Learning How to Cope & More.

I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse days as well.  I guess I need to learn how to cope with things in general.  I should cope with anxiety, but instead of just sitting here with my crocheting things (that’s how I cope with anxiety), I’m watching a Korean Drama.

I’m finding new ways to cope, and I have it down to these activities:

  • Journalling, which is something I do when I’m depressed or bored.
  • Watching Netflix (Apparently, it helps me keep my mind off of things)
  • Crocheting, which helps me work out my anxiety.

I also saw someone cook when they’re stressed, anxious, sad, or just happy.  I want to learn how to cook amazing recipes, so I may try some cooking in the future and see if that calms me down.

I think that I’m getting better.  I’ve just stumbled a little in the past days.  But you know what?  I want someone out there to read this blog and I want them to say that I showed them what recovery looks like.

As for the future of this blog, I will still talk about mental health.  I’ll talk about my experience and past a lot more to further myself in therapy.  I might talk about other disorders if people would like that.  I don’t mind.  I’ve known someone with bulimia; I’ve known others with DID.  I’ve known people that have more than one disorder.  I’m willing to talk about my experience with them, with their names changed of course.  (It’s going to be for educational purposes only, not a gossip thing going on.) Or maybe I’ll make this a personal blog as well and delete my other blog.  I’m not sure.  Time will tell.

That’s all I feel like writing today.  I’m just giving you guys a heads-up.

P.S. I am going to see my boyfriend today and throughout the whole weekend.  I’ve decided to tell him that I’m schizoaffective in May.  The reason why is because I brought it up to him in the past, and he said that no matter how mentally disorganized I am, he will still accept me and he cares.  I think he’s alright with it, but still, I’m gonna bring it up at a later date.

Anxiety and Sharing with the Class.

I have been going through a lot of anxiety lately.  Anxiety about my weight, midterm exams, eating, fighting between family members, the death…  And quite frankly, I’ve been having panic attacks.  Thank goodness I was able to disguise them (I am really good at hiding negative emotions; “bottling them up,” as you may like to call them).  So, these panic attacks happen for about 15 minutes or longer, and I told my therapist about it.  She thinks that if I find hobbies to help me manage this anxiety, then we may have a solution: healthy coping 101.  I don’t doubt that, but I can’t help but wonder if it runs deeper than that.

Anyways, I was lost and I didn’t know what to do for a project to do in my photography class, and I decided to do something that showcases my bipolar disorder.  I kid you not, I decided to tell others that I’m bipolar.  I figured that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I wanted to practice telling others that I have this mental disorder (aka, my boyfriend).  The reaction I got was that the whole room went dead silent.  That was kind of discouraging at first, but people were supportive.  My professor even suggested that I keep a picture journal of my experiences of being bipolar (well, schizoaffective).  I think I might do that and start some sort of photo journal and let that come to life for me.  It’d be kind of fun, actually.

Speaking of journal, I bought a new one today.  It has no lines in it, so I plan on writing stuff in there and keeping a record of the days I find important, information that I think is neat like astrology or herbal remedies, and pictures that mean the world to me.  It’s not exactly a journal, but it’s not exactly a book of shadows either.  I guess it’s my spin on keeping a journal.

But yeah, that’s all I can say today.  I think it’s because I’m getting much more manageable with these symptoms, and I like where I’m at right now.  Except for my anti-anxiety med.  That one makes me tired.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

I shouldn’t have mentioned her.

I’m serious, ever since I talked about Dani, I am obsessed with losing weight. I weighed myself 4 times within 24 hours and I’m not eating normally.  I’m lying my way out of eating all that much, and part of me hates it.  Part of me really hates it, but part of me feels so alive.

I’m more determined to eat about no more than 600 calories, which suddenly seems like a lot.  I’m just kind of happily fed up with myself, but I think I should talk about these behaviors with my therapist when I see her again.  Or maybe I’ll keep this a secret.  It’s not interfering with my life, which is something a disorder is supposed to do, so I think I’m golden.  Since I’m obese, it’d look like normal weight loss.

But… I don’t know what to do. I know you guys will tell me to eat, but it’s hard when you don’t like eating or are actually afraid of calories.  I don’t know what to do.

“Cutting is about control.”

When I first heard this come out of my teacher’s mouth, the first thought I had was “what is this guy talking about?  It’s not about control!  It’s about coping with the situation that is triggering you!”  Then I thought about myself.

When something doesn’t seem to go my way, I think of cutting as a way to cope.  Then again, I remember the second time I self-harmed.  What scared me is that it was all about control.  I wanted to have something controlled in my life.  What was worse?  I flaunted the cuts on my wrist around and found I could control the amount of attention I brought onto myself.  That was all about manipulation, and I had fun doing that.

I’ve come to realize that I do have a problem with control.  I have to have control of the situation.  I have to have control to some extent over my friend(s) (if I had any) so that they won’t turn their backs on me.  I have to have control when I talk to someone.  I have to have control when I’m in therapy.  I always, always have to have control.  And now, with my professor bringing this sentence up, I’m pretty sure that cutting for me is subconsciously about control.

I admit, I am a control freak, but I don’t know how to stop controlling things.  I don’t know. I mean, my therapist even said it sounds like I have to be in control.  Part of it may stem from my anxiety and being hurt in the past, but I need to find out how to let it go.  I would like to talk about it in therapy, but I know I’d shut down.  It’s a hard topic for me to talk to someone about.  Maybe I can talk to my boyfriend about it, and I don’t think he’d mind me saying something like that.   Though, I don’t know how he’d react.  Maybe it would be a good reaction, as in a “let me help you” kind of way or if he would say, “no, you’re totally fine and you’re not controlling at all.”

Or maybe you guys can help me on this.  I know it’s kind of weird to ask you guys, but I need someone who struggles with this as well.  Perhaps we can keep tabs on each other through social media (I can set up a secret account on Facebook and maybe we can chat on there) or some other means like email.  Regardless, I really do need some help.

Something Personal. { Trigger Warning }

I’m starting to open up about some pretty deep things, and I think that I’m ready to talk about some things that really need to be put out there.  I don’t want to bottle anything up; I’m getting over that initial fear of sharing.  So, I wanted to say something that no one knows about. I want to talk about it because I’ve been thinking about it more and more, and I want to find some sort of peace with it. So, I’m going to share right now.

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Am I Controlling?

Hey, so I had therapy today, and I must say, the session got really intense.  I didn’t like it, but I guess there was something that needed to be said.  I really don’t trust people and I’m one of the most independent people I know.  My therapist said I was filled with pride and that it was admirable.

However, she tried to get to the root of why I didn’t trust people, and I didn’t want to tell her.  I just didn’t see the need to.  She also said that I seemed to need to have a control of some situations, and it bothered me.

I mean, me?  Controlling?  I’m not controlling.  I’m anxious, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m all of that controlling.  I just don’t like being put in situations, so I avoid them at the most.  I don’t open up to people because “I am afraid of being let down.”  No, I’m afraid of them being the kind of person that gossips about me.  So, I avoid talking to people.

She also said that I am experiencing an increased amount of depression right now.  She made me promise that I would do something loving to myself tonight, and I don’t know what to do.  After today’s therapy session, I feel like more of a monster than anything.  I don’t know how to love myself.  I don’t even know if I should be loved, and that’s why I don’t know if I should have a boyfriend right now.  Or ever, to be honest.

But yeah, I feel beyond crappy right now.  I feel like today’s session really did set me off in ways that it shouldn’t have.