I hate myself right now. (Trigger Warning)

So, when I woke up today, I was really depressed.

I went on twitter and tried talking to my friends, but they ignored me.  So I indirectly blew up at them.  I told one that they weren’t a good friend and that they never bothered to talk to me for more than a week.  I hated the other one…  Then I told them that the only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend, which I have to admit is true, and I ended the conversation there.

I kind of threatened my life there, but then, my mom kind of made me feel even more worthless today.  And on top of that, a friend asked me how I was, and I told him I felt horrible.  Then, he vented about his troubles, and he didn’t want to listen to mine.  So I felt even more worthless.

So after a hard day, I relapsed.  And I hate myself for it, and now, I feel like maybe I should just die.  Maybe I should die and have only my boyfriend miss me, because he’s all I have here.  I just really want to take a knife to my wrists and make myself bleed to death.  But I can’t.  I don’t want to put my boyfriend through that. I love him too much to do it.

I’m sobbing as I’m writing this, and I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. That’s all I want right now.


5 thoughts on “I hate myself right now. (Trigger Warning)

  1. Social networks can be so distressing – I told my shrink that I’d stopped using Twitter, becauseni read an article saying it can trigger psychosis, and she said that all 4 psychiatrists there don’t use social networking at all. A while later I found fb was depressing me again – I logged out for 3 minths last year and this year I deactivated it. I missed it at first, but not anymore.

    I am not going to tell you that everything will be alright; some things will be alright, some will be shitty and some will be totally fantastic.

    Sorry about your relapse, but try not to hate yourself for it. You’re human – none of us are perfect (thank goodness). Go back to basics; work on sleeping and eating right, getting an little exercise and sticking to routines. Boring as fuck, but it really does make a difference. And keep blogging it all, the process will help, and you have buddies here that really can relate to your experiences.

    Let me know how you are whenever you can.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hope you start to feel better, relapse should be acknowledged and recognized, but take it easy on yourself and don’t let that be a reason to stop loving yourself. I follow blogs of persons with mental illness because I have one of my own, and people like you out there, I feel, are like me – and more similar to me than other people.


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