Learning How to Cope & More.

I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse days as well.  I guess I need to learn how to cope with things in general.  I should cope with anxiety, but instead of just sitting here with my crocheting things (that’s how I cope with anxiety), I’m watching a Korean Drama.

I’m finding new ways to cope, and I have it down to these activities:

  • Journalling, which is something I do when I’m depressed or bored.
  • Watching Netflix (Apparently, it helps me keep my mind off of things)
  • Crocheting, which helps me work out my anxiety.

I also saw someone cook when they’re stressed, anxious, sad, or just happy.  I want to learn how to cook amazing recipes, so I may try some cooking in the future and see if that calms me down.

I think that I’m getting better.  I’ve just stumbled a little in the past days.  But you know what?  I want someone out there to read this blog and I want them to say that I showed them what recovery looks like.

As for the future of this blog, I will still talk about mental health.  I’ll talk about my experience and past a lot more to further myself in therapy.  I might talk about other disorders if people would like that.  I don’t mind.  I’ve known someone with bulimia; I’ve known others with DID.  I’ve known people that have more than one disorder.  I’m willing to talk about my experience with them, with their names changed of course.  (It’s going to be for educational purposes only, not a gossip thing going on.) Or maybe I’ll make this a personal blog as well and delete my other blog.  I’m not sure.  Time will tell.

That’s all I feel like writing today.  I’m just giving you guys a heads-up.

P.S. I am going to see my boyfriend today and throughout the whole weekend.  I’ve decided to tell him that I’m schizoaffective in May.  The reason why is because I brought it up to him in the past, and he said that no matter how mentally disorganized I am, he will still accept me and he cares.  I think he’s alright with it, but still, I’m gonna bring it up at a later date.

Twitter and other news.

I set up a twitter in case you guys want to contact me in another way, and I think I might make a facebook as well. You can find my twitter here, and I’ll post about life and stuff regularly.  It’s not all going to be about mental health. I may post about my boyfriend, or I might show my face.  I used to have a blog on here, whose username escapes me, and I know at least 1 person will recognize me.

I don’t mind that though.  It’s because I feel safe here and I trust you all with my secrets. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t tell you guys about my schizoaffective disorder, eating habits, and other things.

In other news, I am going out of town in 2 weeks.  I haven’t drastically hallucinated and I only heard 1 voice so far after getting switched off of the 3 mgs of risperidone to 1.5 mgs.  The abilify is working so good, and I’m glad I found a drug that does it all.  What does this have to do with going out of town?  I’m seeing my boyfriend, and usually, I hallucinate around him, especially when I leave him.  I want to see if the abilify has helped that.

I’m really excited about seeing my boyfriend though.  My heart skips beats just thinking about that.  I’ve decided to tell him about my schizoaffective disorder through the letter I wrote him.  I’m convinced he wouldn’t mind, but I also want to know how this changes our relationship.  Maybe it won’t.  I wouldn’t know.  I have to wait and see.

I don’t know what else to write about, so here’s what I’m thinking about doing: I’m thinking about taking questions about schizoaffective disorder.  Ask me about my moods, thoughts, paranoid delusions (trust me, I’ve had some), hallucinations, etc. I have nothing to hide, and I want to do this so that people can learn schizophrenia and bipolar disorder isn’t all bad. That’s just how I am.

So, that’s about all I have for you guys today. Sorry, I’m not all that exciting right now.  The worst is over, and I’m so relieved that it is.

Networking?

I’m thinking about making a twitter dedicated to mental health as well, and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in a schizoaffective person tweeting and talking about how my life is and stuff.  I mean, it all depends if people would like to follow me.

Edit:

Maybe I would go and expand on facebook as well.  I could create an account and I could raise awareness of schizoaffective disorder that way.  I already have a wattpad account that I plan to utilize for the sake of schizoaffective.  I’m just in the mood to let people know that this exists.

“Cutting is about control.”

When I first heard this come out of my teacher’s mouth, the first thought I had was “what is this guy talking about?  It’s not about control!  It’s about coping with the situation that is triggering you!”  Then I thought about myself.

