Letters to My Boyfriend

I am doing this so I can communicate with my boyfriend a lot more. I’m keeping this journal so that he can understand me better. I’m putting personal stuff in there such as the fact that I self-harmed and why I did it. He knows about my self-harming, but he doesn’t know why. 

I feel like we’re close  enough so we can talk about these things. I’ve opened up to him a lot already, so this is the next step. I’m nervous as to what he’ll think, but I trust him. 

Just a small thought.  

The Hospital

I love looking in the windows of a mental hospital in my small city.  I mean, the walls are brick, and the lighting appears to be terrible, but I still like to see the outlines of the people.

The building itself looks like a war zone to me, but it’s not.  It’s a place for healing, a place for being, if you will. The window sills are a bright red, the same red that matches the doors, and I feel really happy to look in there.

I’m not going to lie, I used to be scared of such a place, especially when I found out when I was schizophrenic.  I thought that it would be me, that I would go and wind up staying weeks on end in there.  Now, I find nothing but joy and wonder, and I want to go in there.  I want to see people that would help me a lot more.  They’re much better than my friends… Unless you count my boyfriend.  He’s the best.

Today, I saw 2 men looking right back at me as our cherry car zoomed by them.  They looked amused by the sight of me, and I, amused by the sight of them.  I wanted to know more about them: their names, their ages, if they had schizoaffective disorder like myself… I would love to know all about them.  Of course, maybe they’d hate me or something.  I would’ve loved to try regardless.

Is it bad to have such a longing to become one of the people within the walls of the asylum?  I don’t long for the problems they have….

I just want somewhere to belong.

Let me explain.

So, there was a small update, and I wanted to post more, but I was tired.  After spending loads of time with my boyfriend this weekend and working yesterday, I fell asleep shortly after I posted the update.  So let me explain.

The Risperidone I’m taking twice a day is keeping my hallucinations away.  Sometimes, I hear things, but it’s the normal version of “I’m just hearing things.”  My last hallucination was about a couple of weeks ago, and I’m happy to report that my moods are under control.  I still feel things deeper and obsess over things that have happened that affect me.   Since my decreased of Risperidone, I’ve lost 5 pounds/maybe 6 pounds.

As for work, I can work about 19 hours without any repercussions. My mental health is fine except for a person that no one likes at work.  I can manage.  I do a lot of things at work and I have to say, I’ve been doing a really good job. I’ve gotten my first compliment, something that is rare in the fast food industry, and it’s made me raise my head higher.

My boyfriend and I are going strong, and I have to say, I told him I loved him through my other blog.  He read a post, and he said that he loved me this weekend.  He’s a really good guy.  He tells me everything that he’s thinking and we can sit and talk all day. We’re just really, really lucky to be in love. We celebrated 4(or was it 5? I’m bad at counting) months together.

I’m growing stronger in my faith, and I think that helps me mentally.  It also helped me to say that I don’t care what other people think of me, as long as I’m doing the right thing.  It’s hard to say that when you’ve depended on people’s opinions in your life, but I’m confident that I can get to that mindframe right now.

I read this letter that my past self wrote about a year back, and he told me to stop cutting.  It didn’t say why or how, but it just said to stop cutting.  So, that’s what I plan on doing.  From this day on, I’m going to try to stop cutting.  Well, I’m going to stop self-harming, too: mentally, physically, emotionally…. I’m going to stop.

That’s about all I really have to talk about.


I am happy to report that I’m not hallucinating anymore thanks to my current meds and instructions to take them. I’m working a lot these days and am really busy. My boyfriend and I are closer than ever. 

This is just a quick update. Nothing special.  

Work is Depressing Me.

I want to quit working.  I was doing so good, but as always, someone had to go and ruin the experience for me.  She’s a bully, and she treats me different than anyone else.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m one of those people that are an “Obvious Christian” — you know, I don’t normally swear, drink, smoke… That kind of thing — or if it’s because I act proper.  (Let’s just say that the place I work involves people being illiterate and such.)

She yelled at me and treated me with disrespect.  I don’t know why, but she did.  It affected me yesterday (You know, my mood changes rapidly) and today.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to go to school.  I didn’t want to live, really.  With my sibling and my mother arguing, that made me feel a lot worse than when I did.  I want to cry so bad, but where do you go and cry when you have to listen to important lectures…?

I think I want to search for another job.  I don’t like working fast food anyways.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s too stressful, and I almost had panic attacks at times.  I need something slower and more routine-oriented than fast food.  I’ve only had this job for a month, and I need to move on.

