On this Memorial Day…

I decided to chat about the deaths that we’ve had in our family so far.  And I have a lot of family, both “online” (my friends) and blood relatives.  Let’s see if I can try to talk about death and stuff.

The first person that I remember dying is my uncle.  He was about 50 when he passed away, and I was the one person in the family that chose not to see him prior to that.  He was conscious at the time, and I still refused to see him.  It was because at that age, I got these feelings that something was going to happen and they did; I had a feeling that he was going to die, so I thought it’d be less painful to stay away from him.

The last memory I have of him was him asking me if I wanted a brown pear.  It’s weird how I said no.  I was scared that the pear was dirty and it needed to be washed off first.  He reassured me it was only the type of peach that was brown.  Still, I didn’t take it.  After his death, it took me until recently to be able to enjoy pears without crying.  I look back on that last memory, and I should’ve taken the pear.  I know it’s stupid to say, but I think that it’d be a better memory if I just did that.

My grandfather was a recent death, only passing away 1 year and a half ago.  I was closer to him, so I felt more pain with his death.  He was schizophrenic, but still, we had a lot of fun with him.  I know he had a rough life, but that life got rough as he passed away.  It was because of cancer.  He had it for the 3rd time and decided that he wasn’t going to take chemo anymore.  So, it was a slow death, and I watched him waste away in the comfort of my own home.

He told me to pray about things, and I think that’s the reason why I’m still a Christian.  Those were his last words to me.  The last memory I have of him is him in a body bag, being whisked away to God knows where. I’m still not over that death, and I know I’m bottling up some emotions with it, but that’s how I operate.  I don’t know why I do it, but that’s why I’m having trouble with my moods.  It took me a year to pick up the book The Fault In Our Stars, seeing as it deals with the subject of cancer.

There are other things, like the death of a teenager named Andrew.  He committed suicide, and the whole school was in a state of shock.  People cried, and there were grief counselors everywhere, and someone even instituted teenagers helping other teenagers.  That program still goes on today.

The point is, this is a time to remember those we lost: family members, those in the army, even those who died because they felt that that was the only way out.  I want to challenge you to be thankful for the time you had with people that you were close to.

Sorry I made such a sad post.  I wanted to make myself talk about it because I need to make progress while my therapist is on vacation.  I want to tell her about it so she doesn’t think that I’m slacking off.

Grieving and Cyberbullying.

So, I should get this off of my chest.  Someone I knew died today.  It hurts me because he was a loving and caring person and he had the whole world ahead of him.  He was only 21.

If I were off of my medication, I would say that it’s my fault, that I should’ve helped him, even though he was states away.  I’d be crying all day, and it would’ve hurt me.  I barely knew the guy, but I would internalize my sadness and become extremely depressed.  But I still feel sad, and I think that the abilify has helped me so much with my depression; I don’t feel sad enough to really cry, but I’m grieving in a way that’s appropriate for this situation.  I barely knew him = not crying, but sad.

In other news, I have a person that created a twitter just to harass me.  I feel so flattered, you don’t even know.  I was wondering when I’d get one of those trolls.  Now that I got one, I feel like I won an Oscar.  I’m officially an important blog and I don’t care if he said I diagnosed myself.

So, to the person who tried to bully me: I have documentation to prove my theory of being schizoaffective, you imbecile.  I mean, you should also know that everyone is different when it comes to medication.  Therefore, you should stop trying to make it look like I’m claiming to be condescending.  Oh, and by the way, my posts are all over the place because I’m disorganized.  That’s what schizophrenia does to you.  You probably didn’t know that, you little shit.  You’re not bothering me.  You’re just amusing to me.  You amuse me with some stupidity.  So, with that in mind, have a nice day.

As to the people that support me: You guys are like a family to me.  You were there where no one else would listen to me, and you were there when I started to see and hear things.  You were there through all of the meds and diagnoses.  I really love you all, and if I was ever rude to you during those times, I am totally sorry.  I was under so much stress and delusions…

Anyways, that’s it for this post.