After my dad dying, my grandmother is going to die of cancer. We talked to home care yesterday, and we set up when they’re going to be coming. I just…. I feel numb.
So, I can’t keep my hands still. Why is that? I have been writing like crazy. I am not manic. I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…
But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…
I’m happy. I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall. I’m so….
And he made me feel like shit.
So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder. It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like… I don’t really feel attracted to him. So, anyways, let’s just get into it.
I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.
This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination. It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C. (That’s my ex, okay?) I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple. He hated me, so…. Yeah.
So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively. Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue? Let me know in the comments below. Anyways, I do this quite a lot… I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much. It really stinks.
Now, imagine combining them together. It can be a make-or-break situation. One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows. They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate. Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain. So yeah.
Just thought I’d share this experience with you.
But I don’t care…. I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion. I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist. I’m going to become a Mormon. I’m going to live my life. No one is going to hold me back.
Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.
Yes, I’m doing a little better. The only thing that I can’t stop is binging. I just don’t want to stop…
So far I’ve eaten 12-15 cookies within 12 hours. I feel like shit. So, I hate it, but I feel the need to purge… So I’ve got some laxative tea, and I’m thinking about drinking a couple of cups of it. I know, I shouldn’t…. But still. I can’t help but think about being thin. It’s an obsession.
What to do, what to do…
I used to love my job, but now, it’s just been full of drama. I can’t talk to my new friend because she’s a supervisor, and she was “showing favoritism.” Whatever. I just hate this guy. Let’s call him A. A is older than I am and jealous about my friendship with my supervisor. He also talks with an 18-year-old. And they’re friends. Which is odd. But please, don’t let that affect the atmosphere of this…. “job,” if you could call it that.
My blood sugar is high again. I hate having diabetes. I would just love to binge….
However, I have more of an urge to puke than anything. I want to starve and puke and stuff like that. I’m still in a dark place right now. I don’t wanna eat. I just want to lose weight.
I’m trying to find an email penpal, and I want someone to understand that I have schizoaffective disorder. That way, they know how to handle me.
Can I puke already? I feel beyond sick.