I am borderline psychotic.

I can feel myself trying to slip, but the abilify is making it to where I can’t slip.  I’m not hallucinating anymore, and I do think it was a withdrawal symptom.  I was hearing things and now I’m not.  I’m not seeing things.  I’m taking painkillers to keep the headache away because it’s too unbearable without the meds.

I’ve been relaxing and thinking.  I think I’m going to write my boyfriend a lengthy letter telling him how much he means to me.  I sometimes forget that he said that he’d be with me, no matter how mentally unstable I’d end up.  He’s very supportive and he has a big heart, and that’s why I fell for him.

Anyways, I’m at a place to where I want to do something nice and loving for people.  I think it’s the best time and I’ve reached a nirvana of some sort.  Maybe it’s the borderline psychotic thing I’m having, but I feel more peaceful.  I feel at ease after what happened this morning.  I love this feeling.  I love it to bits.

31 Days of Bipolar – Days 1and 2

I found the questions here.

I’ve seen a lot of people doing this, so I decided to go and do this just for something to blog about. Besides, it could be fun, and I haven’t done a meme thing in quite a long time, so… Without further ado, here is day 1.

1. What flavour of bipolar are you? What does your diagnosis mean to you?

Oh, what flavor am I? I’d like to say strawberry, but since it has to do with bipolar, I am Bipolar Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified). There is a possibility that I could have Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features, but they still have not said if I have this or if I have schizoaffective disorder.

My diagnosis means that I have extreme ups and downs. I have a problem managing my moods, and that’s ok. It also means that I’m a creative individual and that I’m not ordinary.  That’s fine with me because ordinary is boring to me. I mean, other than that, it means nothing to me, really.

2. What is your baseline mood/state? How does that impact your life?

So, I actually had to think about this one. Given recent events, though, I think my baseline mood is depressive.  The reason why is because even though the psychosis is gone, I still have lingering depression. My depression has always been more intense than my mania as well.

My depression impacts my life socially, not academically or physically. I don’t feel like I want to talk to others. I’ve been very withdrawn with it. It’s caused me to self-harm to take the pain away. In the past, I have been known to switch religions based on my moods, with mania being related to Christianity and depression related to Paganism. I can’t tell you why, but it has been. I’m also very stingy when it comes to spending money, and I’m more helpful when I’m depressed.

Depression affects my life in a lot more ways, but I can’t think about all of them now. So, that’s been days 1 and 2.

Hallucinations and the Like {Trigger Warning}

I must say, I’m getting annoyed with my mind. I’m hoping that the new dose of risperidal will kick in soon. If it doesn’t, I’m gonna continue to get worse, and now, there’s another hallucination or 2 that have popped up. I’m scared, frankly…

The first one is singing.  Yes, singing, especially of spiritual hymns.  I thought I was thinking it until I realized it came out of nowhere and it was extremely vivid.  It’s scaring me, given the fact that I haven’t gone to church in 2 weeks. I don’t know if it appears if I miss church or if it gets worse because of church.

The other one is one that was weak before. Thayer kept fighting that one off, so to speak.  This one is a female that criticizes what I eat, every single time I’ve eaten. If I eat too much for its standards, it wants me to go into the bathroom and purge what just went down my throat.  It wants me to starve, and it’s obsessed with me losing weight. I’m scared of it, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not going to lie to you, hurting myself has made them go away for about 3 days.  Maybe 4.  I’m starting to wonder if I should hurt myself so that they’ll stop.  People say that I shouldn’t, but no one knows what I’m going through.  I hate living in fear like this.

I don’t want to self-harm anymore.  The last time I did, I left 2 scars on my skin, which is new for me to do.  But… I might have to. I’m just really conflicted, and I’m scared, and I don’t know any good coping skills.  If someone could help me — anyone — I’d appreciate it.

What’s happening to me?

I decided to stop talking about the hallucinations for a little bit. It’s kind of negative after a while, but I really wanted to talk more about my mental health and what the heck is happening to me. Like I said, I am on the borderline of being diagnosed as schizoaffective. Right now, I have a mood disorder (bipolar) and, according to the doctors, a psychotic disorder.

Now, there is a very likely chance that I’m going to be rediagnosed (for like the 2nd time in a year) as schizoaffective. My thought behind it is that schizophrenia does run in my family. Like, there was an entire generation of schizophrenics at one point.

