I feel like I’m such a monster. I had a twitter… Emphasis on had. It’s because 2 of my friends are getting close, and I’ve always been a 3rd wheel. Always. So I felt like that again, and I told them that I felt depressed today. And you know, they ignored me. So, I got mad… And they ignored me. So, I kind of told them that I shouldn’t exist, implying that I was suicidal, and trust me, today is a day that I wouldn’t mind dying. They couldn’t have replied fast enough.
They’ve ignored me for a while, so I deleted my twitter and plan on ignoring their texts. I feel like they deserve that. They won’t text me, though. I’m sure of that. They’re too fucking busy talking to each other. Now, I’m sure that I’ve been reduced to one friend, and that would be my boyfriend. I’m really bad at keeping friends, in case you couldn’t tell.
So, I have no more support system, and I feel so lost. I feel like no one cares about me right now, and I feel like I want to cut. But I have to hold in my emotions.
My mom thought that she was going to have to hospitalize me because of my depression. I can’t let her think that I’m suicidal now. She’d bring me to a hospital and let me rot in there. I don’t think I can deal with hospitalization. It’d scare me and cause me anxiety. I just don’t know. Part of me wants to be safe in there, but then people would ask where I was, and what happened… No one would let me get away with it.
I don’t know. All I know is that the emptiness is more noticeable and I hate it. Half of my depression hasn’t gone away as well, and it’s stressing me out. I wonder if this doctor I’m seeing will take me seriously when I say I feel empty. No one else has…