History Repeats Itself.

Before I rant, I would like to say that there’s going to be a lot of profanity, so please, reader discretion is advised.

I’m sick of it.  I am so sick of all of these people coming into my life, claiming they fucking care about me, and they don’t.  They call me their friend or what-fucking-ever and they use me.  They mooch off of me, and I’m just that person who’s dumb enough to let them do that for a while.  I’m tired of them saying that they care whenever I threaten my life, and they act like they give a shit about me.  They want to keep me alive so that they can use me.

I told them that the only reason that kept me from killing myself was my boyfriend.  That’s true.  My boyfriend was/is the only person that treats me with respect.  He was the only person who was there when I needed him and I was hallucinating.  He was the person who treated me with more kindness than I had ever treated myself.  And then to have these assholes who don’t treat me with that same level of respect come into my life and steal my peace is fucking ridiculous.

Sometimes, I feel like threatening my life and just wanting to see what they would say if I said that I was holding a knife or gun to myself.  I want to see if they would care.  I want to make them cringe and be filled with fear, and it’s because I want payback.  Sometimes, I realize that they’re not even worth my time.  I know that makes me sound like a bad person, and I know that it makes me sound like I’m taking this too far, but when you’ve gone through this your entire fucking life, you begin to not care.

I don’t fucking care anymore.

I don’t care about anyone, really.  There’s my family, yes, and there’s my boyfriend, yes, and anyone who doesn’t fit into those categories (You know, most “friends” I associate with; not you guys) can get their asses out of my life.

I’m just tired of it, and I needed to vent.  I needed to, and that’s because I don’t know where else to vent.  I’d talk to my therapist about it, but I’d have to bottle it up until next week.  I needed to get it out now.  I’m sorry for those that had to read this, but in my waking life, I have to deal with this every time I get a new friend or have a friend for a really long time.  It makes me feel like there’s something defective about me.  I hate that feeling.  So, this is more of a sad vent than a mad vent.  I hope you guys understand that.

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4 thoughts on “History Repeats Itself.

  1. ” I’d talk to my therapist about it, but I’d have to bottle it up until next week. I needed to get it out now.” This is exactly how I feel right now. I’m thankful we have this medium to vent. Hang in there.

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