What my mom thinks-

Oh, come on, you didn’t let me finish.  It’s not about the meds.  I have a backup plan when it comes to that. It’ll be a little more… Unconventional, but it’ll be fine.  Anyways, you guys know that I’m transgender, and I have not come out to my family or my boyfriend.  My boyfriend would be supportive in everything, even if I wanted to transition. My mom, she wasn’t into transgender people and people who were gay/lesbian/bisexual/whatever…  She’s unknowingly an asexual, but that’s for another blog post.

Anyways, there’s this Soap Opera, and there’s a transgender female on there.  You got to see her struggle to talk to the man she loves about this, and people didn’t accept her.  The owner of a large tabloid company ran these stories attacking her about being transgender, and it may have destroyed her relationship with this loving man who accepts her for who she is.

Meanwhile, my mom’s watching this, and she goes, “That’s sad. This is making me want to cry.  I hope he accepts her.”  Then I pointed out that people go through this every day.  “People get kicked out of their homes.  They get disowned.  They even get killed.”  So my mom says, “I’d never do that to my child.”  So I say a silent “victory” in that moment, and so, I think she’d accept me if I came out of the closet.

Though, I still like wearing makeup and skirts, and she’d probably say, “But you aren’t transgender” for that reason.  But, I talked to someone else that was transgender last year, and he said that “Men can wear skirts and makeup.  You shouldn’t downplay your gender identity just because of that.”  That’s why I still call myself a male.  I have little to no dysphoria, and that’s pretty unusual.  I mean, sometimes, I can’t stand my breasts or my hips (for those who don’t know, I have an hourglass shape) and it’s annoying.  Still, I was made this way, and it doesn’t bother me much.  I’m just kind of weird when it comes to my gender identity.

When it comes to my gender expression, I’m more of a femme male. Like, I identify as a guy, but I wear girls’ clothing for no apparent reason.  My mom is fine with me wearing men’s clothing, and apparently, so is my cousin.  They don’t think it’s weird.  I don’t know what’s holding me back from dressing the part.  I’m thinking it might be my boyfriend saying something.  Maybe I’ll experiment with guys’ clothing and wear an outfit while he’s around and see what happens.

Anyways, I’m 400+ words in, and I don’t want to bore you guys, but that’s about all I want to talk about today. Besides, I haven’t talked about me being transgender in quite a while. I’m also trying to spice up my blog and not limit it to mental health. I don’t know, I think it’d be nice to gain some followers that are interested in all of me rather than just my schizoaffective disorder.


A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Just a little note.

I’ve decided to talk about my hallucinations a little more. The reason is because I might have to deal with them more since my risperidal is cut in half. I figure that I won’t be terrified of them if I talk about them, especially Tristan and Danielle.

It seems sudden, but I think I’m going to describe them and talk about their personalities and such. It’s still odd how the characters I created are now hallucinations, but you know what?  That’s totally fine. At least I know them for the most part.

A Support Group.

No, we don’t have a name.  We are not DBT or CBT-based.  We are just teenagers and a couple of young adults that have mental disorders, and believe it or not, we met in a church setting.  We have a lot of diagnoses in the bunch, ranging from ADHD to Bipolar Disorder (which is common in the group) to DID/Multiple Personality Disorder.

Sometimes at a meal, we sit down, catch up with each other, and talk about the tough parts of having a certain disorder.  I feel like it’s a good thing that we joke around and that we have fun.  We go and we have so many inside jokes.

It’s a really good thing that we have each other.  We were once called the outcasts at church gatherings because we didn’t know what to do or where to go; we didn’t know who would accept us for all of us.  It started about 3 years ago with my boyfriend and I.  We met, and we bonded with each other, and we became each other’s support.  In 2012, the group doubled to 4, and that’s when we had someone with depression come in.  We also had someone with multiple personalities join our group, and that’s when we accepted all of them.  It was also the first time we talked about mental illness, and we found out it was a rather comfortable subject.

In 2013, I met a girl who was diagnosed with depression as well, and she was one of the most amazing people I’d ever met.  She’s like a daughter to me, and there’s an ongoing joke that she is my daughter.  I don’t mind it though.

Then, last year, the group grew to more than double the people we had in 2012, so we have about 10, 11 people in the group now.  I’m proud to say that they’re my group and I can have nothing but joy when I’m with them.  But, yeah, just some positive vibes today.

I’m tired of being negative.

Leibster Award Time!

I’ve been meaning to do this, but I’ve been forgetting it.  Anywho, this is the second award that I’ve been nominated for, and this is making me feel special.  So, a big thank you to bipolarlifebalance for being so kind to nominate me. You’re awesome!


  1. What was the last lie you told?

I think the last lie I’ve told someone is that I’m happy when I’m really not.  It’s complicated.

2. Who is your favourite super hero?

Superhero! Oh my gosh.  I had to think about this one because there are 2 Marvel superheroes that come to mind: Iron Man and Spider-Man. I mean, come on, Peter Parker is a cutie pie, and Tony Stark has a sass level of 10,000.  But, if I had to pick one, I’d pick Iron Man because of the complexity of his character.

