I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t care as much.
I’m pissed with my “friends,” so I blocked them on social media. I haven’t talked to them since God knows how long. I’m thinking about writing poetry about them, because after all, so many people love my poetry when it involves personal pain. I’ve been thinking about smoking and have had dreams about it, even though I haven’t picked a cigarette up to smoke it.
The only reason I’ve attended church is to socialize. That’s where I can find my real friends and my boyfriend. It stinks, but I’ve lost my connection with God. You know, I don’t mean a hallucination telling me what to do. I mean, I’ve lost my spiritual connection, and because of that, I’m tempted to go back to paganism and into a Buddhist philosophy. People at church wouldn’t know the difference anyways.
I feel like the only person that isn’t against me in this world is my boyfriend. He’s really supportive, and he’s pretty nice. I fall in love with him more and more every single day. I’m just scared of losing him. If I lose him, then I have no reason to live, and then I’ll be suicidal and may attempt or succeed in my attempt.
The resperidone decrease isn’t so bad so far. It’s been about a week, and I haven’t had any headaches. I’m taking .5 milligrams in the day, and .5 at night. The only complaint I have about it is that I can’t tell if I’m hungry. Yesterday, I went through the day with just a banana and a small serving of peaches, but up until after my shift at work, when I ate some fish. But other than that, my moods have gotten better. I know that sometimes, the meds take a while to work, but I feel like it’s working already.
I feel no motivation for school. I hate it and its environment all of the sudden. All I feel is loneliness, and that’s all I think I can feel there. I just don’t like school. My grades are slipping because of my mental health, and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know? It’s my fault that I’m not turning in assignments, and it’s my fault that there’s no one that understands me. I know that’s not true, but I believe them to be true.
That’s all I can write about. Maybe I’ll just treat myself with some love today. That’s all I can do, right?