Dating With Schizoaffective Disorder

So, I decided to talk to you guys about dating while having schizoaffective disorder.  It’s coming up because I think this guy has a huge crush on me, and I feel like…  I don’t really feel attracted to him.  So, anyways, let’s just get into it.

I’m pretty much going to break this down into 2 parts: Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder.

Schizophrenia 

This is kind of freaky, but if I date someone, I find out that they become an auditory hallucination.  It’s very scary, especially when I had a huge crush on C.  (That’s my ex, okay?)  I also had a visual hallucination when I had a crush on C, and he was dressed in black and purple.  He hated me, so…. Yeah.

Bipolar Disorder 

So, when I start every relationship, I tend to do it impulsively.  Anyone else with Bipolar Disorder have this issue?  Let me know in the comments below.  Anyways, I do this quite a lot…  I was worse when I was unmedicated. When I get depressed, I also shut the other person out or complain too much.  It really stinks.

Now, imagine combining them together.  It can be a make-or-break situation.  One thing I let potential partners know is that I do have mental illnesses and let them know that not all the time will be filled with rainbows.  They usually understand but then they also don’t pay it any attention because I’m functioning at a normal rate.  Then when we get further into a relationship, they understand that there’s something not right with the chemicals in my brain.  So yeah.

Just thought I’d share this experience with you.

Advertisements

Maybe I’m Biting Off More Than I Can Chew.

But I don’t care….  I’m going to go and become the person that I want to be… I’m going to work 25 hours and I’m (hopefully) getting a promotion.  I’m also going to school and I’m going to be a journalist.  I’m going to become a Mormon.  I’m going to live my life.  No one is going to hold me back.

Yes, I’m depressed from one time to another, but I feel like as long as I keep busy, I can do this.

The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!

 

Panic Attacks.

I had a panic attack at church today. (Yes, I have to go to church, but I find that some of the sermons help me as well.) You want to know why?

My boyfriend’s brother (mind you, the both of them live about 2 hours away) had appeared in the church I attend.  I assumed that he brought my boyfriend along.  Then, I panicked because of my relapses (I relapsed again, but it wasn’t all that bad), then I realized I had no control over the situation…  So I entered a state of panic and like I smothered myself in the crowd of people that was there.

So, what really kind of set me off was being guilty that I cut and that my boyfriend could have possibly been there. I’m still really anxious, and I’m still freaking out about it, but considering I’ve taken my anxiety meds today and doubled them because I needed it, I’m not supposed to freak out.

It’s scaring me now, and I don’t know what to do.  I also figured that I was hallucinating again, and it was just all me. I’m not sure if I’m going insane, but I’m really scared. I don’t know.