I am borderline psychotic.

I can feel myself trying to slip, but the abilify is making it to where I can’t slip.  I’m not hallucinating anymore, and I do think it was a withdrawal symptom.  I was hearing things and now I’m not.  I’m not seeing things.  I’m taking painkillers to keep the headache away because it’s too unbearable without the meds.

I’ve been relaxing and thinking.  I think I’m going to write my boyfriend a lengthy letter telling him how much he means to me.  I sometimes forget that he said that he’d be with me, no matter how mentally unstable I’d end up.  He’s very supportive and he has a big heart, and that’s why I fell for him.

Anyways, I’m at a place to where I want to do something nice and loving for people.  I think it’s the best time and I’ve reached a nirvana of some sort.  Maybe it’s the borderline psychotic thing I’m having, but I feel more peaceful.  I feel at ease after what happened this morning.  I love this feeling.  I love it to bits.

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Things I Haven’t Talked About

Hey, so I thought I’d enter in a 3rd blog.  I’m pretty hypomanic since school started, and this is kind of good in my opinion. That way, I can get some writing done.  Anyways, I was reading about mental illness, and I thought that I’d share some things that I have noticed in the past, have gotten slightly better, but is still there.  I have no idea if it’s something else, but I am willing to document and see.

Fear of Abandonment

I am afraid that every person I know in life is going to abandon me at some point. When I found out I may be schizoaffective, I took it really hard. It’s because I pictured my boyfriend and my family just up and abandoning me. I still feel as though they’ll leave if it comes out, which is why I’m keeping this between me and my therapist as of right now.

Identity Disturbance

Half of the time, I question my sexuality.  Am I really an asexual person or am I bisexual? Perhaps I’m pansexual. All I know is that I’m something other than straight. Maybe I want to be a nurse. Nope. Now I want to be a psychology major. Maybe a human services major will suit me more.  The list goes on and on. I don’t know how to react to these thoughts, but I’m kind of wondering if it is something else.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Ever since I’ve gotten bumped up to 2 milligrams of Risperidal, I felt like myself… Except I found out quickly that myself involved some form of emptiness. Sometimes, I’ll laugh… Out of emptiness.  I’ll cry… And feel empty.  I’ll feel anxious… but empty. It’s weird.

Antisocial Behavior/Favorite person 1 minute, hate them the next?

Now, this is something.  I try to avoid people as much as possible.  When I do have to talk, I tend to enjoy it a lot.  Once you get me talking, it’s like you can’t make me stop. But, for the most part, I’ve limited contact to my immediate family and a couple of friends, 3 at the most. Even then, I don’t feel like engaging with them unless they engage with me. If they don’t engage with me, and then they go and talk to another person, I feel left out.  Then I say that I don’t need them and that they’re not worth my time.  It’s really hard to explain.

These are things that I’m noticing as well, but I’m not sure if these are crucial for my switch in diagnosis. Maybe someone else with schizoaffective disorder can relate to this.  If they can’t, then that may mean something for my diagnosis…

First Day of Classes, Specifically Abnormal Psych. {Trigger Warning}

Hey, guys! I just got done with my classes for today, and this is my first day back.  I survived, so that’s really good.  But I wanted to talk about my opinion about a class that I’m taking: Abnormal Psychology.  I wanted to learn more about my mental illness (whatever that is now) and pay attention to some of my own behaviors and compare it to the textbook.

Now, I am really anxious about this class. It’s not because the coursework is a little on the heavy side.  It’s the topics.  The teacher mentioned self-harm today.  I wasn’t triggered by it, but I did feel a little uncomfortable.  “Dangerous behaviors may indicate a mental disorder,” he said.  “It’s obvious if someone’s cutting themselves that they are a danger to themselves.  It’s easy to spot.”

Then, I retorted in my mind, “Yeah, sure, but some of us don’t let others see it on our wrists.  Some of us do it on our ankles, legs… Some places that can only be seen in intimate situations.”  What bothers me about this teacher is that he kind of assumes that all people injure themselves in the same way: With a razor, on their wrist, X amount of times.  That sounds rude.

