Details, details.

I was on my phone and I couldn’t write a lot because my phone was a dingle-muffin (welcome to my new method of swearing).  So, I decided to make a post explaining in detail what happened at the psychiatrist’s office today.  It was something that was a lot of information, but I needed to hear some things.

Right now, I’m currently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder NOS and something called undifferentiated schizophrenia.  Thanks to my rad research skills, I decided to look it up and give a definition with you guys.  It’s when someone experiences some of the symptoms of schizophrenia, like hallucinations and disorganized speaking in my case, but they do not meet the criteria of an actual schizophrenic category.  Now… Let’s get to the Schizoaffective part of things.

I’ve heard that Schizoaffective Disorder occurs when someone has both traits of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but doesn’t meet the criteria for both of them.  I was also told by my psychiatrist that “schizoaffective” was a very good description of what my diagnosis was.

Now that I found out I’ve got schizoaffective disorder, I’m considering getting my tubes tied or something like that.  I don’t want my offspring having schizoaffective disorder, and I sure don’t want them to go through the hell I once went through.  I’ve been considering this for a long time, and I really want to do this.  I know I’m only 19, but this is for the best.  Besides, I want a couple of dogs as my children.

As for the medicine, I’m scared.  If he’s cutting the Risperidal in half, then that means that I could very well hallucinate. I could see Thayer again, which I don’t mind him, but the other hallucinations — Danielle, the Evil Boyfriend, and Tristan — are going to be trouble if they pop up again.  I’ve been hearing Thayer already, but I’ve heard him only for one day. Still, I’m scared.  I’m really, really scared.

The thing I’m a little nervous about is that I have to tell my boyfriend that I have schizophrenic traits, and though he knows I hallucinated in the past, he doesn’t know that I’ve been formally diagnosed with schizophrenia. So, I’ve gotten better on trusting him and knowing he wouldn’t leave me when things get tough.  Still, I’m wondering what he’ll say in response.  He might want to just hug me.  It’s not my fault my brain is like that; the doctor said so.

I just can’t believe I’m schizophrenic.  I mean, my grandfather was one, and I thought that there was only a 12% chance that I would be schizophrenic as well.  I guess I got that 12% gene in me.  And it’s hard.  It’s really hard.  I have to hide my mental health from my family.  Once they hear the “Schizo” part, they’ll think that I’ll jump off a second story balcony and run and scream that people are out to get me (That happened to my grandfather, by the way).  I don’t think people understand how horrid it is when you have some schizophrenic traits. You see and hear things that you don’t want to see and hear.  You have some trouble getting out words.  (It would be apparent if you heard me talk; I tend to type a lot better.)  Sometimes, you get paranoid delusions….

It’s not fun.

But let me stop babbling.  I just wanted to get some things off of my chest.