Thoughts of a healing Schizoaffective – Hallucinations

So I was reading Schizo Serenity’s post and she was discussing how her medicine may take away one of her hallucinations and she would miss him if he went away.  It made me think of something that I’m going through.

I’ve been on 15 mgs of Abilify for about 3 weeks right now, and it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Thayer.  Actually, the only things I hear are sound effect noises, and I hate to say it, but it’s lonely without Thayer.

I miss him teasing me about me and my boyfriend.  I miss him saying inappropriate things and making me laugh.  He was like the big brother I’ve never had, and now I can’t hear him.  So, I’m not going to lie, it stinks.  He really did help me out when I was hallucinating, and to lose him is kind of like losing a great friend.  Scratch that:

He was a great friend.

He knew me better than I knew myself.  So yeah, the point is, if I want to become better, I will have to accept the fact that he’s gone and I can’t hear him anymore.  I can only draw him if I want to see him.  He’s not real anymore.  He’s just a character.

And that is what hurts the most.

Grieving and Cyberbullying.

So, I should get this off of my chest.  Someone I knew died today.  It hurts me because he was a loving and caring person and he had the whole world ahead of him.  He was only 21.

If I were off of my medication, I would say that it’s my fault, that I should’ve helped him, even though he was states away.  I’d be crying all day, and it would’ve hurt me.  I barely knew the guy, but I would internalize my sadness and become extremely depressed.  But I still feel sad, and I think that the abilify has helped me so much with my depression; I don’t feel sad enough to really cry, but I’m grieving in a way that’s appropriate for this situation.  I barely knew him = not crying, but sad.

In other news, I have a person that created a twitter just to harass me.  I feel so flattered, you don’t even know.  I was wondering when I’d get one of those trolls.  Now that I got one, I feel like I won an Oscar.  I’m officially an important blog and I don’t care if he said I diagnosed myself.

So, to the person who tried to bully me: I have documentation to prove my theory of being schizoaffective, you imbecile.  I mean, you should also know that everyone is different when it comes to medication.  Therefore, you should stop trying to make it look like I’m claiming to be condescending.  Oh, and by the way, my posts are all over the place because I’m disorganized.  That’s what schizophrenia does to you.  You probably didn’t know that, you little shit.  You’re not bothering me.  You’re just amusing to me.  You amuse me with some stupidity.  So, with that in mind, have a nice day.

As to the people that support me: You guys are like a family to me.  You were there where no one else would listen to me, and you were there when I started to see and hear things.  You were there through all of the meds and diagnoses.  I really love you all, and if I was ever rude to you during those times, I am totally sorry.  I was under so much stress and delusions…

Anyways, that’s it for this post.

A Brief History.

At the ages of 3-5, I was more interested in sex than most kids.  I kind of revolved a lot of things around sex, and I was convinced I was going to be an exotic dancer.  This is a symptom of childhood bipolar disorder, and I wonder if I had it way back then.  I also had temper tantrums, and I broke a cabinet by the age of 7.  It’s still broken; I don’t think it can be fixed, to be honest with you.

I used to self harm at the age of 10.  I believe I bit myself and began to pull my hair when things didn’t go right.  I hid it, and then by the age of 13, my friend at the time introduced me to cutting when she tried to harm herself in the middle of a class.  I wanted to understand why someone would cut themselves, and by the age of 15, things made sense.

When I was 15, it was a rough time.  I remember making my first cut on my wrist and sending a picture to the friend that introduced me to cutting.  She then sent me back a picture of a bloody arm and told me to try harder.  So I did.  I snapped and remember slicing my wrist 7 times in March of 2011.  I remember I was so sad and angry at everything that it became an addiction.  I got wiser and found a spot on my leg to keep the cuts.

At the same age, I remember hearing my friend calling my name, although I knew she wasn’t.  This was when I started having a mixed episode.  It caused hallucinations, and I thought it was me hearing things.  That was what the psychologist I saw said as well; he helped diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder.

I was unmedicated for about a year and a couple of months, and that was until my anxiety got really out of hand.  I was supposed to be on depakote, but that was a flop and made my anxiety more prominent.  I was put on gabapentin, and that was it until the summer.  In the summer of 2014, I was going through hell, and I managed to keep it a secret until my best friend at the time drove me into a panic attack.  So, I spilled my guts to him, and he said that I needed help…

So, I went and I got help.  I told the person prescribing me medicine about hallucinating and my experiences.  He told me that it was alright and gave me Risperidone.  It was the first anti-psychotic I was on.  It doesn’t help me, so I’m getting weaned off of that.

