The Beginning of Depression. **Trigger Warning**

I told my friend that I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself.  Like, I fantasize about the blood and stuff.  She’s supporting me now, but I feel all alone.  Why couldn’t I be born without mental illness?  Why do I have to see and hear things and twitch and be manic or depressed?  Why must I take my medicine?

Well, I have to take it in order to survive.  I’m not being dramatic.  I’m being realistic.  I literally have to take my antidepressant or else, I’d have at least a suicide attempt on my hands.

The only person that would comfort me left my life, and now, I don’t know where to turn.  I want to pick up cutting again, but I’m scared to.  It’d be an addiction for me.  It’s a ritual for me.

I have to take a shower after I cut.  I know, but it cleans the cuts, and I feel….  I feel like after I’ve done such a bad thing, I want to be clean again.  It sounds odd, but that’s how I feel.

This is just a depressive rant…. Let me stop…

This is why I Hate People.

So, I can’t stand fighting.  So, when people at my work start arguing, I can’t stand the entire day.  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill yesterday night because of the fighting.  And then, the crush turns out to be an idiot and start the fight.

I also have a fear of abandonment, and my friends – if you could call them that – haven’t talked to me in days.  Then when I talk to them and say they’re never there, then I look like the bad guy.  And they don’t talk to me after that…

I’m sick of people.  I’m depressed and I just want to cry.  I hate life right now.

I Restrict By Accident.

Yes, I know what you’re saying.  You might think that it’s impossible.  It’s just that up until now, I had only eaten a 120-calorie yogurt.  That was eaten at 9:30 this morning.  I ate a couple of hours ago because I felt like I was preoccupied.  So, I feel like I restrict.

The sad part is that I like to do that.  I like to forget and I love to have salads.  All the time.  Sometimes, I fill those gaps with coffee.  Sometimes, with tea.  But that’s something I love to do…

Is that bad?

A Mystery?

So, I talked to my prescriber today. She seemed to be dressed in blue. Anyways, I told her that I’ve had some hallucinations,  and I’ve also brought up this new symptom.

I’ve been stuttering and my grammar structure has been off. She has no idea what has been happening. There’s 2 possibilities, but I’m not saying anything until we figure this out.

I was also talking to a coworker yesterday, and they said that they were a drug addict, but is in recovery. I have utmost respect for them, and I shared my struggles with them regarding my schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. They were kind of shocked and felt bad for me, but I assured them that I am better and happy and such. I just feel…

I feel relieved that I’m not the only one taking an antidepressant at work. I don’t feel like a freak anymore. This is the feeling that I have been wanting: the feeling of belonging.

The Nurse Lied to Me + More.

How is it that it’s perfectly alright to lie to a patient…?

I may have been suffering from a delusion, but the nurse that prescribed me medicine lied to me…  She said I had borderline personality disorder, and, to be quite frank, she deleted it from my chart.  She placed the delusion in my head, and that, in turn, made me believe that.  Truth be told, I don’t trust her anymore.

In other news, there’s this coworker that I have a huge crush on. Let’s call him A.  I met A in December, and he was very quiet and nice, but then he started to joke around and open up.  We haven’t really talked because, let’s face it, I’m awkward as hell and he’s poised.  Still, I really wish that I could talk to A.  Haha….

He’s not gonna like me and it’s not going to happen.  Well, I gotta get ready to work 6 hours.  Let’s hope he’s there, because eye candy makes the time go by faster.

Revival of this Blog

Hello, again! It’s been a while, and I think that this blog needs some revisiting.  I’m doing rather well, and I wanted to make this post some sort of an update-y thing.  So grab your cup of cocoa, coffee, or tea, and read this interesting thing.

First and foremost, I go by Kay now instead of Kayden.  It’s because I’m agender, NOT transgender.  Secondly, I have been trying out new religions…  I was thinking about Islam, but I’m finding that being a Pagan is in my blood.

So, as far as what’s happened with my mental health, I’m doing very well.  I haven’t hurt myself in quite some time, and I’ve got a job now.  The reason why is because in the middle of a semester, my father died, and I took it rather hard.  I had to take a mental health leave from college, but…  I don’t regret it.  I have a job I love, and I’m going to college in the Fall of 2017.

I had a couple of relationships, but I am currently single.  My exes didn’t seem to care about my mental health, and I had to do what’s right for me.  I feel like I am happier, and I love my life a little more.  I’m learning to love myself.  The thing is that I’m crushing, but I don’t even know if he is looking my way…

Aww, well.

Anyways, let’s have a discussion.  It can be about anything.  Leave some suggestions for this blog down below.  I’ll look at them, and I’ll pick one and mention who suggested it.  Or, I could even do a challenge.  Let me know!

 

An Important Announcement

Hello, guys, so I started a new blog.

I know I have a couple already, but the new blog is going to replace this one.  I’m too fed up with this blog, and this one that is going to replace this blog will be more positive.  I made up my mind.  I want to recover, and I’m not going to do it by sulking about things.  I’m going to post about other mental disorders as well, such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and if I can find out more about the illnesses, eating disorders.  That way, I can benefit from the blog and so can other people.

You can find it here:

http://recovermerecovery.wordpress.com

Thank you for following me on this blog, and this was nice while it lasted.