This is the weirdest feeling I’ve had today, and I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. I just feel like it shouldn’t be good, but then again, why does it feel kind of positive…?
Anyways, I guess I got bothered by the extremely empty feeling I’ve had all day. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t relate to others. I just sat in a classroom and stared at teachers all day, and with the combination of the Risperidal and the Hydroxizine working, the emptiness persisted at me. I don’t know what to make of it.
I cried a lot and then I basically said that I couldn’t handle feeling empty… So what did I do? I hurt myself to prove that I could feel something. All I wanted was to know that I’m not a robot. I guess you could say that I’m not totally happy, but I went from self-hatred to okay. Not great. Not fabulous. Just okay.
Of course, I’m scared. There’s been times when I’ve hurt myself 3 days in a row, then found anywhere from 80-100 cuts on myself. The last time, I left some scars… And if I’m not mistaken, I may end up with some more from this time. It bothers me that I haven’t found anything else to cope with. Sure, this blog helps me vent, which lets me put off all of my desires to run a blade through my skin. Sometimes that helps. It didn’t help tonight, though.
And what I find worse — like I said before — is that my family is ignoring me more and more. I remember cuts on my wrist before. My mom and sibling didn’t pay attention to them. Only my friends did. My boyfriend doesn’t know that I found a new spot that’s hidden from view, so he thinks everything is alright. I don’t really have any friends. I feel so alone, like I’m screaming and I’m just ignored. I want someone to help me so bad. I want someone to listen. I’m afraid that if I don’t find someone to confide in, I’m going to end up hurting myself to the point of attempting suicide.
If anything, I guess I made this post because I’m crying for help. And I hope someone listens to me on here. This is all I’ve got.