Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

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The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

Grieving and Cyberbullying.

So, I should get this off of my chest.  Someone I knew died today.  It hurts me because he was a loving and caring person and he had the whole world ahead of him.  He was only 21.

If I were off of my medication, I would say that it’s my fault, that I should’ve helped him, even though he was states away.  I’d be crying all day, and it would’ve hurt me.  I barely knew the guy, but I would internalize my sadness and become extremely depressed.  But I still feel sad, and I think that the abilify has helped me so much with my depression; I don’t feel sad enough to really cry, but I’m grieving in a way that’s appropriate for this situation.  I barely knew him = not crying, but sad.

In other news, I have a person that created a twitter just to harass me.  I feel so flattered, you don’t even know.  I was wondering when I’d get one of those trolls.  Now that I got one, I feel like I won an Oscar.  I’m officially an important blog and I don’t care if he said I diagnosed myself.

So, to the person who tried to bully me: I have documentation to prove my theory of being schizoaffective, you imbecile.  I mean, you should also know that everyone is different when it comes to medication.  Therefore, you should stop trying to make it look like I’m claiming to be condescending.  Oh, and by the way, my posts are all over the place because I’m disorganized.  That’s what schizophrenia does to you.  You probably didn’t know that, you little shit.  You’re not bothering me.  You’re just amusing to me.  You amuse me with some stupidity.  So, with that in mind, have a nice day.

As to the people that support me: You guys are like a family to me.  You were there where no one else would listen to me, and you were there when I started to see and hear things.  You were there through all of the meds and diagnoses.  I really love you all, and if I was ever rude to you during those times, I am totally sorry.  I was under so much stress and delusions…

Anyways, that’s it for this post.