime…?

Sweetie, things will be alright, so Stay Strong.

Update – March 27th 2015

It’s been a while, at least to me.  I’ve been doing good and I’ve seen to recover from that weight thing by myself.  I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of days, and I’m not as obsessive as it when I wanted to lose weight.  I want to lose it in a healthy way.

As for mental health things, I’m suddenly dealing with a lot of anxiety.  When my boyfriend said something about video chatting, I started shaking and couldn’t breathe.  I know this could be a side effect of Abilify, and I hope it could be treated with something more than a pill as needed (they make me tired and I can’t deal with it).

I’ve had no hallucinations so far, and that’s a great thing.  I also found out that I can adopt if my schizoaffective disorder is under control.  I would love to adopt a bouncing baby boy, and I have some names picked out for him.  I also might adopt a little girl as well, but I’ve got to be in check with my symptoms.

I’ve got my first job, and I’m really stoked about that.  I don’t think it’d be much stress, regardless of the fact that it’s fast food related.  I believe I’m going to be a cashier, and I’m totally fine with it.  I’m nervous because orientation is Monday.  I get to see who I’m working with, so that will be interesting.

But these are things that have been happening, and I’m happy where I am right now.  If you told me a year ago that things would be alright, I wouldn’t believe you.  But… I’m happy. Very happy.

Anxiety and Sharing with the Class.

I have been going through a lot of anxiety lately.  Anxiety about my weight, midterm exams, eating, fighting between family members, the death…  And quite frankly, I’ve been having panic attacks.  Thank goodness I was able to disguise them (I am really good at hiding negative emotions; “bottling them up,” as you may like to call them).  So, these panic attacks happen for about 15 minutes or longer, and I told my therapist about it.  She thinks that if I find hobbies to help me manage this anxiety, then we may have a solution: healthy coping 101.  I don’t doubt that, but I can’t help but wonder if it runs deeper than that.

Anyways, I was lost and I didn’t know what to do for a project to do in my photography class, and I decided to do something that showcases my bipolar disorder.  I kid you not, I decided to tell others that I’m bipolar.  I figured that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I wanted to practice telling others that I have this mental disorder (aka, my boyfriend).  The reaction I got was that the whole room went dead silent.  That was kind of discouraging at first, but people were supportive.  My professor even suggested that I keep a picture journal of my experiences of being bipolar (well, schizoaffective).  I think I might do that and start some sort of photo journal and let that come to life for me.  It’d be kind of fun, actually.

Speaking of journal, I bought a new one today.  It has no lines in it, so I plan on writing stuff in there and keeping a record of the days I find important, information that I think is neat like astrology or herbal remedies, and pictures that mean the world to me.  It’s not exactly a journal, but it’s not exactly a book of shadows either.  I guess it’s my spin on keeping a journal.

But yeah, that’s all I can say today.  I think it’s because I’m getting much more manageable with these symptoms, and I like where I’m at right now.  Except for my anti-anxiety med.  That one makes me tired.

Twitter and other news.

I set up a twitter in case you guys want to contact me in another way, and I think I might make a facebook as well. You can find my twitter here, and I’ll post about life and stuff regularly.  It’s not all going to be about mental health. I may post about my boyfriend, or I might show my face.  I used to have a blog on here, whose username escapes me, and I know at least 1 person will recognize me.

I don’t mind that though.  It’s because I feel safe here and I trust you all with my secrets. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t tell you guys about my schizoaffective disorder, eating habits, and other things.

In other news, I am going out of town in 2 weeks.  I haven’t drastically hallucinated and I only heard 1 voice so far after getting switched off of the 3 mgs of risperidone to 1.5 mgs.  The abilify is working so good, and I’m glad I found a drug that does it all.  What does this have to do with going out of town?  I’m seeing my boyfriend, and usually, I hallucinate around him, especially when I leave him.  I want to see if the abilify has helped that.

I’m really excited about seeing my boyfriend though.  My heart skips beats just thinking about that.  I’ve decided to tell him about my schizoaffective disorder through the letter I wrote him.  I’m convinced he wouldn’t mind, but I also want to know how this changes our relationship.  Maybe it won’t.  I wouldn’t know.  I have to wait and see.

I don’t know what else to write about, so here’s what I’m thinking about doing: I’m thinking about taking questions about schizoaffective disorder.  Ask me about my moods, thoughts, paranoid delusions (trust me, I’ve had some), hallucinations, etc. I have nothing to hide, and I want to do this so that people can learn schizophrenia and bipolar disorder isn’t all bad. That’s just how I am.

So, that’s about all I have for you guys today. Sorry, I’m not all that exciting right now.  The worst is over, and I’m so relieved that it is.