When something doesn’t seem to go my way, I think of cutting as a way to cope.  Then again, I remember the second time I self-harmed.  What scared me is that it was all about control.  I wanted to have something controlled in my life.  What was worse?  I flaunted the cuts on my wrist around and found I could control the amount of attention I brought onto myself.  That was all about manipulation, and I had fun doing that.

I’ve come to realize that I do have a problem with control.  I have to have control of the situation.  I have to have control to some extent over my friend(s) (if I had any) so that they won’t turn their backs on me.  I have to have control when I talk to someone.  I have to have control when I’m in therapy.  I always, always have to have control.  And now, with my professor bringing this sentence up, I’m pretty sure that cutting for me is subconsciously about control.

I admit, I am a control freak, but I don’t know how to stop controlling things.  I don’t know. I mean, my therapist even said it sounds like I have to be in control.  Part of it may stem from my anxiety and being hurt in the past, but I need to find out how to let it go.  I would like to talk about it in therapy, but I know I’d shut down.  It’s a hard topic for me to talk to someone about.  Maybe I can talk to my boyfriend about it, and I don’t think he’d mind me saying something like that.   Though, I don’t know how he’d react.  Maybe it would be a good reaction, as in a “let me help you” kind of way or if he would say, “no, you’re totally fine and you’re not controlling at all.”

Or maybe you guys can help me on this.  I know it’s kind of weird to ask you guys, but I need someone who struggles with this as well.  Perhaps we can keep tabs on each other through social media (I can set up a secret account on Facebook and maybe we can chat on there) or some other means like email.  Regardless, I really do need some help.

Surprise!

So, I found something out.   Hallucinations don’t go away at the snap of a finger.  I haven’t been taking my anxiety med like I’m supposed to and it’s making me hallucinate a tiny bit more than usual.  I heard some voices becoming jumbled, and I couldn’t really make out what they were saying.  It was just so fast and I couldn’t make sense of it.

Then, when I tried going to sleep last night, it was like there was a light shining in my face and it bothered me for about 10 minutes.  I’m serious, this is completely freaking me out.  The thing about it is that there’s a commenting voice inside of my head, and it’s been talking about people I’ve come into contact with.  I’ve heard it say better things this time, but it’s still there.

So what does that mean for me…?  It means that the Risperidal may not be working as effectively.  It may mean that my symptoms are getting worse.  It might mean that I’m going to be officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder once I tell the psychiatrist this.  It could mean that I’m entering another state of psychosis.  But the thing is that I feel pretty much empty, and one minute I hate people, and the next minute, I love them.

I mean, it’s possible to have more than 1 thing wrong with me, and I keep coming back to hypothesizing on 2 disorders: schizoaffective and Borderline Personality.  And I hate saying that because in the past, I was right about being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  I don’t want to be right again.  I really, really don’t.  I want to be diagnosed with bipolar and that’s it.  Still, there’s a part of me that says otherwise.

I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

Empty threats and more.

I feel like I’m such a monster.  I had a twitter… Emphasis on had.  It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel.  Always.  So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today.  And you know, they ignored me.  So, I got mad…  And they ignored me.  So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying.  They couldn’t have replied fast enough.

They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts.  I feel like they deserve that.  They won’t text me, though.  I’m sure of that.  They’re too fucking busy talking to each other.  Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend.  I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.

So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost.  I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut.  But I have to hold in my emotions.

My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now.  She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there.  I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization.  It’d scare me and cause me anxiety.  I just don’t know.  Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.

I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it.  Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty.  No one else has…

Day 2 of Abilify

So, I’ve given up on the 31 days of Bipolar because it was getting boring. But anyways, let’s talk about how I feel as of right now.

I’m only on 5 mgs of Abilify, and I feel amazing.  My depression went away, and I’m getting my energy back right now.  Like, I’m not kidding, I feel like I can do yoga and enjoy it.  I feel like drawing and writing would be enjoyable right about now.  So, right now, my motivation is back.  That was the thing that was concerning me the most.  I also realized that this is making my sexual orientation change.

You see, I thought I was an asexual, but in all honesty, it was because I just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing due to my depression.  Now, since my depression is decreasing, my actual SO is coming apparent to me. I didn’t know that.  But now… I am comfortable with myself.

I’m going to see if there’s anything else that pops up with this medication.