Update as of April 18th 2015

I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t care as much.

I’m pissed with my “friends,” so I blocked them on social media.  I haven’t talked to them since God knows how long.  I’m thinking about writing poetry about them, because after all, so many people love my poetry when it involves personal pain.  I’ve been thinking about smoking and have had dreams about it, even though I haven’t picked a cigarette up to smoke it.

The only reason I’ve attended church is to socialize.  That’s where I can find my real friends and my boyfriend.  It stinks, but I’ve lost my connection with God.  You know, I don’t mean a hallucination telling me what to do.  I mean, I’ve lost my spiritual connection, and because of that, I’m tempted to go back to paganism and into a Buddhist philosophy.  People at church wouldn’t know the difference anyways.

I feel like the only person that isn’t against me in this world is my boyfriend.  He’s really supportive, and he’s pretty nice.  I fall in love with him more and more every single day.  I’m just scared of losing him.  If I lose him, then I have no reason to live, and then I’ll be suicidal and may attempt or succeed in my attempt.

The resperidone decrease isn’t so bad so far.  It’s been about a week, and I haven’t had any headaches.  I’m taking .5 milligrams in the day, and .5 at night.  The only complaint I have about it is that I can’t tell if I’m hungry.  Yesterday, I went through the day with just a banana and a small serving of peaches, but up until after my shift at work, when I ate some fish.   But other than that, my moods have gotten better.  I know that sometimes, the meds take a while to work, but I feel like it’s working already.

I feel no motivation for school.  I hate it and its environment all of the sudden.  All I feel is loneliness, and that’s all I think I can feel there.  I just don’t like school.  My grades are slipping because of my mental health, and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know?  It’s my fault that I’m not turning in assignments, and it’s my fault that there’s no one that understands me.  I know that’s not true, but I believe them to be true.

That’s all I can write about.  Maybe I’ll just treat myself with some love today.  That’s all I can do, right?

Untitled Poetry

I want to turn my brain off right now.
I’m either emotionless or overly-emotional.
I get so happy, then sad, then angry…

I want to turn my brain off.
I’m tired of hearing and seeing things.
I’m tired of thinking things that aren’t true.

I want to turn my brain off for a moment.
I am tired of the ups and downs.
I just want to be normal.


Updating you guys on things.

I have to keep updating because I promised someone that I would update this blog as much as possible.  I hate breaking promises, so here I am.

I worked yesterday, and that was fun.  I just forgot to smile.  Well, it’s hard to smile, and that might be due to schizophrenic tendencies taking over with the flat expression.  That sucks, you know?  I didn’t ring the orders up wrong for the first time, and it was a stress-free environment. That’s always something to be grateful for, especially when there’s a boss that I don’t care for.

I had another outburst yesterday.  I was checking the schedule when the manager told me not to and to clean something else instead.  I went through a period of pent-up anger, and then I got anxious.  Afterwards, I got depressed and felt like crying.  After an hour, I was fine.

I googled my symptoms — in the form of “unstable moods 1-2 times a week, anxious, anger, and depression” — and found out that it happens to have the same characteristics as Borderline Personality Disorder.  Now, I don’t want to speculate on this, but that was the disorder that I learned so much about in abnormal psych. I’m going to be working with my psychiatrist on this a whole lot more.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to cut this short.  Someone I know is near me, and I don’t want them seeing this blog post.

Today’s appointment…

…Went better than I thought it would.  I saw my psychiatrist, and he was thrilled that I lost 6 pounds, have a job, and have no need to take insulin anymore.  He called them “major improvements.”

I told him about my symptoms of Saturday and how they involved anger, anxiety, and extreme suicidal thoughts.  He wants to switch up my decreased version of risperidone: one .5 tablet twice a day.   I can see it in his expression that he was curious about another diagnosis that I recently learned about in class.  I’m not going to say it because it’s possible that I don’t have it.  Still, I could tell that he is curious about it.

He wanted to relieve my symptoms, and he contemplated putting me on Lithium, which I’ve only heard a handful of times from a blogger’s URL and an Evanescence song.  He also considered putting me on an antidepressant, but the Abilify takes care of my depression as is.  It’d also make me gain lots of weight, and considering I just lost 6 pounds and I’m still overweight, that would be bad.

So, he stuck with risperidone instead, and he didn’t mind doing that.

At this point, I don’t care if he diagnoses me with anything else.  I don’t care, and it’s because I’m just myself.  If seeing things and having radical mood swings is me, then I’m not going to change myself or wish that I was someone else because of it.  I was made this way, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.