Hallucinations and Such.

So, I have to admit, I’ve been hallucinating recently, though it’s more of my eyes playing tricks on me.  For example, I’m taking an Ethics class, and I was in the middle of a testing situation, and what happened is that the word changed. Then I looked again, and it was supposed to be the word that it was supposed to be.

Though, it’s only been a little less than a week since I’ve cut my risperidal in half, my hallucinations are more than auditory; there’s visual things going on as well.  I saw this commercial today, and then Tristan appeared in it.  He looked like he was in pain.  He didn’t say anything to me, but he looked as though he had just finished crying.  It didn’t bother me, but I wonder why he was seen.  I wonder why he was like that and not like himself.  I want to ask questions, and I have, but Thayer or Tristan haven’t answered.

But I have a feeling it’s okay.

I think Tristan’s attitude has changed, but I shouldn’t make assumptions about the worst hallucination of them all.

More about Tristan. {Trigger Warning}

I’d like to say that Tristan is related to Thayer, but I’m not sure if it’s true.  I’ve never asked Thayer before.  They look similar — chocolate-colored eyes, thick black hair, the tan complexion, but there are some differences.  Tristan has a more feminine face, and he has shoulder-length hair; sometimes, he ties it up into a ponytail.  He’s also shorter than Thayer and more of my height, which is 5’9″.  His voice is like mine as well, but it’s a higher register for a male.  I would say Tristan is about 20.

Tristan was scaring me in the past.  He urged me to self-harm by talking, and when I self-harmed by slitting my thigh deeper than I wanted to, he would congratulate me, and then he would leave me alone for a couple of days (a week if I was lucky).  He would yell at me, calling me stupid, worthless, a fat disgrace…  Any hurtful thing you could think of, he would call me that.  He was like every single person that bullied me into one being.  It was bad.

One day with medication, he left.  His last words came to me when I cut my deepest and when I got my first scars from hurting myself.  He told me that he “was proud of me.”  He wanted me to hurt myself.  If he could, he probably would’ve pushed me to suicide.  That was how strong he was.  He was extremely abusive towards me, and that’s what made me scared.

So you see, I hope Tristan doesn’t come back.