Learning How to Cope & More.

I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse days as well.  I guess I need to learn how to cope with things in general.  I should cope with anxiety, but instead of just sitting here with my crocheting things (that’s how I cope with anxiety), I’m watching a Korean Drama.

I’m finding new ways to cope, and I have it down to these activities:

  • Journalling, which is something I do when I’m depressed or bored.
  • Watching Netflix (Apparently, it helps me keep my mind off of things)
  • Crocheting, which helps me work out my anxiety.

I also saw someone cook when they’re stressed, anxious, sad, or just happy.  I want to learn how to cook amazing recipes, so I may try some cooking in the future and see if that calms me down.

I think that I’m getting better.  I’ve just stumbled a little in the past days.  But you know what?  I want someone out there to read this blog and I want them to say that I showed them what recovery looks like.

As for the future of this blog, I will still talk about mental health.  I’ll talk about my experience and past a lot more to further myself in therapy.  I might talk about other disorders if people would like that.  I don’t mind.  I’ve known someone with bulimia; I’ve known others with DID.  I’ve known people that have more than one disorder.  I’m willing to talk about my experience with them, with their names changed of course.  (It’s going to be for educational purposes only, not a gossip thing going on.) Or maybe I’ll make this a personal blog as well and delete my other blog.  I’m not sure.  Time will tell.

That’s all I feel like writing today.  I’m just giving you guys a heads-up.

P.S. I am going to see my boyfriend today and throughout the whole weekend.  I’ve decided to tell him that I’m schizoaffective in May.  The reason why is because I brought it up to him in the past, and he said that no matter how mentally disorganized I am, he will still accept me and he cares.  I think he’s alright with it, but still, I’m gonna bring it up at a later date.

Twitter and other news.

I set up a twitter in case you guys want to contact me in another way, and I think I might make a facebook as well. You can find my twitter here, and I’ll post about life and stuff regularly.  It’s not all going to be about mental health. I may post about my boyfriend, or I might show my face.  I used to have a blog on here, whose username escapes me, and I know at least 1 person will recognize me.

I don’t mind that though.  It’s because I feel safe here and I trust you all with my secrets. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t tell you guys about my schizoaffective disorder, eating habits, and other things.

In other news, I am going out of town in 2 weeks.  I haven’t drastically hallucinated and I only heard 1 voice so far after getting switched off of the 3 mgs of risperidone to 1.5 mgs.  The abilify is working so good, and I’m glad I found a drug that does it all.  What does this have to do with going out of town?  I’m seeing my boyfriend, and usually, I hallucinate around him, especially when I leave him.  I want to see if the abilify has helped that.

I’m really excited about seeing my boyfriend though.  My heart skips beats just thinking about that.  I’ve decided to tell him about my schizoaffective disorder through the letter I wrote him.  I’m convinced he wouldn’t mind, but I also want to know how this changes our relationship.  Maybe it won’t.  I wouldn’t know.  I have to wait and see.

I don’t know what else to write about, so here’s what I’m thinking about doing: I’m thinking about taking questions about schizoaffective disorder.  Ask me about my moods, thoughts, paranoid delusions (trust me, I’ve had some), hallucinations, etc. I have nothing to hide, and I want to do this so that people can learn schizophrenia and bipolar disorder isn’t all bad. That’s just how I am.

So, that’s about all I have for you guys today. Sorry, I’m not all that exciting right now.  The worst is over, and I’m so relieved that it is.

Networking?

I’m thinking about making a twitter dedicated to mental health as well, and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in a schizoaffective person tweeting and talking about how my life is and stuff.  I mean, it all depends if people would like to follow me.

Edit:

Maybe I would go and expand on facebook as well.  I could create an account and I could raise awareness of schizoaffective disorder that way.  I already have a wattpad account that I plan to utilize for the sake of schizoaffective.  I’m just in the mood to let people know that this exists.

“Cutting is about control.”

When I first heard this come out of my teacher’s mouth, the first thought I had was “what is this guy talking about?  It’s not about control!  It’s about coping with the situation that is triggering you!”  Then I thought about myself.

When something doesn’t seem to go my way, I think of cutting as a way to cope.  Then again, I remember the second time I self-harmed.  What scared me is that it was all about control.  I wanted to have something controlled in my life.  What was worse?  I flaunted the cuts on my wrist around and found I could control the amount of attention I brought onto myself.  That was all about manipulation, and I had fun doing that.

I’ve come to realize that I do have a problem with control.  I have to have control of the situation.  I have to have control to some extent over my friend(s) (if I had any) so that they won’t turn their backs on me.  I have to have control when I talk to someone.  I have to have control when I’m in therapy.  I always, always have to have control.  And now, with my professor bringing this sentence up, I’m pretty sure that cutting for me is subconsciously about control.

