I know it sounds bad, but for the most part, I feel empty. I have nothing that really makes me feel fulfilled unless you count my boyfriend and church. That’s it. I don’t feel whole, and it’s tearing me up inside.
I’m slightly suicidal and thought about jumping in front of a car to kill myself yesterday. The impulses are there, but I can control myself from doing it. I guess that’s a good thing, but it’s not a spectacular thing. I just feel like hurting myself all of the sudden. I even tried to starve myself for half of the day, then I stopped by getting a salad (which is sensible).
Maybe I think that if I hurt myself, I’ll feel something, and that’s not the first time that I thought this way. I mean, I’ve been complaining about this emptiness for about a year, maybe even more. Maybe it’s time that I brought this up to my psychiatrist. He’s new, and maybe, he’ll listen to me a lot more about it.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.