A month to 2 months ago, I was put on Abilify, and it works like a dream.  I’ve had no hallucinations, and it’s amazing.  It takes my depression away, and it puts me in an upbeat mood most of the time.  I have a personality on top of it, and I can focus in class…

Well, kind of.  I’m starting to daydream more often, but that’s alright.  As long as I’m not driving.  Anyways, I was diagnosed as bipolar as of a year ago, but now, I’m technically schizoaffective, which means, I’ve got schizophrenia at the same time.  Only 1 person knows this in my life. Still I don’t mind.

Abilify & Risperidone

I had a massive headache from a withdrawal from the risperidone.  Oh, god that sucked.  I’m not a person to complain about pain, but that hurt me so much.  Like, it was a 10 on a scale of 1-5.  The risperidone also started getting out of my system, and that was hell.  I was out of it all day, but now, I feel much better.  I can also tell the abilify is working.  I’m not hallucinating at all.

I went to the doctor today, and I told him I was on abilify.  He assumed I had Major Depressive Disorder.  It’s because I don’t “look” like a schizoaffective human being; I just strike him as depressive.  This is what I hate about stigma.  Stop assuming people’s disorders by just a look…

But yeah, that’s literally all that’s going on with me mentally. It’s weird not having much to talk about, and I feel like I’m neglecting you guys. D:

Aww, well…

Abilify – 2 Weeks After Starting

So, it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve started taking Abilify, and I must say that this medication is powerful for me.  I am more outgoing — according to the Myers-Briggs Personalities, I went from an INFJ to an ENFJ.  That means I’m naturally more outgoing than I previously was.  (Oh, and before I forget, ENFJ personalities are, how you say, controlling.)

I switched back to Christianity and realized that Wicca was an impulsive thing to go after, and the religion should not be taken lightly.  I am happy to say that I’m a Christian again, and I felt more compelled to talk to others in church, therefore making me feel like I belong in there.

I am pretty sure that Abilify is making my sleep more regular than before.  I can’t sleep over 10 hours, so that’s handy.  I can also sleep deeper and can sleep with dreams right now.  Like, the last time I dreamed was… what, months ago…?  Now I’m having a dream every night, and it’s so good.  They’re mostly positive dreams as well.

I do not feel empty anymore.  I feel fabulous and happy.  I have had a couple of times where I was sad, and I think those mood swings had to do with some other biological things (hint, hint).  I still feel emotions rather deeply, and it stinks.  Maybe it could be fixed with a higher dose, but I’m not sure.

The Risperidal’s effect is fading off, and that means that some hallucinations are coming back: the commenting voice, the sound I hear when I’m in the shower…  Those are the only things I seem to be hearing now.  I think the Abilify is making up for what the Risperidal isn’t doing.

So, at this point in life, I have schizoaffective disorder, and my symptoms are under control for the most part.  I think that this is alright for the meantime.  My appointment is tomorrow, and I think that he may bump up the Abilify while decrease my Risperidal.  Here comes the scariest part of transitioning meds.  I have to prepare myself…

Day 2 of Abilify

So, I’ve given up on the 31 days of Bipolar because it was getting boring. But anyways, let’s talk about how I feel as of right now.

I’m only on 5 mgs of Abilify, and I feel amazing.  My depression went away, and I’m getting my energy back right now.  Like, I’m not kidding, I feel like I can do yoga and enjoy it.  I feel like drawing and writing would be enjoyable right about now.  So, right now, my motivation is back.  That was the thing that was concerning me the most.  I also realized that this is making my sexual orientation change.

You see, I thought I was an asexual, but in all honesty, it was because I just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing due to my depression.  Now, since my depression is decreasing, my actual SO is coming apparent to me. I didn’t know that.  But now… I am comfortable with myself.

I’m going to see if there’s anything else that pops up with this medication.

Changes Already?

I just started taking Abilify, and now something interesting has happened.  It seems as though already, symptoms of depression have gone away.  I’m more alert in class, I feel like sleep can wait until 10 tonight…

I actually wanted to be around people today.  My blood sugar went low a couple of times today, so that means that the pill is starting to get in my system. I didn’t have any negative thinking today, even when I know I failed a quiz today.  “There’ll be other quizzes I can ace,” I told myself.

This whole thing in regards to Abilify seems like a magical pill.  It’s making everything that I hated about myself go away right now, and I love it.  I feel like I’m normal right now.  I’m normal, and it feels so good! I mean, this is only the first day of the effects, but I don’t want it to stop right now. I can think clearly and not stutter or become disorganized, and it makes my writing skills increase.  I smiled today, and I meant the smile, okay?  This is something that I’ve been waiting for…!

I’d just thought I’d document my journey with Abilify from now until we get to whatever plateau that needs to be hit.