Today…. {Trigger warning to those with an ED}

I had a panic attack in abnormal psychology today.  It was because we were talking about eating disorders, and it triggered me.  I instantly freaked out about how many calories I had today, and I felt fat after consuming 430 calories.  Well, now I don’t want to eat a snack…

It happened at around 1-something, and I’m still wound up about it.  I’m borderline about to starve myself again (it’s sadly my new method of self-harming).  I wonder why I’m starting to freak out about how much food I ate.  I mean, I don’t want to gain weight, but I also don’t want to eat either.  When I eat, I want to throw it back up, and I have to sit there with it because of my family.  I tell you no lie, sometimes I feel like I’m 600 pounds and I’m disgusted with myself.  It’s even hard for me to eat a 100 calorie snack because I’m just scared of calories.

This isn’t the first time this has happened.  Last year, I ate a breakfast sandwich, and I cried while eating it because I was scared I was going to gain a lot of weight.  I did the same thing this year with fast food.  I don’t do it with Chinese food, though, and I don’t know why.

I have to admit, this is the first time I’m talking about my distorted view on eating (not the same thing as an eating disorder).  I plan on talking to my therapist about this because I’m concerned about my mental health. I swear, if I have something else wrong with me, I’m going to scream and cry simultaneously.  I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but I know that this is not healthy and I don’t like it.

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