Finals.

They’re stressing me out and I’ve noticed that I’m starting to have some hallucinations again.  They’re faint whispers and peculiar odors,  but that’s all so far.  I think one of the voices I heard was Thayer, but I’m not sure as to what he was saying, other than he’s back.

He has a soft whisper, in case you couldn’t tell.  He’s the only hallucination I can deal with right now, and I’m terrified that Tristan is going to come back and say a lot of nasty things towards me.  I want to see my doctor.  I don’t know if it’s stress or if it’s because my medication is lowered.  Either way, I think I might need to schedule an appointment for me next week.  I’d hate to do it, but I need to do it.

I just don’t want a repeat of last summer, and I want to break down crying, but I’m in public.  I don’t know. It’s scaring me though.

Moods.

My moods are still up in the air.  I’m still angry sometimes, sad sometimes, and anxious at times.  They’re all caused by something.  I don’t know what’s happening, but I know that taking Risperidone in the morning as well as the evening is helping me.

I’m thinking about quitting my fast food job, and getting one in a store setting. The fast food industry isn’t for me, and it’s almost given me three panic attacks within a month’s time.  Between the bullying and the panic attacks, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.  It’s too stressful.

I’m going to see what a diet does for me, and I’m going to see if it helps improve my depressive state.  I heard that some foods can improve your overall well-being, so…

That’s about all. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m feeling really depressed today, and not wanting to go to work is causing it.

The Hospital

I love looking in the windows of a mental hospital in my small city.  I mean, the walls are brick, and the lighting appears to be terrible, but I still like to see the outlines of the people.

The building itself looks like a war zone to me, but it’s not.  It’s a place for healing, a place for being, if you will. The window sills are a bright red, the same red that matches the doors, and I feel really happy to look in there.

I’m not going to lie, I used to be scared of such a place, especially when I found out when I was schizophrenic.  I thought that it would be me, that I would go and wind up staying weeks on end in there.  Now, I find nothing but joy and wonder, and I want to go in there.  I want to see people that would help me a lot more.  They’re much better than my friends… Unless you count my boyfriend.  He’s the best.

Today, I saw 2 men looking right back at me as our cherry car zoomed by them.  They looked amused by the sight of me, and I, amused by the sight of them.  I wanted to know more about them: their names, their ages, if they had schizoaffective disorder like myself… I would love to know all about them.  Of course, maybe they’d hate me or something.  I would’ve loved to try regardless.

Is it bad to have such a longing to become one of the people within the walls of the asylum?  I don’t long for the problems they have….

I just want somewhere to belong.

Update as of April 18th 2015

I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t care as much.

I’m pissed with my “friends,” so I blocked them on social media.  I haven’t talked to them since God knows how long.  I’m thinking about writing poetry about them, because after all, so many people love my poetry when it involves personal pain.  I’ve been thinking about smoking and have had dreams about it, even though I haven’t picked a cigarette up to smoke it.

The only reason I’ve attended church is to socialize.  That’s where I can find my real friends and my boyfriend.  It stinks, but I’ve lost my connection with God.  You know, I don’t mean a hallucination telling me what to do.  I mean, I’ve lost my spiritual connection, and because of that, I’m tempted to go back to paganism and into a Buddhist philosophy.  People at church wouldn’t know the difference anyways.

I feel like the only person that isn’t against me in this world is my boyfriend.  He’s really supportive, and he’s pretty nice.  I fall in love with him more and more every single day.  I’m just scared of losing him.  If I lose him, then I have no reason to live, and then I’ll be suicidal and may attempt or succeed in my attempt.

The resperidone decrease isn’t so bad so far.  It’s been about a week, and I haven’t had any headaches.  I’m taking .5 milligrams in the day, and .5 at night.  The only complaint I have about it is that I can’t tell if I’m hungry.  Yesterday, I went through the day with just a banana and a small serving of peaches, but up until after my shift at work, when I ate some fish.   But other than that, my moods have gotten better.  I know that sometimes, the meds take a while to work, but I feel like it’s working already.

