So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
But I don’t care…. I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion. I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist. I’m going to become a Mormon. I’m going to live my life. No one is going to hold me back.
Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.
Yes, I’m doing a little better. The only thing that I can’t stop is binging. I just don’t want to stop…
So far I’ve eaten 12-15 cookies within 12 hours. I feel like shit. So, I hate it, but I feel the need to purge… So I’ve got some laxative tea, and I’m thinking about drinking a couple of cups of it. I know, I shouldn’t…. But still. I can’t help but think about being thin. It’s an obsession.
What to do, what to do…
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
So, I can’t stand fighting. So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting. And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.
I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days. Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy. And they don’t talk to me after that…
I’m sick of people. I’m depressed and I just want to cry. I hate life right now.
Yes, I know what you’re saying. You might think that it’s impossible. It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt. That was eaten at 9:30 this morning. I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied. So, I feel like I restrict.
The sad part is that I like to do that. I like to forget and I love to have salads. All the time. Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee. Sometimes, with tea. But that’s something I love to do…
Is that bad?
So, I talked to my prescriber today. She seemed to be dressed in blue. Anyways, I told her that I’ve had some hallucinations, and I’ve also brought up this new symptom.
I’ve been stuttering and my grammar structure has been off. She has no idea what has been happening. There’s 2 possibilities, but I’m not saying anything until we figure this out.
I was also talking to a coworker yesterday, and they said that they were a drug addict, but is in recovery. I have utmost respect for them, and I shared my struggles with them regarding my schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. They were kind of shocked and felt bad for me, but I assured them that I am better and happy and such. I just feel…
I feel relieved that I’m not the only one taking an antidepressant at work. I don’t feel like a freak anymore. This is the feeling that I have been wanting: the feeling of belonging.
How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?
I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me… She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart. She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that. Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.
In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A. I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up. We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised. Still, I really wish that I could talk to A. Haha….
He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen. Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours. Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.
Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting. I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing. So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.
First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden. It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender. Secondly, I have been trying out new religions… I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.
So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well. I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now. The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard. I had to take a mental health leave from college, but… I don’t regret it. I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.
I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single. My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me. I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more. I’m learning to love myself. The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…
Anyways, let’s have a discussion. It can be about anything. Leave some suggestions for this blog down below. I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it. Or, I could even do a challenge. Let me know!