The Nurse Lied to Me + More.

How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?

I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me…  She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart.  She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that.  Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.

In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A.  I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up.  We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised.  Still, I really wish that I could talk to A.  Haha….

He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen.  Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours.  Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.

Schizoaffective and…?

What do you get when you have a person like me, a person like my boyfriend, and both of us have some degree of bipolar disorder? You get me, or the person like me, falling in love.

Now, I don’t know if it’s the Abilify talking, but in case you don’t follow my other blog, I am really, really, insanely in love. Everything is reminding me of him. I’ve been counting down the days, weeks, and hours until I see him again. I mean, he’s a really awesome person. He said he wouldn’t leave me, no matter how mentally messed up I become. My disorder matters to him, but it doesn’t define how he treats me. Let me tell you, it’s really nice to have someone say that. Not many people would stay and help me like this.

He is way less severe than I am when it comes to mental health. He needs only .5 mgs of Risperidal while I’m on 3 mgs and it’s not working. He only needs a psychiatrist to give him meds, and I need a therapist and a psychiatrist. He’s never hurt himself, and he’s never hallucinated. So… I’m worse than him, but he’s very sweet and loving. He understands. I’m blessed to have him in my life.

The point is, I don’t know what’s gonna happen here. I’ve got schizoaffective disorder, and I’m in love. That’s going to be one hell of a combination. But, as long as we have feelings for each other, things should be alright.

Am I Controlling?

Hey, so I had therapy today, and I must say, the session got really intense.  I didn’t like it, but I guess there was something that needed to be said.  I really don’t trust people and I’m one of the most independent people I know.  My therapist said I was filled with pride and that it was admirable.

However, she tried to get to the root of why I didn’t trust people, and I didn’t want to tell her.  I just didn’t see the need to.  She also said that I seemed to need to have a control of some situations, and it bothered me.

I mean, me?  Controlling?  I’m not controlling.  I’m anxious, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m all of that controlling.  I just don’t like being put in situations, so I avoid them at the most.  I don’t open up to people because “I am afraid of being let down.”  No, I’m afraid of them being the kind of person that gossips about me.  So, I avoid talking to people.

She also said that I am experiencing an increased amount of depression right now.  She made me promise that I would do something loving to myself tonight, and I don’t know what to do.  After today’s therapy session, I feel like more of a monster than anything.  I don’t know how to love myself.  I don’t even know if I should be loved, and that’s why I don’t know if I should have a boyfriend right now.  Or ever, to be honest.

But yeah, I feel beyond crappy right now.  I feel like today’s session really did set me off in ways that it shouldn’t have.