I feel no motivation for school.  I hate it and its environment all of the sudden.  All I feel is loneliness, and that’s all I think I can feel there.  I just don’t like school.  My grades are slipping because of my mental health, and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know?  It’s my fault that I’m not turning in assignments, and it’s my fault that there’s no one that understands me.  I know that’s not true, but I believe them to be true.

That’s all I can write about.  Maybe I’ll just treat myself with some love today.  That’s all I can do, right?

Today’s appointment…

…Went better than I thought it would.  I saw my psychiatrist, and he was thrilled that I lost 6 pounds, have a job, and have no need to take insulin anymore.  He called them “major improvements.”

I told him about my symptoms of Saturday and how they involved anger, anxiety, and extreme suicidal thoughts.  He wants to switch up my decreased version of risperidone: one .5 tablet twice a day.   I can see it in his expression that he was curious about another diagnosis that I recently learned about in class.  I’m not going to say it because it’s possible that I don’t have it.  Still, I could tell that he is curious about it.

He wanted to relieve my symptoms, and he contemplated putting me on Lithium, which I’ve only heard a handful of times from a blogger’s URL and an Evanescence song.  He also considered putting me on an antidepressant, but the Abilify takes care of my depression as is.  It’d also make me gain lots of weight, and considering I just lost 6 pounds and I’m still overweight, that would be bad.

So, he stuck with risperidone instead, and he didn’t mind doing that.

At this point, I don’t care if he diagnoses me with anything else.  I don’t care, and it’s because I’m just myself.  If seeing things and having radical mood swings is me, then I’m not going to change myself or wish that I was someone else because of it.  I was made this way, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.

Update – March 27th 2015

It’s been a while, at least to me.  I’ve been doing good and I’ve seen to recover from that weight thing by myself.  I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of days, and I’m not as obsessive as it when I wanted to lose weight.  I want to lose it in a healthy way.

As for mental health things, I’m suddenly dealing with a lot of anxiety.  When my boyfriend said something about video chatting, I started shaking and couldn’t breathe.  I know this could be a side effect of Abilify, and I hope it could be treated with something more than a pill as needed (they make me tired and I can’t deal with it).

I’ve had no hallucinations so far, and that’s a great thing.  I also found out that I can adopt if my schizoaffective disorder is under control.  I would love to adopt a bouncing baby boy, and I have some names picked out for him.  I also might adopt a little girl as well, but I’ve got to be in check with my symptoms.

I’ve got my first job, and I’m really stoked about that.  I don’t think it’d be much stress, regardless of the fact that it’s fast food related.  I believe I’m going to be a cashier, and I’m totally fine with it.  I’m nervous because orientation is Monday.  I get to see who I’m working with, so that will be interesting.

But these are things that have been happening, and I’m happy where I am right now.  If you told me a year ago that things would be alright, I wouldn’t believe you.  But… I’m happy. Very happy.

Thoughts of a healing Schizoaffective – Hallucinations

So I was reading Schizo Serenity’s post and she was discussing how her medicine may take away one of her hallucinations and she would miss him if he went away.  It made me think of something that I’m going through.

I’ve been on 15 mgs of Abilify for about 3 weeks right now, and it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Thayer.  Actually, the only things I hear are sound effect noises, and I hate to say it, but it’s lonely without Thayer.

I miss him teasing me about me and my boyfriend.  I miss him saying inappropriate things and making me laugh.  He was like the big brother I’ve never had, and now I can’t hear him.  So, I’m not going to lie, it stinks.  He really did help me out when I was hallucinating, and to lose him is kind of like losing a great friend.  Scratch that:

He was a great friend.

He knew me better than I knew myself.  So yeah, the point is, if I want to become better, I will have to accept the fact that he’s gone and I can’t hear him anymore.  I can only draw him if I want to see him.  He’s not real anymore.  He’s just a character.

And that is what hurts the most.