My therapist and my nurse kind of were also worried that a new symptom emerge. Sometimes, I hear someone (it’s Thayer, for those who have kept up with me) keeping up some commentary. It’s not all the time, but hell, it’s kind of frequent. It’s nothing to hear Thayer kind of mutter that he thinks a girl is attractive or if this person is faking something…

So, because of this new symptom (combined with the auditory/visual hallucinations, and the disorganized speech), it’s been thought that I’m starting to develop schizophrenia along with my bipolar disorder. And, I mean, bipolar + schizophrenia/psychotic disorder = schizoaffective disorder.

I’ve just been preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I’m also going to see a doctor the next time my meds will be adjusted(?). Then, I will know what my diagnosis is.

I know this post isn’t so appealing to read, but I’m just trying to talk myself through this whole thing. It’s the only way I can process it…

Hallucination 2: Tristan {Trigger Warning}

So, I decided to write about Tristan. Tristan is a hallucination that looks similar to Thayer, but he has longer hair and appears to look slightly more feminine. He’s also shorter too —  about 5’9″.  I do not like Tristan. He’s the worst hallucination I have… Well, one of the worst.

Like Thayer, Tristan started out like a character. I don’t remember how he got a voice, but I couldn’t only hear and see him there. I could feel him there. He wouldn’t talk to me, he would scream at me.  He’d tell me that I was worthless and that I was one of the worst people to ever live.  He told me that it’d be nice if I killed myself, then proceeded to tell me how many pills to take or where I should cut deep and how to go about it.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night and deciding to go to the bathroom. Tristan appeared right behind me and he started screaming in my ear. “You think you’ll escape me? You’ll never escape me.” He continued to scream and swear at me until I closed the door in the bathroom. I was so close to having a panic attack.

The worst part was that I believed it after a while.  I was so anxious and depressed. I started hurting myself just to keep him away. It wasn’t lightly harming either.  At one point, I had 100 cuts on my body, and some of them left scars. The last time I heard him was the last time I hurt myself. After I did that, I faintly heard him saying “I’m so proud of you.”

You can see why I really don’t like Tristan. He’s very disturbing to me, and just thinking about him makes my eyes water. I suppose that not all hallucinations can be sunshine and rainbows.


Hey there!

I would like to be referred as Kayla, and this is my mental journal. I was told that I should track my moods, and writing about them is the best way to go about it.  I’m 19, and I’m attending college. I’m in my 2nd year, and I’m going on my 4th semester. I’m a writer as well as a reader.  I can draw cartoony things….

Oh, yeah, and I’m diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder NOS and a psychotic disorder NOS. I’ve been told that I’m just about there to being schizoaffective, meaning that I’d have a mood disorder & Schizophrenia.  Isn’t that nice? (If you couldn’t hear the sarcasm through that sentence, you must really need to work on you sarcasm skills, ok?)

I hear voices, and sometimes I see things — well, they’re based around characters that I’ve created. I’ve also had disorganized speech. Here’s an example of that:

We’re going to the store now. It’s kind of far away. We should be there in like 20 minutes. But, yeah, I’m going to the store now.

That is only an example, and not really the best.  Sometimes, my order of words will be questionable, and I can blab on and on. But besides that, I have depressive and manic episodes, just like bipolar disorder.

So, I not only have to deal with this schizoaffective disorder, I have to hide it from my family. I had a grandfather who had Schizophrenia, and they treated him different than from the rest of the family… I wouldn’t want that happening to me, so I plan on keeping it hidden. (That and when I told my mom that I was bipolar, she flipped out. So, I don’t bother telling her anything else regarding my mental health.)

My boyfriend doesn’t know, but he said that he would stay with me, no matter how insane I am. He’s pretty cool with it, but I’m not sure if he can handle my issues on top of his bipolar disorder. Anyways, he’s supportive and has helped me when I first developed psychotic symptoms, so I think he’s in this for the long haul.

I have a friend that is schizoaffective as well, so I can lean on him in times of support as well.

But yeah, this has been my life for quite a while now. I’m not sure if the 3 mgs of Risperidal will help me with the hallucinations, or if they’ll still be there…. If not, they’ll officially diagnose me with Schizoaffective disorder.

So, I guess it’s the end of this post.