And then, on top of that, he said that if anyone has any experiences, they can share them with the class.  I would love to share as I do online… But to have a lot of people look at you in a different light when you already have some social anxiety isn’t going to help me.  Having people say, “Oh, she hallucinates, so she must be a psychopath” isn’t going to help me.  People will more than likely psychoanalyze you if you share about your disorder.  That’s how people in my age group work…

I thought I was going to have a fun time in this class, and I don’t want to drop it.  It’s a GPA booster for me.  But I must say, this whole experience made me dissociate (like, blank out dissociate as in actual dissociation) for some of the class. I just hope people don’t criticize my disorder.  The whole situation may be awkward.

What’s happening to me?

I decided to stop talking about the hallucinations for a little bit. It’s kind of negative after a while, but I really wanted to talk more about my mental health and what the heck is happening to me. Like I said, I am on the borderline of being diagnosed as schizoaffective. Right now, I have a mood disorder (bipolar) and, according to the doctors, a psychotic disorder.

Now, there is a very likely chance that I’m going to be rediagnosed (for like the 2nd time in a year) as schizoaffective. My thought behind it is that schizophrenia does run in my family. Like, there was an entire generation of schizophrenics at one point.

My therapist and my nurse kind of were also worried that a new symptom emerge. Sometimes, I hear someone (it’s Thayer, for those who have kept up with me) keeping up some commentary. It’s not all the time, but hell, it’s kind of frequent. It’s nothing to hear Thayer kind of mutter that he thinks a girl is attractive or if this person is faking something…

So, because of this new symptom (combined with the auditory/visual hallucinations, and the disorganized speech), it’s been thought that I’m starting to develop schizophrenia along with my bipolar disorder. And, I mean, bipolar + schizophrenia/psychotic disorder = schizoaffective disorder.

I’ve just been preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I’m also going to see a doctor the next time my meds will be adjusted(?). Then, I will know what my diagnosis is.

I know this post isn’t so appealing to read, but I’m just trying to talk myself through this whole thing. It’s the only way I can process it…

Introduction/Schizoaffective?

Hey there!

I would like to be referred as Kayla, and this is my mental journal. I was told that I should track my moods, and writing about them is the best way to go about it.  I’m 19, and I’m attending college. I’m in my 2nd year, and I’m going on my 4th semester. I’m a writer as well as a reader.  I can draw cartoony things….

Oh, yeah, and I’m diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder NOS and a psychotic disorder NOS. I’ve been told that I’m just about there to being schizoaffective, meaning that I’d have a mood disorder & Schizophrenia.  Isn’t that nice? (If you couldn’t hear the sarcasm through that sentence, you must really need to work on you sarcasm skills, ok?)

I hear voices, and sometimes I see things — well, they’re based around characters that I’ve created. I’ve also had disorganized speech. Here’s an example of that:

We’re going to the store now. It’s kind of far away. We should be there in like 20 minutes. But, yeah, I’m going to the store now.

That is only an example, and not really the best.  Sometimes, my order of words will be questionable, and I can blab on and on. But besides that, I have depressive and manic episodes, just like bipolar disorder.

So, I not only have to deal with this schizoaffective disorder, I have to hide it from my family. I had a grandfather who had Schizophrenia, and they treated him different than from the rest of the family… I wouldn’t want that happening to me, so I plan on keeping it hidden. (That and when I told my mom that I was bipolar, she flipped out. So, I don’t bother telling her anything else regarding my mental health.)

My boyfriend doesn’t know, but he said that he would stay with me, no matter how insane I am. He’s pretty cool with it, but I’m not sure if he can handle my issues on top of his bipolar disorder. Anyways, he’s supportive and has helped me when I first developed psychotic symptoms, so I think he’s in this for the long haul.

I have a friend that is schizoaffective as well, so I can lean on him in times of support as well.

But yeah, this has been my life for quite a while now. I’m not sure if the 3 mgs of Risperidal will help me with the hallucinations, or if they’ll still be there…. If not, they’ll officially diagnose me with Schizoaffective disorder.

So, I guess it’s the end of this post.

Bye.