The Day After.

I guess I feel a little better after what happened last night.  Mostly, I feel guilty.  I feel selfish.  I feel horrible.  It took me all I could do to text my boyfriend and sound the way I usually do.  That made me feel worse because he thinks I’m better.  He thinks I have just bipolar disorder, and I can’t tell him that it’s worse than that.  He’d say that it’s okay, and I’d have to say that it’s not.  So, there’s no use in worrying him.

I’m feeling empty, which is still concerning me.  I thought about skipping my anxiety pill this morning, but I didn’t.  I didn’t really want to talk to family, so I’m trying to stay my distance away from them.

I can’t smile all that much.  I can’t sound cheery.  I just want to be left alone and isolated from friends and family.  I like the community here more than anything else.  I’m not attention-seeking, but I feel like people care about me on here.  It’s such a difference than in real life.

I remember I relapsed in high school, and my friends at the time kind of told me not to do that… They didn’t bother asking what was wrong or anything.  But here, I feel like people are hugging me and asking questions to make sure I’m alright. I appreciate it. Honestly, I do.

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13 thoughts on “The Day After.

  1. We do care. It’s no replacement for the people who are physically in your life, but a very good addition to it, I think. Deep breaths and don’t skip any meds … are your cuts visible? Do they hurt?

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  2. You shouldn’t feel guilty, selfish, or horrible for doing what you needed to do in the moment to cope with overwhelming feelings. Sure, it’s not the most healthy coping skill, but sometimes you just have to do what works at the time. Just try not to let it become a habit or ritual way of coping. Can’t you have phone contact with your therapist before next Thursday, or doesn’t he/she do that?

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