I Relapsed. {Trigger Warning}

This is the weirdest feeling I’ve had today, and I can’t tell if it’s good or bad.  I just feel like it shouldn’t be good, but then again, why does it feel kind of positive…?

Anyways, I guess I got bothered by the extremely empty feeling I’ve had all day.  I couldn’t smile.  I couldn’t relate to others.  I just sat in a classroom and stared at teachers all day, and with the combination of the Risperidal and the Hydroxizine working, the emptiness persisted at me.  I don’t know what to make of it.

I cried a lot and then I basically said that I couldn’t handle feeling empty… So what did I do?  I hurt myself to prove that I could feel something.  All I wanted was to know that I’m not a robot.  I guess you could say that I’m not totally happy, but I went from self-hatred to okay.  Not great. Not fabulous. Just okay.

Of course, I’m scared.  There’s been times when I’ve hurt myself 3 days in a row, then found anywhere from 80-100 cuts on myself.  The last time, I left some scars… And if I’m not mistaken, I may end up with some more from this time.  It bothers me that I haven’t found anything else to cope with.  Sure, this blog helps me vent, which lets me put off all of my desires to run a blade through my skin.  Sometimes that helps.  It didn’t help tonight, though.

And what I find worse — like I said before — is that my family is ignoring me more and more.  I remember cuts on my wrist before.  My mom and sibling didn’t pay attention to them.  Only my friends did.  My boyfriend doesn’t know that I found a new spot that’s hidden from view, so he thinks everything is alright. I don’t really have any friends.  I feel so alone, like I’m screaming and I’m just ignored.  I want someone to help me so bad.  I want someone to listen.  I’m afraid that if I don’t find someone to confide in, I’m going to end up hurting myself to the point of attempting suicide.

If anything, I guess I made this post because I’m crying for help.  And I hope someone listens to me on here.  This is all I’ve got.

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13 thoughts on “I Relapsed. {Trigger Warning}

  1. Emptiness is something I struggle a lot with. I’ve never engaged in self harm because I don’t like the sensation of physical pain; I feel pained emotionally enough. What I learned is… emptiness itself IS a feeling. The fact that you have enough awareness to feel emptiness means you’re already perfectly capable of feeling. When you stop feeling is when you kind of become so numb that you lose sensation of everything, including your own identity.

    One of the things I learned is that I can’t expect people to guess because they see me look sad, or my cuts, or just any part of me. The other day, I had a long conversation with a long lost friend. I asked her why she ignored me during our teen years when I was living under abusive situations. She said, “It’s not because I thought you were weird, it’s because I was scared of asking when you hadn’t bothered to come up to tell me. I thought you didn’t want to talk about it. I thought you wanted to ignore me.”

    I can’t say what the situation with your family is, but sometimes we don’t realize how it may seem from their perspective, how they may perceive our behavior as “don’t even ask” when what we’re really wanting is for them to ask.

    The best thing is try and reach out to them, or someone, because you can spend your entire life just assuming so much that may not be true. When you confront it, you’ll at least know. Were they just giving you space? Or do they really don’t want to do with you? Once you have those answers, you can know who can become part of your support network. We all need that safety net.

    Wishing you the best. Talk to them. And if you find the people you thought were there for you aren’t, don’t think it’s the end of the world. I’ve been there. I know how lonely that initial shock is, but I held on… and then I met people who truly cared for me.

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    • I would reach out to them, but then they’d think that something is seriously wrong with me. They’d think that I need to go to a mental asylum.

      Another reason I can’t bring myself to talk to my family is the fact that I’m afraid they’re going to abandon me. Maybe they’ll just call me crazy or something. I know that sounds really stupid, but that’s what I imagine happening.

      As for reaching out to someone, I don’t know who to reach out to. I really don’t know.

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      • I understand about family. I consider mine basically… non-existent. I love them and I know they mean well, but I can’t count on them for anything. Ever. So, I don’t. In fact, the less they know, the better. Of course, this is just me and reflective of my relationship with them.

        Are you seeing a therapist / healthcare professional? Usually they’re the first ones to talk to. They’re my first source.

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      • I do have a therapist, but today’s a Friday, and she doesn’t have work on Fridays. Either way, I’d have to wait until Monday or until my appointment to talk to her.

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  2. Of the two options, cutting is definitely the lesser of two evils. I totally relate to how you’re feeling. I haven’t cut in years, but I still get strong urges to do so. It always sucks when these things happen on a weekend, as we lose the support of our therapists. Is there some sort of crisis hotline in your area, so that you can talk to someone rather than just blogging? I know it helps to blog about how we feel, but actually talking to someone seems like it would be better…

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