3. What was the first book to have a lasting impact on you?

I had to take a day or so to think about this question.  I was a bookworm when I was younger, and I’m trying to get back into reading, but it’s hard with college work piling on.  I do think it was one of 3 books: A Reader’s Digest book, a Magic Tree House book, or Twilight.  Now, the Reader’s Digest book was surprisingly my first book that I read.  I was deaf when I was a toddler, so I taught myself to read lips and words.  I remember sitting there watching how someone’s lips formed on a television and what the word was supposed to be.  So, I read at the age of 3 this huge Reader’s Digest book, and my grandmother freaked out because I read so flawlessly.

I used to be into these Magic Tree House books, and it gave me a sense of adventure.  When I was 3, I would read them and look forward to reading about Jack and Annie traveling to a jungle or on the Titanic.  It made my love of reading grow and that was when I was at the height of my reading binges.

Twilight.  The dreaded Twilight Series.  That was the first book that I read that had vampires in it.  Ever since then, I read a lot of books about vampires, and I love the aesthetic of these vampires.  There’s usually a flaw within them, but I like said flaws, even if a Cullen does sparkle in the sun.  This series is important because it sparked the love of the alternative mindset and the alternative lifestyle onto me.  It’s weird, really.

4. What do you see when you look out your bedroom window?

I see a neighbor’s house, a stop sign, an intersection…. And a whole lot of snow.  I’m in the New England part of the US and we’ve been dealing with cold weather and a lot of snow, so that explains it.

5. What was your goal in creating your blog?

I once saw Jackie, a YouTuber I’m subscribed to, and she basically said that more people with schizoaffective disorder need to speak their mind and raise awareness for the illness.  In January, I was told that I might be schizoaffective, and that was when I was like “I need to raise awareness about this illness.”  So, my goal for this blog is to show that a.) Schizoaffective people aren’t that different from others and b.) to connect with others that may have this disorder so that I could have a support group of some kind.

6. What has surprised you most about having your blog?

I expected to have a couple of blogs following me, but now I have 39 wonderful followers looking forward to my post.  All of them deal with some sort of mental illness, and they’ve helped comfort me when I wasn’t at my best. (Still not at my best, but you know what I mean.)  I didn’t expect all of this support from you guys, to be honest.  It warms my heart.

7. Do you have a best friend? What’s their name?

I do have a best friend.  He’s my boyfriend.  I’d rather not post his real name on here for privacy’s sake, so we can call him… James.  Look at me, being creative and using his common middle name.  I’m such a rebel.

8. Who is your Hollywood crush?

Alright, let’s get this straight.  If you told me British or Korean crush, I wouldn’t hesitate on it, but since it’s American, I am stumped.  I think I’d have to go with Jennifer Lawrence.  She’s really pretty and I love her personality.  Ooh, or Katy Perry.  Those 2 are my favorite, to be honest.

9. If you could choose to be famous OR successful…which would you choose?

I would like to be famous.  The reason is because people would look up to me, and I’d be able to try making a difference in the world.  I’d like to help make people’s day and to talk to them and stuff.  I don’t know, it just sounds like it would be more fun.

10. How do you feel about answering questions like these?

I feel pretty okay with it, but I wouldn’t like to do it too often.  It can get boring, you know…?

I Nominate…



Lazarus and Lithium

I know, I know, I’m supposed to nominate 5 people, but I usually pick 3-5 people that I find interesting and want to know more about.

My Questions

  1. What’s the one song you can’t live without?
  2. Do you have a bad habit? If so, name it.
  3. If you were a color, which hue would you be?
  4. If you could bring a fictional character to life, which one would you pick?
  5. Can you live without technology?
  6. What’s your dream guy/girl/significant other like?
  7. What’s the worst food you’ve had? Describe its taste.
  8. What’s your main hobby?
  9. Do you have any of the stereotypes associated with your zodiac sign?
  10. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal when you were younger?

Just as a note, follow my guideline.  Thank the person that nominated you and answer your questions.  Nominate 5-10 blogs that have less than 200 followers, and link them.  Write 10-11 questions for them to answer, and you’re done.

31 Days of Bipolar – 19 & 20

Now, for those who paid attention, I skipped 18. I didn’t have much to say when it comes to that, so I just skipped it.  That and I have only 2 experiences with the mood stabilizers Depakote, which was hell for anxiety, and Risperidal, which I’m currently on. So, I don’t think I’m that qualified to explain my opinion on number 18. So, onwards to 19!

19. If religion and/or spirituality is a part of your mental health regime: what, how and why?

Religion and spirituality are of major health to me.  I like going to church, seeing as it distracts me from my mental health, and I like praying.  Praying does give me a place to vent and to let it go and leave it up to the Divine.  It makes me realize that I can’t be in control all the time, and it’s a good reminder at times.  I like to learn about religions as well, and it distracts me as well.

As for the spirituality portion, I sometimes meditate.  That helps calm me when I’m in an incredibly anxious spot in my life.  So, before I go to bed, I pop on a podcast of guided meditation, and I lay on my bed and focus on that.  The last time I’ve done that, I just felt the tension ooze out of my body. It left me feel really energized and excellent!

