Empty threats and more.

Posted in bipolar disorder, depression, Mental Illness by

I feel like I’m such a monster.  I had a twitter… Emphasis on had.  It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel.  Always.  So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today.  And you know, they ignored me.  So, I got mad…  And they ignored me.  So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying.  They couldn’t have replied fast enough.

They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts.  I feel like they deserve that.  They won’t text me, though.  I’m sure of that.  They’re too fucking busy talking to each other.  Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend.  I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.

So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost.  I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut.  But I have to hold in my emotions.

My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now.  She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there.  I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization.  It’d scare me and cause me anxiety.  I just don’t know.  Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.

I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it.  Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty.  No one else has…

6 thoughts on “Empty threats and more.”

      • Most of my support comes from my church. There are limitations that way ie most of them don’t “get” mental illness, but they “get” loneliness and inertia and a need for encouragement. I have found a very good friend there and my Pastor helps me find things in the Bible that build me up. Jesus is not judgmental or confused so He helps me too. Family is superficially supportive (we had broken relationships that are still not mended all the way) I have a very BFF that I met when I sought help in a very big way so there’s something to be said for asking for help. What I’ve learned is that when I seek the help I need, the support and friends are already there. When I don’t do that I am just in my own head, which can be a very bad neighborhood. 😦 I don’t know if this all helps. Anyway we can all be there for each other with this blog community too. It helps me SO MUCH when people relate to something I have said, and vice versa! Ok shutting up now lol

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      • That’s okay, I like input.

        I do have some sort of support group at church. It’s made up of those with bipolar disorder, Asperger’s, depression, and a whole lot more. It’s a safe space for me, But, I don’t have much access to them until I start traveling and chaperoning teens.

        I am only reduced to just having 1 friend, and that can be pretty awkward at times, but he’s there for me, and he’s part of the support group at church. I could try talking to him and see where it goes.

        I don’t talk to my family about my mental health much; just my meds. But yeah, this community and the group at church are all I really have, and it’s kind of odd for me.

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  2. I just stumbled across your blog and you sound like some of your symptoms are like mine. For example I feel dead on the inside not sure if you feel the same way or anything but I can tell you it’s a strange feeling. The best advice I can give you is stay strong, everything will get better. I try and keep that thought in my mind when ever I feel down.

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    • It’s not like a dead inside feeling; it’s more of a numb feeling that bugs me. But it’s about the same idea. I’ll try to stay strong and wait for everything to get better. It’s hard to keep that in mind sometimes, but I’ll try to.

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