Hello, all. Time to fill you guys in on what has been happening. So, expect a long list of things that have to do with my life. I haven’t forgotten about this blog, but I was in a dark place, blah, blah….
- I am no longer in contact with that ex, and I quit my job. The reason why I quit my job is…
- … I am dissociating quite often. It got so bad that I became extremely depressed and slept a lot. But it’s okay because….
- …. I have a new psychiatrist that increased my antidepressant that seems to help, which….
- …. The love of my life is so happy that I’m happy. I met him online, and we met in November and started dating in December. I was so scared about falling in love so deeply, but we both felt a huge attraction to each other. That led to….
- … My engagement. Yes. I’m hoping to get married next year, but I need to stop being bridezilla. The engagement happened when we were drunk, but I feel as happy about it as I did I was drunk. OH….
- …. I forgot to tell you guys that I’ve been experimenting with alcohol and other substances. I find that they actually improve my mental health rather than destroy it.
Those are the most major updates I can think of right now. I have not had coffee yet. I need to wake up. Plus, I have errands to do and I get to see my fiancé today… lots of things going on. But, I’m happy.
After my dad dying, my grandmother is going to die of cancer. We talked to home care yesterday, and we set up when they’re going to be coming. I just…. I feel numb.
So, I can’t keep my hands still. Why is that? I have been writing like crazy. I am not manic. I just forgot how much I enjoy writing…
But I rediscovered it, and I want to enter contests based on writing, and I just…
I’m happy. I’m happy I’m doing creative writing in the fall. I’m so….
And he made me feel like shit.
But I don’t care…. I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion. I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist. I’m going to become a Mormon. I’m going to live my life. No one is going to hold me back.
Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.
Yes, I’m doing a little better. The only thing that I can’t stop is binging. I just don’t want to stop…
So far I’ve eaten 12-15 cookies within 12 hours. I feel like shit. So, I hate it, but I feel the need to purge… So I’ve got some laxative tea, and I’m thinking about drinking a couple of cups of it. I know, I shouldn’t…. But still. I can’t help but think about being thin. It’s an obsession.
What to do, what to do…
I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff. She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone. Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness? Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed? Why must I take my medicine?
Well, I have to take it in order to survive. I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.
The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn. I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to. It’d be an addiction for me. It’s a ritual for me.
I have to take a shower after I cut. I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel…. I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again. It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.
This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…
So, I can’t stand fighting. So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting. And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.
I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days. Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy. And they don’t talk to me after that…
I’m sick of people. I’m depressed and I just want to cry. I hate life right now.
So, I talked to my prescriber today. She seemed to be dressed in blue. Anyways, I told her that I’ve had some hallucinations, and I’ve also brought up this new symptom.
I’ve been stuttering and my grammar structure has been off. She has no idea what has been happening. There’s 2 possibilities, but I’m not saying anything until we figure this out.
I was also talking to a coworker yesterday, and they said that they were a drug addict, but is in recovery. I have utmost respect for them, and I shared my struggles with them regarding my schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. They were kind of shocked and felt bad for me, but I assured them that I am better and happy and such. I just feel…
I feel relieved that I’m not the only one taking an antidepressant at work. I don’t feel like a freak anymore. This is the feeling that I have been wanting: the feeling of belonging.
How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?
I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me… She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart. She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that. Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.
In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A. I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up. We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised. Still, I really wish that I could talk to A. Haha….
He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen. Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours. Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.