I’ve also been sick, but I’m trying to institute Yoga into my daily life.  I want to do that 5 times a week. It’s helped me feel energized as well, and it focuses on tough positions and breathing. It’s all about just being, just existing into that moment.  It’s another great reminder that I need.  Sometimes, I just need to exist.  It does help with some depression as well, at least from what I remember.  I haven’t felt up to par in a week, so… (As a side note, this is why I’m starting to believe I’m a Buddhist at heart; I connect with yoga, meditation, and the basic principals in said religion, so I might be a Buddhist.)

I also attend these church gatherings known as Youth Rallies.  That’s how I met some of my most nearest and dearest friends. It’s about worshiping and fellowship.  I really love it, and it’s just a vacation from the world for the weekend.  I find a lot of peace and patience there. So, you can see that religion and spirituality helps me quite a lot when it comes to my mental health.

20. Do you consider yourself creative? How do you express that? What piece of work (or whatever is applicable) are you most proud of?

Oh, my gosh.  I consider myself as creative as you can possibly get. I have all of these mediums that I work with.  My favorite to work with is pen and paper, and I love writing.  I got some of my poetry published, and I had an opportunity to make my own book via an author.  I’m much more interested in being an author and not a poet, seeing as though I have at least 3 series (about 10 books total) in my mind that I need to write, but that’s only when I’m mentally better.

Besides writing, I draw.  I had posted a drawing on here, so you can check it out. I draw as a way to pass time, and I find it helps my racing thoughts and helps me process things.  I’ve been seriously drawing since I was six, and I’m self-trained.  I do more of the cartoon-y aspect of things; I’ve never really grown up, so what else do you expect from someone like that?  So, there’s that.

I can crochet, and I’ve currently been learning how to make hats.  I’m just starting out, but I want to be more serious with that. I want to learn how to take knitting more seriously as well, but I need different sizes of needles, lots and looots of yarn, and a whole bunch of patience.  I’ve tried needlepoint, but it wasn’t something that tickles my fancy.  I do like sewing by hand, however, and I want to hand-sew my own clothes in the near future.

More recently, I’m learning how to do photography.  I’m taking a class on it, and so far, it’s going quite well. I’ve taken one picture that I’m proud of, and it’s of a candle that’s lit.  I love it so much.  I might post that later, but I have to make sure my name is on it; I don’t want anyone stealing it.

But yeah.  After a long-winded post, I think I’ve covered everything.  I honestly didn’t expect this to be over 800 words, but I’m in the mood to write today. So, yeah, I hope you guys have a great rest of your day and have a great night!

31 Days of Bipolar – 14 & 15

So, here’s today’s  installment. You know, the installment that is supposed to happen today. This one is all about the past and the future. I’m hoping I don’t get too emotional when it comes to this. Anywho, here’s number 14.

14. What would you say to your younger self if you could?

Oh, gosh, that would be the destroyed 15/16 year old me.  Man, I have to say, I was beyond manic and depressive at that point. I’d have a lot to say to 15/16 year old me.

I’d probably say that harming myself isn’t the answer and it could leave scars, and I’d know that when I was older.  I’d say that some friends aren’t worth the pain, to try and find someone that would love younger me for younger me.  I would tell my younger self to never let go of that scared-looking boy she’d (well at the time, she) see in the corner because that would be her best friend. I’d also say that boys are so not the answer when it comes to happiness, and that the simple things in life can be all you need. I’d say that she needs help and there’s no shame in getting some. I’d tell her to fight for herself – her views, her thoughts, her smiles and everything in between.

I’d tell my younger self that she should question herself and not to be afraid of being LGBT. It’s not as bad as she would think.  I’d tell her to explore religions and not to give in to what her family thinks.  I’d tell her that there’s a point in time where death would hit her again, and I’d tell her that it’s not her fault.  I’d tell her that she was born to be different. I’d hold her and tell her that it’s okay to be different and it’s alright if people don’t understand you because there’d be one person that would in the future.

Gosh, that was hard to type out.

15. What would you ask your future self if you could?

Oh, now here comes the interesting things.  I’m going to be assuming I ask 25/26 year-old me.  I’d ask future me if I married my boyfriend yet, seeing as though everyone is expecting me to marry him. (We’re very close, and it’s gotten to the point to where everyone statewide in a church congregation assumes we’re going to get married and have kids. Yeah, the pressure is real.) I’d also ask if they’d moved down to where he is.

I’d ask if they’d found any friends yet or if they found a job. I’d ask if they found any new coping techniques.  I’d ask if they had cut yet, and if the answer’s no, I’d give future me a fist bump. I’d like to know if future me had gotten any tattoos, and if so, what they were and where they were. I’d ask them if they got any new hobbies…

There’s a lot of things I’d love to ask future me. This post is not enough for me to type every single question I have for future me, so I’m going to end it right there.

This was entertaining, and this was something that kind of made me break out of my shell. I’m not doing this for a loooong time.