But I don’t care…. I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion. I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist. I’m going to become a Mormon. I’m going to live my life. No one is going to hold me back.
Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
Yes, I know what you’re saying. You might think that it’s impossible. It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt. That was eaten at 9:30 this morning. I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied. So, I feel like I restrict.
The sad part is that I like to do that. I like to forget and I love to have salads. All the time. Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee. Sometimes, with tea. But that’s something I love to do…
Is that bad?
When I first heard this come out of my teacher’s mouth, the first thought I had was “what is this guy talking about? It’s not about control! It’s about coping with the situation that is triggering you!” Then I thought about myself.
When something doesn’t seem to go my way, I think of cutting as a way to cope. Then again, I remember the second time I self-harmed. What scared me is that it was all about control. I wanted to have something controlled in my life. What was worse? I flaunted the cuts on my wrist around and found I could control the amount of attention I brought onto myself. That was all about manipulation, and I had fun doing that.
I’ve come to realize that I do have a problem with control. I have to have control of the situation. I have to have control to some extent over my friend(s) (if I had any) so that they won’t turn their backs on me. I have to have control when I talk to someone. I have to have control when I’m in therapy. I always, always have to have control. And now, with my professor bringing this sentence up, I’m pretty sure that cutting for me is subconsciously about control.
I admit, I am a control freak, but I don’t know how to stop controlling things. I don’t know. I mean, my therapist even said it sounds like I have to be in control. Part of it may stem from my anxiety and being hurt in the past, but I need to find out how to let it go. I would like to talk about it in therapy, but I know I’d shut down. It’s a hard topic for me to talk to someone about. Maybe I can talk to my boyfriend about it, and I don’t think he’d mind me saying something like that. Though, I don’t know how he’d react. Maybe it would be a good reaction, as in a “let me help you” kind of way or if he would say, “no, you’re totally fine and you’re not controlling at all.”
Or maybe you guys can help me on this. I know it’s kind of weird to ask you guys, but I need someone who struggles with this as well. Perhaps we can keep tabs on each other through social media (I can set up a secret account on Facebook and maybe we can chat on there) or some other means like email. Regardless, I really do need some help.