So, I can’t keep my hands still. Why is that? I have been writing like crazy. I am not manic. I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…
But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…
I’m happy. I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall. I’m so….
So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
So, I can’t stand fighting. So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting. And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.
I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days. Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy. And they don’t talk to me after that…
I’m sick of people. I’m depressed and I just want to cry. I hate life right now.
How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?
I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me… She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart. She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that. Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.
In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A. I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up. We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised. Still, I really wish that I could talk to A. Haha….
He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen. Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours. Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.
I hate my impulses.
They make me fat.
They make me regret things.
My impulses are like sins.
You want to stop doing it,
But it’s all you know and you keep going.
My impulses hurt me.
They tell me to bleed,
And they tell me to eat.
And I scream out
Where is my magic pill
that keeps me from being ill?
No one responds,
So I sit here with these damned impulses.
I’m trying, trying again.
My mom seriously doesn’t want me on lithium, and that’s alright with me. Why is it suddenly alright with me? I have a plan B up my sleeve, and it may make everything a lot better. So here’s plan B:
I am alright with my manic episodes. I’m spending money, but after a while, the buying thing loses its interest. I’m not buying meaningless things either. These are for the hobbies such as comic books, trading cards… So what I’m proposing to my psychiatrist is to be put on an antidepressant along with abilify. Why is that? Because I get suicidal at times. I can handle my mania, I’d be able to handle my depression. Happy mom, happy Kayden. It’d all balance out in my mind.
Now, I think that would be alright. I’d have to hear my psychiatrist out, but I think it’d be the best because my mom still believes in her little mind that I have depression and anxiety, and it’s not schizoaffective or bipolar disorder or whatever. Let’s play my mom’s game, and when I move in a couple of years, I will be able to finally try lithium, unless this plan goes better than I thought it will. That’s always a possibility. I have no issue with that.
Let’s just see what his thoughts are on this.
Hey, so I was listening to the Frozen soundtrack today (I know, I’m a little kid inside) and I thought about the song “For the First Time in Forever.” In case you haven’t heart it, you can find it here.
So, I realized that Anna, the ginger, younger sister, has something that reminds me of mania. There’s this “Oh my gosh, the world is a great place and I get to do this, this, this this, and this” vibe from her. She seems rather hyper, and her thoughts are all over the place. She has this delusion that the first guy she meets is going to be “the one.”
Elsa, on the other hand, is the depressive side of bipolar disorder. “Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show.” Sounds like someone masking their depression, doesn’t it? Then she goes and says, “Make one wrong move and everyone will know.” That makes someone think of the negative thinking that goes with the depression.
Then there’s this part where both females say the exact same thing, showing how depression and mania can have the same sentence structure, but have a different outlook. When you’re manic, everything’s great (depending if you’re that hyper happy or agitated happy; I’m usually the hyper happy) and you just want to sing and dance and love everyone. When you’re depressed, you dread things, and it’s hard to be positive.
So, yeah, this came to me while I was listening to the song, and that’s what it makes it more… Relatable. I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I might do this with other songs.
My mom went back on her word and got one of her pharmacist friends to back her up. She even wanted to talk about cutting my risperidone. Oh, and by the way, she’s concerned about my depression and anxiety and ignores my mania. I’m just so done with her.
Maybe I’ll attempt suicide. You know, not fully commit suicide, but attempt it so that she’ll see that I need lithium. This whole thing is breaking my heart in so many ways… That would be ideal, but I’m not going to do it.
I’m just going to give her the silent treatment until I pick up my lithium and take it, like the fucking grown adult I am. And if not, then I’ll try the depakote again. This time, I’d be well equipped to deal with the anxiety.
I don’t fucking care, I want to be normal.