I admit, I am a control freak, but I don’t know how to stop controlling things.  I don’t know. I mean, my therapist even said it sounds like I have to be in control.  Part of it may stem from my anxiety and being hurt in the past, but I need to find out how to let it go.  I would like to talk about it in therapy, but I know I’d shut down.  It’s a hard topic for me to talk to someone about.  Maybe I can talk to my boyfriend about it, and I don’t think he’d mind me saying something like that.   Though, I don’t know how he’d react.  Maybe it would be a good reaction, as in a “let me help you” kind of way or if he would say, “no, you’re totally fine and you’re not controlling at all.”

Or maybe you guys can help me on this.  I know it’s kind of weird to ask you guys, but I need someone who struggles with this as well.  Perhaps we can keep tabs on each other through social media (I can set up a secret account on Facebook and maybe we can chat on there) or some other means like email.  Regardless, I really do need some help.

Surprise!

So, I found something out.   Hallucinations don’t go away at the snap of a finger.  I haven’t been taking my anxiety med like I’m supposed to and it’s making me hallucinate a tiny bit more than usual.  I heard some voices becoming jumbled, and I couldn’t really make out what they were saying.  It was just so fast and I couldn’t make sense of it.

Then, when I tried going to sleep last night, it was like there was a light shining in my face and it bothered me for about 10 minutes.  I’m serious, this is completely freaking me out.  The thing about it is that there’s a commenting voice inside of my head, and it’s been talking about people I’ve come into contact with.  I’ve heard it say better things this time, but it’s still there.

So what does that mean for me…?  It means that the Risperidal may not be working as effectively.  It may mean that my symptoms are getting worse.  It might mean that I’m going to be officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder once I tell the psychiatrist this.  It could mean that I’m entering another state of psychosis.  But the thing is that I feel pretty much empty, and one minute I hate people, and the next minute, I love them.

I mean, it’s possible to have more than 1 thing wrong with me, and I keep coming back to hypothesizing on 2 disorders: schizoaffective and Borderline Personality.  And I hate saying that because in the past, I was right about being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  I don’t want to be right again.  I really, really don’t.  I want to be diagnosed with bipolar and that’s it.  Still, there’s a part of me that says otherwise.

I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

Empty threats and more.

I feel like I’m such a monster.  I had a twitter… Emphasis on had.  It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel.  Always.  So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today.  And you know, they ignored me.  So, I got mad…  And they ignored me.  So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying.  They couldn’t have replied fast enough.

They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts.  I feel like they deserve that.  They won’t text me, though.  I’m sure of that.  They’re too fucking busy talking to each other.  Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend.  I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.

So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost.  I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut.  But I have to hold in my emotions.

My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now.  She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there.  I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization.  It’d scare me and cause me anxiety.  I just don’t know.  Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.

I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it.  Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty.  No one else has…

Day 2 of Abilify

So, I’ve given up on the 31 days of Bipolar because it was getting boring. But anyways, let’s talk about how I feel as of right now.

I’m only on 5 mgs of Abilify, and I feel amazing.  My depression went away, and I’m getting my energy back right now.  Like, I’m not kidding, I feel like I can do yoga and enjoy it.  I feel like drawing and writing would be enjoyable right about now.  So, right now, my motivation is back.  That was the thing that was concerning me the most.  I also realized that this is making my sexual orientation change.

You see, I thought I was an asexual, but in all honesty, it was because I just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing due to my depression.  Now, since my depression is decreasing, my actual SO is coming apparent to me. I didn’t know that.  But now… I am comfortable with myself.

I’m going to see if there’s anything else that pops up with this medication.

Changes Already?

I just started taking Abilify, and now something interesting has happened.  It seems as though already, symptoms of depression have gone away.  I’m more alert in class, I feel like sleep can wait until 10 tonight…

I actually wanted to be around people today.  My blood sugar went low a couple of times today, so that means that the pill is starting to get in my system. I didn’t have any negative thinking today, even when I know I failed a quiz today.  “There’ll be other quizzes I can ace,” I told myself.

This whole thing in regards to Abilify seems like a magical pill.  It’s making everything that I hated about myself go away right now, and I love it.  I feel like I’m normal right now.  I’m normal, and it feels so good! I mean, this is only the first day of the effects, but I don’t want it to stop right now. I can think clearly and not stutter or become disorganized, and it makes my writing skills increase.  I smiled today, and I meant the smile, okay?  This is something that I’ve been waiting for…!

I’d just thought I’d document my journey with Abilify from now until we get to whatever plateau that needs to be hit.

