I had a panic attack in abnormal psychology today. It was because we were talking about eating disorders, and it triggered me. I instantly freaked out about how many calories I had today, and I felt fat after consuming 430 calories. Well, now I don’t want to eat a snack…
It happened at around 1-something, and I’m still wound up about it. I’m borderline about to starve myself again (it’s sadly my new method of self-harming). I wonder why I’m starting to freak out about how much food I ate. I mean, I don’t want to gain weight, but I also don’t want to eat either. When I eat, I want to throw it back up, and I have to sit there with it because of my family. I tell you no lie, sometimes I feel like I’m 600 pounds and I’m disgusted with myself. It’s even hard for me to eat a 100 calorie snack because I’m just scared of calories.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. Last year, I ate a breakfast sandwich, and I cried while eating it because I was scared I was going to gain a lot of weight. I did the same thing this year with fast food. I don’t do it with Chinese food, though, and I don’t know why.
I have to admit, this is the first time I’m talking about my distorted view on eating (not the same thing as an eating disorder). I plan on talking to my therapist about this because I’m concerned about my mental health.
I swear, if I have something else wrong with me, I’m going to scream and cry simultaneously. I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but I know that this is not healthy and I don’t like it.