31 Days of Bipolar – 19 & 20

Now, for those who paid attention, I skipped 18. I didn’t have much to say when it comes to that, so I just skipped it.  That and I have only 2 experiences with the mood stabilizers Depakote, which was hell for anxiety, and Risperidal, which I’m currently on. So, I don’t think I’m that qualified to explain my opinion on number 18. So, onwards to 19!

19. If religion and/or spirituality is a part of your mental health regime: what, how and why?

Religion and spirituality are of major health to me.  I like going to church, seeing as it distracts me from my mental health, and I like praying.  Praying does give me a place to vent and to let it go and leave it up to the Divine.  It makes me realize that I can’t be in control all the time, and it’s a good reminder at times.  I like to learn about religions as well, and it distracts me as well.

As for the spirituality portion, I sometimes meditate.  That helps calm me when I’m in an incredibly anxious spot in my life.  So, before I go to bed, I pop on a podcast of guided meditation, and I lay on my bed and focus on that.  The last time I’ve done that, I just felt the tension ooze out of my body. It left me feel really energized and excellent!

I’ve also been sick, but I’m trying to institute Yoga into my daily life.  I want to do that 5 times a week. It’s helped me feel energized as well, and it focuses on tough positions and breathing. It’s all about just being, just existing into that moment.  It’s another great reminder that I need.  Sometimes, I just need to exist.  It does help with some depression as well, at least from what I remember.  I haven’t felt up to par in a week, so… (As a side note, this is why I’m starting to believe I’m a Buddhist at heart; I connect with yoga, meditation, and the basic principals in said religion, so I might be a Buddhist.)

I also attend these church gatherings known as Youth Rallies.  That’s how I met some of my most nearest and dearest friends. It’s about worshiping and fellowship.  I really love it, and it’s just a vacation from the world for the weekend.  I find a lot of peace and patience there. So, you can see that religion and spirituality helps me quite a lot when it comes to my mental health.

20. Do you consider yourself creative? How do you express that? What piece of work (or whatever is applicable) are you most proud of?

Oh, my gosh.  I consider myself as creative as you can possibly get. I have all of these mediums that I work with.  My favorite to work with is pen and paper, and I love writing.  I got some of my poetry published, and I had an opportunity to make my own book via an author.  I’m much more interested in being an author and not a poet, seeing as though I have at least 3 series (about 10 books total) in my mind that I need to write, but that’s only when I’m mentally better.

Besides writing, I draw.  I had posted a drawing on here, so you can check it out. I draw as a way to pass time, and I find it helps my racing thoughts and helps me process things.  I’ve been seriously drawing since I was six, and I’m self-trained.  I do more of the cartoon-y aspect of things; I’ve never really grown up, so what else do you expect from someone like that?  So, there’s that.

I can crochet, and I’ve currently been learning how to make hats.  I’m just starting out, but I want to be more serious with that. I want to learn how to take knitting more seriously as well, but I need different sizes of needles, lots and looots of yarn, and a whole bunch of patience.  I’ve tried needlepoint, but it wasn’t something that tickles my fancy.  I do like sewing by hand, however, and I want to hand-sew my own clothes in the near future.

More recently, I’m learning how to do photography.  I’m taking a class on it, and so far, it’s going quite well. I’ve taken one picture that I’m proud of, and it’s of a candle that’s lit.  I love it so much.  I might post that later, but I have to make sure my name is on it; I don’t want anyone stealing it.

But yeah.  After a long-winded post, I think I’ve covered everything.  I honestly didn’t expect this to be over 800 words, but I’m in the mood to write today. So, yeah, I hope you guys have a great rest of your day and have a great night!

31 Days of Bipolar – Days 16 & 17

I’m just going to jump right into it today.

16. If you could plan the best possible treatment strategy for your bipolar self, what would it look like?

The only thing I would change from my whole schedule is to see a therapist once a week rather than bi-weekly. The reason for that is so that I can talk about things that happened in the past. I would like to do that, but I’d have to get more comfortable with the therapist, you know? But seeing someone once a month for medication is doing it just fine. Maybe some DBT would be good as well, but once again, I wouldn’t want to push myself to do things that may be uncomfortable.

17. If bipolar was a real thing or being, what would it look, sound and behave like?

I would like to put it in this context, and I hope I’m not offending anyone like this:

I imagine it as a person with 2 personalities.  The main host is depressive, lethargic, and they would cry all the time. They’d sound whiny, though sometimes grumpy due to aggression, and that would be weird.  They’d have no friends, and they’d spend a long amount of time in their bed.

On the other side, there’d be a personality that is the life of the party. They make friends easily.  They’d love drugs and they would sound more seductive than the other personality would.  They’d spend lots of money, and people would love them regardless.  They may get impulsive at times, but that’s okay.

That’s how I picture bipolar disorder.